AIBU to not want my dd to be friends with someone because of their parent?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

First time poster but been lurking for a while - go easy on me!😊
Theres a lot of back story to this.
I have a childhood friend of 15 years who had a shitty upbringing by an abusive parent, said friend has been smoking weed since she was around 8 years old (we are in our 20s now). We both have dd's a year apart in age, mine being the eldest. We have always remained good friends since we left school but never really met up as such until I moved house around a year ago and ended up round the corner from her. At first it seemed great as my dd loves playing with hers and vice versa but as I started seeing more of her at her house while my dd has been at nursery I realised she severely neglects her child, she smokes weed all day long in the house, forgets to feed/bathe/nappy change her, doesnt bother taking her to nursery aswell as screaming at her non stop, not to mention her poor dd had to have all her teeth removed due to not being brushed! Id contacted NSPCC many a times but SS seem to think shes doing "great" even knowing there are vast amounts of cannabis use. I dont take my dd there but she starts school this year and her dd will be going to the same, which leaves me very little control on who my dd is friends with. Although alot of people will probably say just cut contact its not that easy, my family still talk to her alot and I love her dd to pieces and the thought of her not having a "normal aunty" to run to when shes older to escape from shit at home worries me, not my responsabilty but more of a moral obligation. I just need some guidance on how to handle this situation and if it would be right for me to stop the friendship between our kids without any animosity between us as friends in general.

[TheRealPooTroll]

I would continue not to allow your child to go there and report any neglect you are aware of. Let your dd play with hers at school and at your house. There will probably be other children in her class with less than ideal home situations. It's only now that my ds is higher up in primary that I'm aware how many of his classmates parents are in prison!

[StumpyScot92]

As PP said, continue to report her but I wouldn't stop your DD being friends with her. As you say yourself having a 'normal' influence can be a major help in life.

I grew up in a rather unsavoury council estate full of junkies (my mum was not one, she was a single mother just out of an abusive relationship for clarity), for this reason I was limited at who's house I could visit as many were well known crack addicts etc however my mother always made sure I could have my friends round to ours and would feed them and clean them if needed, it may have been the only hot meal they got that week so she was never going to turn them away. I'd say be there for the kid but maybe loosen ties with the mum a little if you can. So many of those kids are in jail now but a handful have turned their life around, any positive influence has to help surely.

[GloriaV]

If you know she is smoking cannabis then can you report her to the police or is it ok to have for home use nowadays.
I am not happy that SS are letting this go. Not fair on the DD imv. Could be they are short of staff and money but there should be intervention to help the DFriend. Not just left.

[AppleOfMyEye10]

Please don't stop this friendship. That little girl might turn to you one day for help. Also being around a 'normal' home environment will also help her to know that hers is not the Norm.

I would keep reporting her. And in the mean time keep having the child over but don't allow yours to go there.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Why would you want to stop the kids being friends though? What are you afraid of? You were friends with this troubled girl from a young age and it has't made you a delinquent or anything has it? Think about what kept you on the straight and narrow while your friend was going off the rails and implement the same strategies with your daughter.

[Pinkheart5917]

I wouldn't stop them being friends in schools hours I just obviously wouldn't ever let my child go to there house

[Unicornberry]

I have a friend like this, our kids are pre school age and she's very active in the local community acting like a model parent but doesn't take her DS out much. I became friends with her and she invited me to her house which was unbelievable. She is clearly secretly smoking inside the house (cigarettes, tobacco loose so the kids could get it and filters everywhere and it stinks), her DS is always soaking wet from a leaked nappy, I noticed her smacking him and shouting for very small things and the house was so bad it was a hazard with so many dangerous things around, clothes and stuff piled everywhere, mud and dirt all over the floor and walls and her DS is always filthy We don't go to their house anymore but he comes to play here.

[Iamastonished]

I think everyone has given you some sensible advice. I think the school can contact social services if they feel that the child has a dysfunctional home life, especially if she starts missing a lot of school.

I would keep doing what you are doing, and be there for the little girl. It sounds like she needs a stable influence in her life.

[EastMidsMumOf1]

Thanks for the postive feedback, highly appreciated.
@UnicornBerry how do you respond when your friend asks for you and dc to visit her? Im running out of feasable excuses!
Also @TinkyLittleLaugh my mum hated my friendship with her and went as far to transfer me to a different school, as she introduced me to smoking, drugs, truenting etc. which was a "gateway" that lead to all sorts of abuse in my older years. I guess In afraid that this could turn out to be my dd's gateway into that sort of life. Of course I cant protect her from every bad influence that comes along but Id like to prevent where possible, if possible.
I do my best to help support her and the child, helping her with forms, going with her to appointments ect. I dont ever give her money but if she needs essentials Ill buy them for her as I know what money would be spent on

[MyPatronusIsAUnicorn]

She was smoking weed at 8 years old? Really? And this was never picked up by the school?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

@MyPatronusIsAUnicorn - She was given it by her older sister and her friends for their own entertainment. The school, SS, police all were aware.. theyre known as THAT family.

[MyPatronusIsAUnicorn]

Nice. Well that's a great example of how your poor friend has been utterly failed by the system and the same thing is happening again with her daughter.

I'd keep reporting her tbh. And never mind the kids, I couldn't be friends with someone who neglected their child.

[MommaGee]

unicorn have you called ss??

op have you talked to your friend? She obviously isn't coping. Also you need to call ss IMO every time you witness something. Also speak to school when she starts

[EastMidsMumOf1]

Totally agree @MyPatronusIsAUnicorn dont get me wrong, I havent gone out my way to knowingly become friends with someone who neglects their child and I dont condone anything that shes doing but I can understand why shes become the way that she is, rightly or wrongly. Its a shame as although all the things Ive mentioned are awful, I do genuinely believe she loves her dd, she just doesnt have a clue on what good parenting means.

[EastMidsMumOf1]

@MommaGee I have tried speaking to her, she just sees it as atleast shes not an alcoholic like her mum. I have phoned ss directly 3 times and NSPCC twice but nothing comes from it, just a referral then it all gets forgotten about

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

In terms of school in many schools there is quite a lot of self-segregation between the year groups so I wouldn't worry too much about that as the chances are that as long as they are in different classes/ year groups they probably won't mix too much. I imagine that school will get involved if she isn't sending her to school regularly or neglecting her.

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

I'm a designated safeguarding lead and I categorically don't believe that a pre-school age child who has lost all their teeth hasn't attracted the attention of social services.

Have you been watching 3 Girls, by any chance?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

@KeepServingTheDrinks unfortunately its not safeguarding thats the problem, its the social workers who are almost stuck on a script and "forget" to follow it up.
And as for 3 girls, if you look at the safeguarding CSE learning review summary from 2013 youll realise I dont need to watch a re-enactment.. I know first hand. It was myself and others who was advising the likes of SS and safeguarding on how to become more efficient.

[Iamastonished]

But if the safeguarding lead at school contacts social services as well they might pay a bit more attention.

[EastMidsMumOf1]

But how long are they going to leave it before something terrible happens? Im not the only person who has contacted SS over this girl. When she missed 3 audiologoy appointments for her dd they were contacted by the hospital as well.

[MommaGee]

Is there a way of escalating a SS complaint?

[Iamastonished]

"When she missed 3 audiologoy appointments for her dd they were contacted by the hospital as well"

How do you know this?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

She recieved a letter from the hospital on the 2nd missed appointment explaining that a referral would be made if she did not attend the next appointment, which she missed with no valid excuse/reason.
@MommaGee im not 100% sure although I will look into it.

[GloriaV]

Are you writing to SS with your concerns because it might be easier for them to not follow up if there is no record of their response ie if you phone. If you put it in writing with a recorded delivery stamp on it and they then write back to you (don't give them email address etc) they might be a bit more likely to do something as there is evidence of their intentions. Or even email so there is evidence of the concern.

[Schoolbannana]

I too would be very surprised if a child losing teeth was not referred on somewhere