To think I've made a mistake going back to work

[shittestmumintheworld]

I'm feeling it's too hard. Dc3 has been ill this week and not been able to go to childcare. I feel guilt that I'm not at work and concern about work situations/cases (health/social care) and the s**t that will be waiting for me when I get back.

I feel guilt that I was hoping they'd accept her back tomorrow but they can't.

I feel my mental health deteriorating, I couldn't hold back the tears when doing bedtime story for dc2 tonight.

I hate the feeling that people think I'm unreliable at work.

Maybe it was a stupid idea to think I could juggle it? I don't know how I'm going to make up the hours I missed this wk. half terms coming up when I had leave booked. One of my working days next wk dc2 has a special assembly I was going to ask to go in late so I could go but it's hard now I've missed this wk, though dc2 would be devastated if I'm not there.

Anyone else feel like this?

[MrsCheese5]

Please try and not be so hard on yourself. Easier said then done when you are probably tired.

[NapQueen]

Do you have a partner or husband who can do half of all this?

[MrsCheese5]

Last month both of mine had Chickenpox so I had a lot of time off work. Luckily I was able to do a couple of days working from home. Is this an option for you?

[Colacolaaddict]

How long since you went back?

[FloatyCat]

It's very very hard, I did when kids were very young, it's not as bad now they are a bit older.
Making time up is the pay off for flexibility- hard when you are knackered though. Is working less hours a possibility?

[Babyroobs]

I'm having similar issues, but my kids are a lot older. I have always worked but quite part time when they were young and always worked around my dh's hours so one of us was always home. Now I do two jobs and dd ( 12 years) was ill last week and I ended up having to leave her alone one day which I felt terrible about but just dare not ask for time off from the new job as I had already been off sick myself for a day the week before. the next day I had to go in late and dh took the afternoon off. I have only been in the job a couple of months and already feel like they think I'm flakey.
Everyone else in the team is either young with no kids or older with grown up kids and I don't really think they understand. To make it worse I have 4 kids and another one has hospital/ orthodontic appointments etc which are hard to juggle.
I sometimes feel like giving the new job up and jst sticking with the other job which is very part time and fits around dh's work.

[shittestmumintheworld]

DH is away with work for a few days. He's apologized he can't help because he's away but frankly he's never stepped in to take time off whe he's been here. It's a sore subject for me at the moment because it just hit me last week that we used to feel like a team and at some point we've drifted away from that and we're not a team at all now which is really sad.

I can work from home a bit but they're very strict about not being in charge of kids whilst working from home and dc3 is a demanding toddler so it's pretty tricky anyway.

Feeling a bit sad that my parents are local and have had dc3 so I could do a few hours, but aren't really prepared to do any more this week. (Just wished me luck when k said she couldn't go back to childcare.) I know they're not obliged, that they've done their child rearing,but it would be nice if they wanted to help even more.

[shittestmumintheworld]

I've been there since September. New job after a bit of a career break. It's 2.5 days but with travel time. Doesn't sound like much but it's a senior role in an overstretched public sector setting. It's already pretty impossible to do what's needed in 2.5 days nevernind losing says unexpectedly. And no paid carers leave unfortunately.

[shittestmumintheworld]

And we still have chicken pox x2 fo come at some point.

2.5 should mean There's leeway to make up days, but the issue is getting extra childcare when it's not my usual days.

[MrsCheese5]

Sounds like you and your husband need to have a sit down and talk about childcare options. As you say juggling 2.5 days of work should be possible.

[shittestmumintheworld]

Sadly he has to be out of the equation. He's out of the house 6am - 8.30pm 5 days a week. But yes he needs to be reminded that he has to step up when one of them is sick. Obviously not possible when he's traveling though.

I'm wallowing really. I know it could be much worse. I just need to find a way of being pragmatic about work and not caring so much that I'm letting them down/being unreliable.

[sticklebrix]

Is an emergency nanny financially feasible for a day or two? Would your parents offer emergency help if you paid them the going rate? Your DH has to step up. At the very least he should be ringing around helping to find childcare, even if he's not physically present.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

My exH always used to assume that I would automatically take time off if the DCs were sick...because I was part time my job was less important than his

[Alexandra87]

Surely working from home with a child in an emergency is better than the work not being done at all? Is it the type of work you could catch up with on a nighttime while the dc are in bed. Not ideal but as a short term solution until dc better?

[shittestmumintheworld]

Emergency nanny i will look into - I'm not even sure there is such a thing in these parts (not London, semi-rural).

With my parents it's not so much a money thing as a too-difficult got-other-plans thing. My sister is another backup but she has happened to be busy this week. Could maybe ask her for catch up days though.

[Fruitcorner123]

Could you afford to quit? Would you want to if you could?

[Crumbs1]

You need an honest discussion with your line manager. They might be happy for a more flexible approach in the shorter term if it means keeping you. Can you do any work from home? Can you have a neighbour or friend on call for emergency childcare to give you flexibility - not to have a sick child but to have them outside normal childcare hours to allow you to vary working pattern? Can you offer to pay your parents to do likewise?
Don't sweat the small stuff. Your child might be disappointed you're not at an assembly but they'll actually learn resilience and how to cope with disappointment. It won't do long term harm.
You are entitled to unpaid parental leave so can you afford to agree with your line manager you'll use that when the little one is poorly? That gives around 5 days a year. I think you'll be surprised how understanding people are. You just need to get over the guilt of imperfection.

[herethereandeverywhere]

You could vaccine against chicken pox to vastly reduce your risk of that one? It would cost a lot as it needs to be private(2x doses x3 kids) but could be worth it for you.

[statetrooperstacey]

Have you actually really clearly asked your parents directly 'will you please have dc3 on x day and y day so I can go to work?' Or are you thinking well they know and haven't offered so that's that?
Ask them again. Don't be proud

[Oly5]

Is an au pair an option? That might ease the strain for a few years whirl the kids are young and they can stay home with sick kids

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Honestly it does get easier as they get older. There were many days at that stage when just one adverse comment from a colleague or an extra demand from a manager would have been the final straw that made me walk away. But we got through it. The time off for sick DCs is a difficult one- at that stage because I was so close to chucking it in it was me that took the sick days rather than DH, as we figured it was better to annoy my employer than his, however as things got better and I have a better job (and now earn slightly more per day than he does) if one of the DCs is ill and we have to take a day off we do a sort of 'job-off' to work out who has the most difficult things to rearrange or cancel that day. We take annual leave, make the hours up, swap days (as I am part-time I can do this) and for chicken pox we each took a few days unpaid. The ironic thing is that often the more senior you are the more flexibility you have to rearrange things and be able to make time up, so it's definitely worth discussing with your DH and find out his firms policies. We also only take 2 weeks a year off on annual at the same time to spread our time out as much as possible. Hope things improve soon.

[GoodEnough1]

I often felt exactly like that when my children were small, particularly after I became a single mum. Now I see others go through it and really feel for them. Don't change your plans, go to the assembly etc, these things are important too. Before you know it your children will be self sufficient and will rely on the security that your job helps to provide. Then you can put in the hours while parents of younger children struggle through. The fact you feel so bad is because you are a good mother and a good employee and although you may not feel it right now while you are stressed, that will be valued if you hang on in there. Trust that everything will work out and don't be too hard on yourself.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Oh yes and we rarely make assemblies, sports days etc but commit to attend the Christmas show every year without fail, which gets them through.

[MiddleagedManic]

It's a crappy situation. I long to be back in a proper working environment but between school not having childcare either side of the school day, school holidays, random teacher training days, polling closing the school as well as all the assemblies, illness, medical appts, etc. it's hard to fit work in to those hours and keep sane. The world has gone slightly mad. Grandparents shouldn't be obliged, shouldn't have to help out or feel like they should at all. In fact, I wish they wouldn't as then we'd all be back in the same boat and employers would have to realise that kids get ill, chicken pox is still a reality, schools have 48hr policies for sickness (quite rightly), hospitals give paed appts during the day only (ime) and all the other shit.
I have no answers, but I do feel your pain.
I gave up. I hate it every week and I browse the job boards hoping that another miracle job may come up that fits around school hours, but it never does. I gave up, we are just about managing financially but I have been there for every assembly, every first day, can take DS to after school activities, go to the park on the way home from school, etc. We'll never pay off the mortgage or have a decent pension.....but, I have enjoyed chatting to my son on the swings in the sunshine and I hope those memories keep me going when I'm sitting in squalid conditions in my dotage :D

Do what feels right for you. It's one life. Enjoy it.

[scallopsrgreat]

Maybe your partner should look at changing his hours to more reasonable ones, like you have? After all they are his children too. It's not fair that you take all the burden.

Although I'm sure there will be a very good reason why he can't. There always is .