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Is this homophobic?

(69 Posts)
jamrock Thu 18-May-17 13:09:20

Scenario - a woman is married and has 2 DC, divorces meets a female partner. DC's are then described as having '2 mums'.

Is it homophobic to point out that they have 1 mum and 1 dad (both active parents) and that mums new partner is not 'mum'? as they would not be 'dad' if they were male?

paap1975 Thu 18-May-17 13:10:59

What if the new partner was a man? Would you object to him being referred to as a dad?

splendide Thu 18-May-17 13:12:27

They have a mum and a step-mum (or two?).

paap1975 Thu 18-May-17 13:13:23

I should have elaborated. I have a friend who has divorced her husband and remarried. Second husband has raised her daughter. Daughter calls both of them (biological and adoptive) dad. Is this somehow wrong in your opinion?

LRDtheFeministDragon Thu 18-May-17 13:14:13

It's not homophobic, but it is unpleasant IMO. Unless you are the dad, the mum, or one of the children, it is none of your business what terms are used within that family. Some people like using 'mum' for all sorts of relationships (step-mums, mothers-in-law). If the dad doesn't feel his toes have been trodden upon, the mum and step-mum are happy with it, and the children are content, why should it bother anyone else?

GreenHairDontCare Thu 18-May-17 13:14:41

Of course it's not homophobic. Spin it, you wouldn't say their mum's new male partner was their dad, would you?

IndigoWendigo Thu 18-May-17 13:16:24

Definitely not. If the new partner was a male, he wouldn't be 'dad', as the biological father is still an active parent.

If the bio dad wasn't really involved with the DCs, then I think it would be fine.

GreenHairDontCare Thu 18-May-17 13:18:53

Although what LRD says is true too. It's no business of anyone's outside the people concerned.

Dh is Dad to my teenagers, he's raised them since they were tiny and their bio dad is not on the scene at all. So different circumstance, but we'd be pretty pissed off if anyone 'corrected' us.

So it might be a bit insulting. It's still not homophobic though.

user98765797837 Thu 18-May-17 13:24:27

personally.... i agree you have 2 parents (whether it be 1mum & 1 dad or 2 dads or 2 mums)

if parents split up....the new partners, whatever the gender/sexual orientation are step-parents.

BUT.... It is up to the family to decide what the new partners are called...be is first names, mum/dad or something else.

I personally called my step parents by their first names, I never called them mum or dad....because they aren't my mum or dad.I wouldn't say it was homophobic...as long as you hold the same views regardless of the gender of the new partners.

LauraMipsum Thu 18-May-17 13:25:21

Feeling the need to correct their self-description is pretty homophobic, yes. YANBU to ponder it but YWouldBVU to actually say it.

The DCs are now part of a same-sex family. They have a dad, but they are likely to need some way to communicate that the adults they live with are in a same-sex relationship and "two mums" is the most straightforward and most commonly understood way to do that.

jamrock Thu 18-May-17 13:25:59

This was presented to DS as part of a citizenship lesson. The scenario presented the 'Dad' as very involved. Several students stated that mums new partner was not 'mum' and were accused of homophobia. DS's BF has 2 mums and was furious about the whole lesson and threatening to march into the school but I wanted a wider view!

Paap - As I said, a new male partner would not be dad, DC's have a dad who is actively involved. Raising the child makes you 'dad' so in the case you state the adoptive child is 'dad'.

TestTubeTeen Thu 18-May-17 13:31:37

It is not homophobic to point out that the children have a Mum, and Dad and a Step-Mum.

It would be homophobic to attempt to airbrush the new partner out of the extended family if, for example, the child is resident with the Mum and Step-Mum, and it is a long term family situation. It would be homophobic to refuse to acknowledge that relationship, between the Mum and her DP, and to the child.

jamrock Thu 18-May-17 13:31:44

Wording in post was poor - shouldn't have said 'point out' as this was a citizenship lesson not a real life situation. Obvs it would be obnoxious to start telling anyone how they should address members of their own family......

peachgreen Thu 18-May-17 13:34:08

Why should it bother you how the family refer to themselves? I know lots of blended families when the step-parent division isn't made explicitly clear (so the kids have a mummy and dad, and a daddy who lives elsewhere etc). I don't know whether you would object to that, but I suspect your discomfort in this situation is homophobic, yes.

peachgreen Thu 18-May-17 13:35:12

Sorry, posted before the citizenship lesson info was posted.

LauraMipsum Thu 18-May-17 13:37:36

If that was presented to my DC in a lesson I would hit the roof. I'm one of two mums and we don't exist for people to sit and bloody speculate about what terminology we are allowed to use about ourselves. Fuck that the fuck off.

In the hypothetical example the correct answer as far as I'm concerned is "everyone keeps their sticky beaks out and respects the terminology used by the people within the family whether or not they like it and whether or not it's what they would use in the same situation."

jamrock Thu 18-May-17 13:42:43

Laura - they are constantly doing role plays and examining scenarios in these lessons. Some of it seems very misguided.

GreenHairDontCare Thu 18-May-17 13:43:45

Exactly Laura.

CricketRuntAndRashers Thu 18-May-17 13:47:35

Right. I think that honestly depends.

If the mother's partner is very involved as well and (for whatever reason) also parenting? Then what's wrong with also calling her mum? (although, I imagine somebody may be mama and the other mum. Or mum and mummy etc....)

You are assuming that a new male partner wouldn't end up being called "dad". That's just not necessarily true.

Also: They have 1 mum and 1 dad (both active parents) and that mums new partner is not 'mum'?

I imagine the potentially generalised statement may be what has upset the person that actually has two mothers. Also because that person may actually have a father and 2 mothers.

BluePeppers Thu 18-May-17 13:48:12

Laura that's actually a lovely answer that!

What comes to my mind is another situation where the dad gets married again and the DC is calling their new step mum MUM. I'm sure a lot fo women on here would be very hurt to know that 'they have been replaced'. And the answer would always be that there is only one mum.

It's always tricky in a blended family. So many situations and will mean that one answer is more apprpriate that another depending in context.
I do hope that, in those lessons (and the play) what is clearly said to them is that there is NOT one answer to that sort of question.
Is that drum into them??

CricketRuntAndRashers Thu 18-May-17 13:49:28

Honestly, that all comes down to the specific situation, what the people involved (especially the children!) decide to do. How they see the new partner etc...

I don't get the point of this scenario.

CricketRuntAndRashers Thu 18-May-17 13:50:20

Right, I agree with Laura. She explains it much better than I did.

jamrock Thu 18-May-17 13:55:43

Apparently the class erupted into a massive row. Teacher stating DC's now had '2 mums', some kids saying - no they have a mum and a dad and a step mum were accused of homophobia, others then jumped to their defensive saying Dad was being sidelined. I think that it is a mistake to have inexperienced staff running these sessions as there are so many nuances to every family situation. It's interesting to hear your views.

DS sat in stunned silence and then started another hoo-ha when he described the whole situation to his BF (different school) who then told his 2 mums who were outraged a new partner could be called 'mum' as they've 'both been there since day 1'..... I was surprised at the black and white views people have, I thought it was a lot less clearly defined than that....it seems there are a wide range of views.

jamrock Thu 18-May-17 13:57:46

cricket - I don't get the point either. They also did a transgender awareness workshop that was extremely ill thought out and confusing. I think they need to look very carefully at what the aims of the lessons are.

scatterolight Thu 18-May-17 14:00:10

Jesus christ wtf is happening in schools today? Not so much centres of learning, but centres of brainwashing into the latest hipster progressive ideology. And how ironic it is that those who deviate from this new norm are shouted down for their difference? All must conform!

I'm glad parents like you OP are paying attention to things like this, and being suitably outraged by it.

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