To say no to adult ds?(44 Posts)
Could do with some opinions on this please folks as its making me quite stressed and i need to give him an answer.Bear with me will try not to be too long winded!
So hes 22 and living at the other end of the Country working full time living independently, so far so good. He has decided that he wants to go to Uni to do a specific healthcare profession course but as he doesn't have A levels would need to do a foundation year as well, so 4 years study in total. Problem being he cant get a student loan for the foundation year so wants to borrow from a private student finance company (they get very mixed reviews) and would need me or DH to be the guarantor for the loan. I feel distinctly uneasy about this, as it seems to be a very sudden idea of his and he wants to start in September! It all feels a bit rushed, first i heard of it was last week! What he does with his life is up to him obviously and i dont think its a bad idea in itself, but the loan aspect is worrying me and frankly i dont want to be the guarantor for something im not convinced hes thought through properly. He also wants to come back home and live for this summer and every summer until he finishes the degree, its hard having an adult child back in the house, we've done it before with his brother and it was stressful! Dh (not ds father but has always supported him financially) is very concerned about the whole thing too.
I am inclined to say to ds that we will not agree for this year, but if he stays in his job and saves hard over the next year to show his commitment, we will be much more prepared to support him in any way he needs.
Hes going to be angry with me and will see it as me being mean I know he will. I'm dreading the conversation, so i need to ask Aibu?
My first thought would be you did it for his brother but won't for him. Now I know there may be different circumstances but at face value it sounds very unfair.
However agreeing to support him once he's shown his commitment by saving up for a year isn't unreasonable
If you have supported his brother as an adult, then I would try to be fair.
Had he expressed interest in this sort of thing before- has he been working since 16/18, or been in a college course before?
You'd not be unreasonable not to be a guarantor for a loan you're not convinced of, but you'd otherwise perhaps need to offer more support.
How much money is involved, and what is his career progression/earnings going to be after?
I think it would be wise for him to spend a year getting relevant experience to this career path if possible- if he hated it it's a large loan to pay back for perhaps no benefit?
To me it depends on your financial circumstances about whether you guarantee the loan , as for the problem with him wanting to come home for uni holidays I actually think it's quite sad that you wouldn't readily want your children to think of your home as their home . My children know that they always have a home with us , if they want it in the same way as I know I could always go back to my mums if I needed to .
He's never expressed any interest in this career before and has previous student loans already - he did not complete the course. He is inclined to rush into things then regret it later.
I'm worried about his commitment really.
But if he starts this Sept will he not already have a place? Could he defer while he saves? Or could he do a part time job while he studies? I dont think you can say no, and if youve helped one go through uni then you cannot not help the other to, especially as he is still quite young. Please dont assume he wont follow this through, it will be horrible for him to think you dont believe he can do it when his sibling has
No apparently he doesn't have a place yet! But thinks he will get one??! I really think he's being a bit naive about the whole thing.
Ok, then yes I see why you are worried.
I would support, but not to the extent of a student loan guarantee for this September. I'd need to see savings (even if it meant moving home for a year), commitment to this career path by voluntary work or job reflecting this, and possibly say try for A levels/access course closer to home rather than 4 years away at uni with extra associated costs.
Get him home for the weekend for a face-to-face conversation.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. He is only young, another year will not matter and it will give him a chance etc to clear any overdraft, credit credit card. Build up some cash for supplies etc. But good luck in convincing him of it.
He could also study part time. I did an 'A' level part time in one year in order to put it to my university course application.
Is he going to be in halls every year of his degree? Most private rented accommodation for students have 1 year tenancies, so I'm not sure why he would need to live at home in the summer. If he's already living independently, it would probably be easier and cheaper for him to rent privately anyway than to live in halls.
Did you help his brother financially? I took your post to mean that you had had his brother staying at home as an adult already, and that was stressful.
Can he do an Access course somewhere (do they still do those?) and then apply for a 3 year degree?
He needs to come home and you all need to sit down and thrash it out face to face and see how much he's really looked into this.
KC225 you have made some good suggestions, ones which i have already put to him but hes always been a "want it now must have it now" personality. Hes not one for waiting, planning or listening to advice!
I did help his brother for his PGCE which was after his Degree and had been a long term plan since he was about 12!
I'm speaking from the perspective as a "child"...
When I wanted to return to education I approached my parents for financial support and asked if I could move back home. I was told NO.
I was initially upset, but I carried on with my plans to study without my parents financial support. It was a bit harder, but forced me to grow up and learn how to manage my time, budget better and made me more determined to succeed. I graduated with a 2.1 had two job offers before I graduated and built a successful career.
You know your son and your concerns about his plans are valid. But you are also allowed to be selfish as well. I think your proposed offer is perfectly reasonable.
Yes - you can offer support without agreeing to something you're uncomfortable about.
Part of growing up is realising and accepting that things can't always happen straight away, or without some effort. And that your parents can't always afford your plans.
There are other options he could pursue to show commitment. He could do the foundation year via OU and would get funding for that via SLC. He could check with the uni he wants to attend to make sure the course he picks is the right one for entry to his chosen career path. If he waited, he could also get a 24 plus learning loan from the SLC which is used to fund A Level/Foundation year courses. Are either of those an option for him?
Some people are late bloomers. You can't necessarily write this off as a whim. Maybe he finally got the courage to say what he wants to do. You couldn't have more different children, could you? I think it's unfair to benchmark him against his brother. I suggest you do a face to face this weekend, let him find out the finer details in the meantime this week and come to a decision as a family. The main thing for me is for you to be able to afford to pay this money because the loan company will definitely pursue you for this money the moment your ds says he can't pay.
why can't he get a career development loan? that would cover the foundation year? Or go to night school and keep his job? There are other options...
Obv those options presume he's not living in Scotland
Can he do an access course? Some colleges offer them part time over two years, a friend of mine did it this way. Or he could do A levels at night school.
I do think it is sad that you wouldn't have him home for holidays but with lots of HCP courses the university holidays are very short as they do placements so for my son coming home was 6 weeks a year, one at Christmas, one at Easter and 4 in the summer. Different to his brothers and sisters who got much longer holidays. Would that make it easier? If you tell us the course someone might know if that applies.
bella some really interesting suggestions there, I need him to do a bit more research on all this.
Nursebuttercup that's the kind of independence and commitment I want to encourage in him, well done to you!
I forgot to say, I was 24 at the time and my my parents had given up on me going to University. They had supported my younger sis through uni and she drifted after graduating so they felt it was a waste of money. In the two years prior to approaching my parents, I had completed two A' levels part-time via evening classes but I never told them.
If your son really wants to pursue this opportunity he'll find a way with or without your input.
In the real world stamping your feet and I want it now doesn't work.
And as you know, the successful careers mainly happen through planning, waiting and listening to advice.
If he's had student loans before, but not got A levels, how has he got onto that course/courses?
But to answer your question, if he doesn't have a place at uni, and has dropped out of things before, I'd say it's fine not to agree to being his guarantor. Spell out to him exactly why, don't just say no, and how he reacts to that is up to him.
My first thought would be you did it for his brother but won't for him. Now I know there may be different circumstances but at face value it sounds very unfair
Agree with this I'm afraid.
Agree though it does sound very rushed, but at least it is for something really worthwhile - you know your DS better than us with regard to him sticking it out.
Not commenting on your finances, but if it's money you wouldn't really miss, then I would do it. If it would put undue pressure on finances, then I'd be saying no/save up for a time and then we will help.
I think that's totally reasonable, and very kind of you to offer for next year if he saves and shows commitment. At 22 a year is nothing really.
Is night school/ distance learning between now and then an option to get the A levels he'd need, reducing the time/money of being a full time student.
Has he already had a student loan for a year in the past? Is this why the foundation year is not available for the usual Student Finance? The students on foundation year (+3 year degrees) at the uni where I am are eligible for Student Finance.
He could do an Access Course as an alternative to the Foundation Year ( can get Student Finance for that usually) and move on to the degree.
Most private student housing has 1 year contracts (only Uni halls have summer voids here) so he may be better off staying and getting PT work near the uni in the summer to cover that.
Having an adult child at home isn't always stressful. My eldest came back a few years ago to do a Masters (no loans available then) and it was really lovely having her back - she was really appreciative of us supporting her having been out (like your son) in the real world paying extortionate fees to Landlords/agents etc and having learnt the reality of managing on a small budget.
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