To not want to 'share' my infertility 'experience' with my friend(60 Posts)
Bit of a backstory to this one and I don't want to dripfeed so will just summarise....
My relationship with my once closest friend of about 20 years somewhat broke down over the past couple of years. She is quite needy at the best of times and I haven't felt the same since she very aggressively attacked me for not being a good friend (not the case). We have exchanged pleasantries by text every now and then and she is clearly guilty but wouldntt apologise and I'm not desperate for one either.
I have reached the point where I wouldn't be bothered if I never spoke to her again. I just can't get past how she treated me.
I have been TTC for over 3 years now. During this time I have had about 20 cycles of clomid, multiple rounds using injectables, ovarian driling, laparoscopy, endo removal, 4 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle two months ago. To say I'm an expert in all things infertility is an understatement. I am at the point where I am actively avoiding pregnant friends who have been really bloody kind to me, I am panicky every day and I don't know how to move forward with my life as we are scraping the barrel treatment wise.
Said friend is slightly overweight (bmi wise) and her periods come once every 2 months. She recently got in touch out of the blue to say that she was waiting for a referal to her local IF dept as she wanted to get treatment despite not having tried to conceive for much more than 6 months. She claimed to 'finally understand how hard this mjst be for me'. I bit my tongue.
She told me earlier this week that she has been prescribed 25mg of clomid (I fail to see how this amount would do anything at all!!!). I replied and asked what the treatment plan was. She responded 3 days later asking why I was "being so cold"
And that "this is an experience we can share together and get our relationship back on track". I'm fuming and haven't replied. I am probably being U, but I don't want to 'share' this nightmare with anyone, least of all her and our situations are not the same. I don't particularly discuss my situation with people as I figure it's too bloody miserable. Chances are she will be pg in a few months and I don't understand how she doesn't get why our circumstances aren't the same. Not to mention there are holes in her story and I feel like she is exaggerating her situation. Everything always ended up being about her and I can't do it anymore. For the record, my message wasn't cold but because I wasn't all excited in response, she interprets it as being cold. Aibu??? Wwyd?
Knowing how hard it is to get a referral to a fertility clinic let alone agreement to get started on treatment I think perhaps yabu a bit. You seem to think because she's overweight and with irregular periods she shouldn't be entitled to treatment or is somehow less entitled than you??
I understand infertility is a highly emotionally charged time but it's not a competition, there's no top trumps or heirarchy of deserving treatment.
Thanks for your message. With respect, it's not difficult. If you tell them you'd been TTC for over a year with NO periods when in fact it's been less than 6 months with regular periods I think it's a piss take and taking away from people who are genuinely needing help.
Ignore the time of her text and simply answer back "Sending you loads and loads of luck and baby dust, hun. Xx" or some other vague platitude.
She wants drama. Don't give her anything but blandness.
Cut her loose. You just don't like the girl and there's no coming back from that. For what it's worth, she doesn't sound like she has the best intentions, it's still all about her.
And I would consider a period at least every two months to be fairly regular.
It may be she simply wants someone she can talk to who's been through it and understands. Which is fine. But that goes both ways, and if it's something that hurts too much to talk about for you, or simply that you don't want to discuss with her, then that's completely fine too. And she needs to respect that just because she wants to talk about it, doesn't mean you do.
what Elspeth said! she wants a ruck., domt give it to her
onwards OP, tough times. wishing you peace
I don't blame you at all op. What she's said is so insensitive. It took me 8 months to conceive with irregular periods and I wasn't even concerned after 6 months - no way would I have compared it to friends who'd been through what you have. I'm very overweight too. I know it's not a competition but I don't like this girl's attitude with you.
I think you should avoid her as she does seem to want drama and that is not good for you.
Thanks everyone. I think it's the assumption that I am on the same page as her. She's at the starting line, I have done all that with no success and she's baffled as to why I'm not excited by it all. I can't be around people who magically get pregnant and I'm still stuck in the same gut wrenching position.
From the way you're posting here, I can imagine that you came off pretty cold.
She's not to blame for your infertility.
You're under no obligation to be in her life so you can easily just ignore the message and cut contact.
But it's not a contest to see who has it worse.
for what you're going through though. It must be horrendous.
Walter, the only thing remotely cold was that I didn't say "hi love/darling" etc. I still said I was eased she'd had her appointment and asked what the plan was. And the obligatory 'x' at the end.
So did she lie to get the referral?
I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do.
She does sound like she's trying to goad you, and the comment about "getting the friendship back on track" is telling.
No idea hissy, but I highly doubt a dr in all the land that would refer a patient for infertility when they've been TTC for less than 6 months with a period every 8 weeks or so. I didn't have a period for a year and got referred after 13 months of TTC. Why anyone would willingly take these drugs if they werent absolutely necessary is beyond me.
You are on different paths now - I agree the best thing is to send bland responses or nothing at all. This is only going to upset/infuriate you. You do not have to provide her with the support and attention she seems to desperately want.
Fwiw you and her have no idea how difficult she will find getting pregnant. It might be that in a few months she will be pregnant. Or it might be that she will struggle just as much as you, maybe more.
Periods that are there every two months are not regular periods and do generally indicate some issue re gyne/fertility. I do get that, if you don't have any period at all or they only once every 6 months, it feels a lot and regular but compare to a 'normal' cycle it's not..
Having said that, it is obvious that all this infertility stuff is really dragging you down and your way to deal with it is NOT to share it with others, compare notes etc...
So I would just tell her that. That yes it has been a very hard journey as she is on a similar road herself, she will appreciate not everyone deals with it the same way. And you prefer not to talk about it.
I agree with others - you are understandably hurt, and she is insensitive.
It is not necessarily hard to get a referral to a clinic.
I'm currently under investigation for recurrent miscarriage and they've uncovered several contributing factors, and I've recently had an IUI cycle cancelled because of one of them. And yet I'm perfectly clear reading your OP that I do not share your experience, nor anything close. And it would be appallingly insensitive to claim that was the case. You've had it really rough, and you'd be perfectly justified in saying that she has actually upset you quite a bit by her thoughtless comment. The fact she has some issues TTC does not compel you to minimise your own struggles and pretend you're in the same boat.
You think she's a selfish liar. There is no friendship. So you don't have to pretend there is one. All the other stuff is noise and will just annoy and hurt you.
The least contact possible.
Look after yourself and block her. You're already in an unbelievably tough place, without having someone wanting to rake it all over for her own purposes.
Her complete lack of awareness of that means that rekindling this can only be bad for you.
Even if you had seemed cold or distant, what the hell would she expect if she just pops up on text and expects to have a conversation about such a hugely sensitive subject to you, it's completely understandable to anyone who thinks 30 seconds, that perhaps you might not want to talk about it, perhaps you will need to stay detached when talking about it.
Btw for GP to issue a referral, they normally ask for 12 months of trying. Whether you are some periods or not is irrelevant because having no periods isn't the only cause of infertility. You can be totally infertile with what could be described as 'perfect cycle/periods'.
Which makes me wonder if she actually hasn't been trying for longer than that.
Unless she lied of course...
Butbthen it's not unusual for consultants to have in front of them people who have been trying for years. They never get pregnant because they basically hardly have sex....
YANBU to feel the way you do or to not want to share your experience with her... but ...
Chances are she will be pg in a few months < sounds incredibly dismissive and harsh, perhaps she will - and if she is then surely that's a good thing? if she isn't then she may come to you looking for advice/support? I don't think you're going to be happy at either scenario so I would probably just completely cut all ties now, you obviously don't like her anyway.
Avoid avoid avoid. You don't need to share anything with her and she sounds like she would be a nightmare to deal with if she is fortunate to get pregnant.
I agree that elspeth's text sounds right.
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