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To end/ cool ds friendships for this?

(12 Posts)
JefferysJodpers Thu 18-May-17 18:37:11

Ds and two other boys have been bullying another child. I became aware straight away, gave ds a MASSIVE telling off and made him apologise. He was pretty shamed and cut the behaviour.

I did this with the other two and they apologised. Today at the sport club I saw ds hang back and watch me, so I listened in. It was the same stuff ( the other child was new to the sport and it involves ridicule and isolation for not being as good, following them too to really rub it in, not just comments).

I again spoke to ds for not telling me, he didn't join in and was on the edge but he didn't tell an adult either. He accepted being removed early as a consequence.

The other two this time I went further and messaged their mums. I was clear it was more than frustrated comments when the team lost, but actually following and bullying behaviour. I was clear I have witnessed it and it is not just the word of the child.

Mum 1 is giving excuses why her ds does it, whatever but he still needs to stop however he feels/ difficulties. She's not addressing it with him

Mum 2 is justifying as her ds loves the sport so much he is just getting frustrated and finds losing hard because of child x.

The children both did it openly near me after I removed ds and after telling them all last week about it. They clearly feel entitled to do so as they have backup. One mum told me last week her son had not acted a certain way and the child was over sensitive. He did, I heard and saw him! The other child is sensitive.

Aibu to just say to mum 2 find your own lift even if means he can't go every week and also cut the play dates etc when ds gets on so well. He has other friends, but he does like them but I don't want him thinking being a little shite is ok. He's pretty robust, I could switch him to another session/ night for the sport. Or is it unfair to effectively cut a friendship for him? He's a nice kid, only time he's ever been caught doing this, but then there's always a first isn't there and I don't want it to grow...

Managing friendship- overkill?

LadyPW Thu 18-May-17 18:40:36

I'm on the fence. Is there any chance he could act as a good influence on the other two to call them out on the behaviour (seeing as they're not getting that at home)?

SenseiWoo Thu 18-May-17 18:42:42

I think it would be good to break up the dynamic, yes. Telling your DS off but letting the lifts and associations with the other 2 continue is a bit of a mixed message.

RedSkyAtNight Thu 18-May-17 18:50:45

How old are they? Is the coach/whoever runs the sports club aware of what' s going on?

LilQueenie Thu 18-May-17 18:54:45

break it up. I don't think using him to help the other kids is good either. Its not your or his responsibility.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Thu 18-May-17 19:06:56

I'd cut the friendships groups. I get the impression that maybe he is uncomfortable with their behavior too, but doesn't wasn't to risk being made the target.

My guess is that he might actually be relieved if you make that decision for him.

I think that you've handled it really well, OP!

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 18-May-17 19:42:04

Definitely cut the lifts and if they ask why then tell them straight. They may be prepared to put up with that type of behaviour but you don't condone it and any exposure of this type of behaviour in front of DS will be minimal.

donquixotedelamancha Thu 18-May-17 19:47:46

Really well done OP. Fab handling. It's terrifically hard to build the character to stand up to this behaviour in groups, but it only comes from good parenting.

I think you would be quite reasonable to draw back from these kids (and their facilitating parents). If you were especially friendly you could have one more try at explaining first.

JefferysJodpers Thu 18-May-17 19:56:14

They are age 7-9.

The coach is new, not confident and to be fair it's out of sight mainly. Examples, wadding behind the child to the loo in a line like penguins, following them into the entrance hall to tell them how bad they are, standing and staring in a row, weight jibes.

I know ds hasn't covered himself in glory but I hope arsenals he is uncomfortable with behaviour. He's robust but not the oldest and not generally the leader. He's the one who generally gets in with anyone, it's shocked me a bit he did it at all even if it's joining in. He looked devastated when I spoke of bullying. But he did do it himself before I caught them too.

JefferysJodpers Thu 18-May-17 19:58:13

I don't think he'd be the good influence, he's not a leader really. Sort of the type to let the world roll by but do some daft things at times in a crowd.

CherryMintVanilla Fri 19-May-17 00:06:05

Yes, stop the lifts. It'll give the poor kid a break from one of his bullies too.

emmyrose2000 Fri 19-May-17 10:07:46

Yes, stop the lifts and make sure the families' know why.

I'd also stop any out of school contact unless it's something they both attend; ie. no playdates, but it's inevitable they'll see each other at sport club.

However, do be prepared for the fact that the boys may start bullying your son now as well. If that happens, I wouldn't hesitate in getting involved.

Well done for nipping your son's bullying in the bud. It's a pity more parents don't do the same.

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