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AIBU to settle for being forever single?

(7 Posts)
Mypyjamasarebaggy Thu 18-May-17 22:11:51

I never had a huge amount of success with men, was a late starter with boys (single sex grammar school girl!), was totally outclassed in the flirtation stakes at Uni though had a few flings. Then had a rubbish relationship on/off for ages with someone who pretty much used me as a booty call. Series of one night stands, attempts at internet dating in 30s were all hopeless. At 40 I fulfilled my promise to myself and had a baby via donor IUI. Am totally happy with gorgeous DD, now 5.

I have a professional job and am totally self sufficient. I always swore I would still try and find a partner for me and a Dad for her but life is busy, like many I am constantly juggling work and home, I don't have easy access to guilt free (or unpaid) baby sitting and don't like leaving DD much to pursue my own social life as I have to leave her sometimes for work so have no idea even when I'd see someone if I found a date.

I thought I'd sign up for online dating this week and managed 24 hours before bailing out again. I would be open to meeting someone 'in real life' but that has NEVER ever happened in the last 45 years so wouldn't be holding my breath. Ive been on my own so long friends don't even bother trying to introduce me to single guys. Should I keep trying or just not bother? Worried Im denying DD the chance of a father figure. Thoughts please.

pallasathena Thu 18-May-17 22:42:35

If its not working out for you then you need to change the way you're approaching it.
Almost everyone I know, including myself, has met their significant other through random introductions.
One friend met her partner through walking her dog regularly in the local park. A colleague met her new fiance when she went on a cruise with her mum and one of my neighbours is seeing a very nice man she met at the over 60's club.
There are some lovely men out there OP but you have to create some sort of regular schedule for yourself to meet them. And I would suggest that you'll meet the nicer ones through old fashioned hobbies, interests, travel or classes.
However, in saying that, one of my nieces swears by the Guardian lonely hearts as her 'go to', place for meeting blokes and she's met a couple of really nice guys, but she's not into deep meaningful just yet.
Maybe worth checking it out?

Graphista Thu 18-May-17 22:50:14

I agree, it's about putting yourself out there. I've been single for most of last 14 years since dds dad and I split. But I'm ok with casual sex when I feel the need. But that doesn't suit everyone. Friends have met their partners through mutual friends, hobbies, chance meetings in pubs etc, online - but by accident not old, through work, hobbies or at home but the partner was working (as trades people). One guy is jokingly referred to as the mechanic who went in for a coffee and never left (RAC guy)

greenworm Thu 18-May-17 23:08:11

I don't think your decision should be motivated by finding your DD a father figure. It's adding a whole layer of pressure and complication - who's to say any new guy would want to be a father to your DD, or that he wouldn't already have children who could make your life a lot more complicated than it is now (speaking as a stepparent).

I think if you date it should be to try to find someone you click with and enjoy spending time with and then take things as they come from there. Don't put pressure on yourself to find a father for your DD. If you're not fussed about dating except to find a father figure, don't do it.

Sorka Fri 19-May-17 00:04:59

If you are happy as you are then I don't think you need to feel obliged to keep dating. If you do date, I think getting on with your DD is an important criteria, but I can't imagine dating purely to find a father figure to be workable.

I have to say, as an eternally single person myself who wants children, I'm inspired and impressed that you've had children yourself and are making it work.

LonginesPrime Fri 19-May-17 00:17:59

Worried I'm denying DD the chance of a father figure.

A father figure doesn't need to be someone you're dating! I have male friends who hang out with us so my son has male influences (they're also my friends - I'm not just using them for their knowledge of male puberty...). I agree with greenworm that the father element adds unnecessary pressure and also might make you come across as desperate (despite the fact it's desperation for a father figure than for a boyfriend figure).

I'm single too and pallasathena, while you make a good point, I read things like One friend met her partner through walking her dog and when she went on a cruise and it makes me think "but I don't have a dog, and I hate cruises, so I guess I'll be single forever..".

Mypyjamasarebaggy Fri 19-May-17 09:36:21

Thanks all. You are right, its a lot of pressure to add to meeting someone to be thinking as far ahead as a potential new 'Dad' and unfair. DD does have stable male influences in her life so there are father figures around, maybe I haven't thought of those men in that way before.

Pallasathena LonginesPrime I don't have a dog either! I think this is part of the problem, coping with working full time and being a single parent leaves very little time for me to do anything for myself, dating and pets included. I have a demanding job and try and spend as much time as possible doing things with DD when I am not at work but I really cant take her on a first date! I used to travel a lot, often on my own, and go on photography courses and things like that. I never met anyone doing that even when I was younger, thinner and life was less complicated so the chances just seem ever more remote now! I am not sure I am 'open' to the idea of a relationship either if I'm honest. the thought of getting intimate emotionally with someone is terrifying so I suspect I have invisible barriers up even if someone potential did come into view. Not sure how to get round this bit but would love to have someone special I my life for some adult fun, support, companionship etc.

Sorka Go for it! It can work, its tough but then I think if Mumsnet has taught me anything its that parenting is tough for everyone! Its also amazing. I was more scared of not trying to be a Mum than doing it on my own. I had to try, though was OK with the fact that it might not have been meant to be. Luckily I got pregnant at first attempt despite very low odds of success at the outset.

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