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To send DS to his room for the whole evening as a consequence for bullying behaviour?

(62 Posts)
howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 13:39:42

Had phone call from school - DS (9 yrs) has really upset another child by making horrible personal remarks about them. He did it yesterday (they didn't tell me at pick up) and apologised, but has done it again to the same child today.

He has done similar to other children (not this one though) before and it seems that frequent talking about why it's not ok is not working. I just need to get it through to him that this has to stop. WIBU to make him spend the whole afternoon/evening in his room? Take away computer privileges for a week? I don't know how else to get him to understand the seriousness of this kind of behaviour.

Northernparent68 Wed 17-May-17 13:43:57

I would take his computer for several weeks as well as make spend the afternoon and evening in his room,and I would give him any pocket money for at least a fortnight

Crack down hard now before this escalates

HildaOg Wed 17-May-17 13:45:35

I'd take his computer privileges and keep him in his room for the week. If that's the consequence everytime he is nasty to other children then he will stop. Go down hard and shock him out of it now.

howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 13:49:07

He doesn't get pocket money. Ok, so I'm not being harsh, I'll do both. I feel so awful for the other child, and just so disappointed in DS. sad

Terfing Wed 17-May-17 13:50:16

I would make him write sincere apologies to his victims angry

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 17-May-17 13:52:41

Is he copying this sort of behaviour from anyone irl or online? Why is he wanting to cause hurt?

ems137 Wed 17-May-17 13:55:13

My 9 year old is more than capable enough to understand the effects of her actions on another person.

I think you've maybe been a bit too soft in previous incidents if all you've done is talk about why it's not ok. I was told my DD was part of a group that was "ganging up" on another girl by name calling. I told her off big time, explained again how nasty it was and how would she feel if it was her, encouraged her to include everyone in games, walk away from trouble and then took privileges off her as well.

howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 13:56:30

He is experiencing bullying himself at school - which I've raised with them but they have so far ignored. He was punched in the face last week. I've just written again to them about it.

Sadly he also has issues from experiencing his fathers DV against me, which feeds into it I'm sure. He is having counselling at the moment. But regardless he has to stop and see that hurting others gets no one anywhere.

requestingsunshine Wed 17-May-17 13:56:59

If this was my child he would be losing computer/game/tv priviledges for 2 weeks. No going to friends houses to play. And I would also be 100% behind the school to make him stand up in assembly and apologise to the bullied child/the class for his behaviour. If he thought humiliating another child was funny, lets see how he likes it.
Nip it in the bud now.

howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 13:58:10

ems I've read him the riot act, given consequences, talked in between times about how he would feel. None of it seems to get through. I think I need to shock him with something harsh and long lasting as pp have suggestedz

howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 13:59:03

I've asked for a meeting with the head. I'll support whatever action school want to take.

requestingsunshine Wed 17-May-17 14:01:39

Cross post with you OP. If he is being bullied also and the school are not acting on it you need to pursue it with them. schools can be really lax in dealing with stuff like this. Sorry to hear about your dv and your ds witnessing it. This may well have a bearing on his bullying. Hopefully the councilling will help him with his feelings on that flowers

MrsJayy Wed 17-May-17 14:02:30

You need to let him know how sad you are that he picks on other children he will understand he chooses not to sending him to his room to think about it is fine taking away his computer is fine but he needs to be aware what he has done also i would ask school for help too he needs to be actually sorry not just sorry so he can get his computer back iyswim.

MrsJayy Wed 17-May-17 14:04:12

Saw you are getting school involved that is a good move

TeenAndTween Wed 17-May-17 14:04:52

Conversely, you have a child who is himself being bullied and who has been witness to DV himself. He could be feeling very vulnerable himself and just trying to make himself feel a bit bigger and stronger by picking on someone else. You coming down like a tonne of bricks may make him feel even more alone and isolated.

I would consider if this might be the case. If so, love and hugs and understanding. Let him talk about why he has said the hurtful things. Understand the actions even whilst saying they are not acceptable. Go back to the school and say his actions not acceptable but what are they doing about your DS being bullied himself?

ems137 Wed 17-May-17 14:06:47

My DD responds better to personalised punishments (sounds weird I know) but stuff like not playing out or no TV etc doesn't seem to bother her. I have learnt to pick something she really enjoys doing and withdraw that as well. For example she loves colouring and also going to the corner shop for me, I take those things away and it affects her a lot more

howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 14:07:18

Yes mrsjayy it's how to get it through to him. I will obviously talk to him about it again, but even when I think I've got through to him it doesn't seem to work. I worry that years of seeing his dad's abusive behaviour and being on the receiving end of emotional abuse from the dad had just suppressed any empathy. Yet he can be so very kind at times. I'm at my wits end.

And the other child he has known since they were babies. It's just so horrible for them.

blerp Wed 17-May-17 14:07:57

Perhaps he isn't really experiencing bullying and that's why school are ignoring it.

Often when a child is bullying they will claim they are the ones being bullied, so approach situation with care.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 17-May-17 14:09:06

Chores. .
Chance to gather his thoughts and his actions whilst washing up. ..
Please don't isolate him in his bedroom. .
Lines of communication stay better open doing constructive punishments imo. .
Ds years ago was sent to his room by exh and he walked out on the roof after feelings of despair at his own behaviour. .
Much more positive results since with other dc after getting stuck into 'jobs' as a team. . Silence / radio on but still showing you are mad at his behaviour not him.
More likely to get a genuine apology if you haven't turned the tables and made him mad at you. .
Obviously still tech repercussions etc.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 17-May-17 14:10:24

Can you get books about bullying or your tube videos to show him?

This is a good one

Make him also write an apology to the victims. No pocket money for a month, no treats, nothing.

claraschu Wed 17-May-17 14:12:53

What a difficult and sad situation. OP, it sounds like you are really taking everything on board and doing everything you can to help him understand how bad this is.

It does sound like he is going through a lot, so I think that being really firm with him should go hand in hand with doing everything you can to make sure he feels safe and loved himself. I am sure you are already doing this, since you sound like such a kind and thoughtful mum.

I also think that writing a note to the other child and to his parents is a good idea. I think it is more important to get your son to think about how he can do better, and to express his sincere feelings of regret, but I don't think humiliating him or forcing him to write something insincere will necessarily help.

When my child was being bullied, I would certainly have appreciated a short note from the bully's mum just to say she was aware, and dealing with it.

elevenclips Wed 17-May-17 14:13:02

I would be careful with the balance of punishment and understanding. The most important thing is to understand what it does to the victim and not ever to do it again.

If you can't get to the root of it, it will just continue and the target changes after they get pulled up for upsetting the original child.

Personally, I wouldn't send him to his room. You need to communicate. I would take the computer privileges for a week. You could make him read and watch accounts written by vicitms. I've posted this before on MN but ultimately a victim may commit suicide and you will find articles to show this to him. He really does need to be shocked IMO to stop it now. eg If he called someone fat then show him the progression to anorexia. eg If he called someone anti semetic names, show him some holocaust stuff. If he just wears away at someone's self esteem, show him an account of someone with depression. Somehow you have to get through.

As an aside there isn't much school can do. School can do things like put him in a detention but ultimately it doesn't really address the root of the problem.

TheRealPooTroll Wed 17-May-17 14:19:05

Kids who are being bullied can also pick on others as well. It may be that he wants to feel in a position of power over someone else because his bully makes him feel helpless. Or that he's trying to dodge being teased himself my making someone else a target. But obviously he needs to know that it's not ok to upset others even if others are doing it to him. As it's not the first time I think a consequence is in order but not taking every privilege he has or banishing him for the evening I don't think. I would maybe ban electronics after school or remove pocket money or something that you think will have an impact. If you go nuclear over this what would you do if he hurt another child for eg? The consequence needs to be proportionate and not some kind of grand gesture in the hope he will never consider setting foot out of line again.
And you need to keep on at the school until they are managing the bullying he has been victim to.

user1492517429 Wed 17-May-17 14:19:30

I agree that he needs to write a letter of apology to the child. I always make my kids apologise to anyone they have upset in any way. If they are embarrassed about that then good, don't be horrible in the first place

howtostopthis Wed 17-May-17 14:20:51

Thanks - I will definitely do the Apple analogy with him this afternoon. And chores. I think I'll do a mix of going to his room and coming down for chores. If I don't send him to his room I would have to withdraw TV/computer time from the other children as well, since we only have one reception room - which wouldn't be fair.

Or maybe I'll just ban him from the living room - so he can come into the kitchen with me or be in his room.

I will look for suitable stories of victims to tell him and talk to him about.

And I will text the other child's parents to apologise and let them know I'm dealing with it.

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