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AIBU to be so angry?

(143 Posts)
LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 08:30:01

This is going to be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

My DD and I moved from overseas to be with my DH as he wanted to start fresh in his home country. I was fine with this as I hadn't done much traveling in my life and thought it would be a good experience.

However since moving here he has started a new career and it seems he doesn't know how to turn it off or create a balance. At first I put this off as to just being it's his first real job and he wants to do well and that he would learn to balance.

We then learn that we were expecting DS. All fine and dandy apart from work issues again, but once again I also put this off to wanting to get everything sorted before he took paternity leave when our son was born etc.

A few weeks after DS is born my DH is offered a promotion that will take him out of the house more, take him away on numerous overnights a month, and is barely a pay increase whatsoever after taxes. I told him I did not think it was the best time to be taking a new role like this as we were struggling within our marriage and just had our DS and already had DD (toddler) at home. He took the job anyway without discussing anything with me or telling me any details. It was just a temporary cover so I was annoyed but got over it as he kept insisting it would benefit everyone and move him forward in the business.

A few months down the line we are fighting all the time, but only related to work issues such as never turning off, coming home hours late, and him being gone 25-50% of the month on these overnights. They then decide to offer him the role full time but say we have to move to a bigger city area.

I was fine with this move because we would be closer to certain people and there were more opportunities and things for kids and I to do in bigger city. We started to see somebody together to talk about issues and it seemed to be going a bit better. Just the occasional fight here and there, still work related. But it really seemed he was starting to listen to me and understand why I was upset about certain things and I did try to be more understanding if work things came up.

Fast forward again a few months and he's offered another promotion that required another move. I expressed that I did not want him to take it. I didn't think we were in the best place to be moving and for him to be taking on more at work. However this was ignored and he took it anyway as he wants to move forward. He sold the job off to me as that he would be only working set hours (9-5 M-F), wouldn't have to be away on overnights, and we would live close to work so he would be able to get home earlier. There really wasn't a take home pay increase after tax so we aren't really any better off.

Now we're in new house and role has started. We moved in over a weekend and he started following Monday, normal and fine. The first two nights of the job they have him out for dinners until 930-10pm. This means he did not see our kids at all these days. There have been even more of these since. Multiple a week. These are not work required, just socialising with each other. Once in a while I wouldn't mind but all the time is just taking the piss IMO.

As well as this, even though he starts at 9 he leaves everyday at 730 to get there by 8 and insists everyone does this. I told him everyone isn't in the same situation as we are and I would like if he had breakfast with us/spent time with kids in morning. This was ignored and he's said he will be leaving at 730 every morning to get to office at 8. I said then I want him to leave work on time, as he's been leaving more than an hour and a half after work ends everyday, again same excuse that everyone else does this.

He spends very little time with the kids, and as a SAHM (because we can't afford childcare) I never get a break or time to myself and I'm so exhausted all the time. He's home on weekends, but he just wants to relax at that point so it isn't much help. He's more of the "fun" parent so I'm still stuck changing, feeding, and cleaning kids. I feel like he's leaving us in the dust for his career and that I really have no say in my own life.

He is at times really great and we only fight when it comes down to family versus work situations but he never sees my side of things. I feel like I'm just expected to give and give and I just don't think I have anything left.

We had a huge row this morning and he just refuses to listen to anything I'm saying and just tries to turn it into something else or just tries to walk out of house to ignore me. I know violence is never the answer but I'm at my breaking point and I'm so tired of being ignored and left behind and I smacked him on the back today as he was trying to walk away from me.

I know I was BU to smack him, I feel crappy about it. But AIBU to be this fed up? If I wanted to raise the kids alone I would have just stayed in my country closer to my family where I had support.

LedaP Tue 16-May-17 08:39:37

You are not only falling out about work though.

You are falling out because he does care about spending time with you or the kids. Doesnt care what impact his moving and changing jobs has on you. Doesnt care about your wellbeing etc.

You need to stop writing it off as 'its his jobs fault' or 'only fall out about work'.

How long were you together before you got married and moved? Are you somewhete, where you couldnt bring your son home?

LedaP Tue 16-May-17 08:40:28

And yes violence is never ok. Doesnt matter whats going on.

Roussette Tue 16-May-17 08:44:52

Hmm.... I'm going to reply but my view might not be popular. When my DCs were little, my DH was in the same position. He left for work before the kids were up and wasn't back until they were in bed. So basically he barely saw them during the week.

It, of course, was not ideal but that was his job, he was trying to better himself as far as work and we needed him to do that to earn more money.

I'm not sure what the answer is whilst one parent is doing the career thing and you are stuck at home with the DCs. What do you think the answer is? I just would not have given my DH aggro for working hard. I'm sorry if that's the wrong answer...

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 08:49:25

@LedaP been together 4 years. Moved about a year and a half ago. Son was born here so is a citizen here like DH. DD and myself are not. Would be difficult to move him home as would need DH permission and he's not the type that would just let us go easily, not out of caring but out of spite. Also as he is sole earner I wouldn't have anything to really get us moving IYSWIM.

@Roussette it would be one thing if I was from here and had family/friends or any network here really but I don't. Every time I get settled anywhere we end up moving again. And as Leda stated it is a lot that he doesn't care that he isn't here and isn't making the effort to be or even show any sign that he feels bad or is apologetic about it.

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 08:50:13

When I say anything about it he just tries to turn it into anything else and makes me feel insane or as if I've done something wrong.

I just feel like if this was what he wanted he shouldn't have had us move or had our DS.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Tue 16-May-17 08:53:11

Hitting him, no matter how upset you were, was awful. Imagine the uproar if he'd lost his rag with you and slapped you?

I understand how hard it is with small kids and a partner with a demanding job with long hours. But with the best will in the world, what are the alternatives? You chose to live there, chose to have another child, and chose to be a SAHM. I'm not quite sure what you want from him?

gren Tue 16-May-17 08:54:19

Has he given you a timescale about this next role?

CustardLover Tue 16-May-17 08:55:25

I have a lot of sympathy for both of you and I don't think you're being very supportive to one another. This is the hard time - when we have young children and also want to build careers - the times do coincide unhelpfully. I think you saying things like 'leave on time' to your husband when he has told you about the culture at his place of work is just unhelpful - it would be more useful to plan a couple of mornings or evening per week where you book that in rather than a blanket mandate. He is doing well and being rewarded at his place of work so I can see that he wants to work hard and progress. Have you talked about a 5 year plan together? Where is this job going - are you staying in his home country forever? In my family, DH and I have a shared vision for the future of our family and we know then that everything we do and choices we make are building to that future (or at least that's the idea) - we're in it together. I can see that you are feeling isolated and this is a really hard time with a baby and toddler and in a different country. Are you making friends in your new place? Are there groups you can go to for support? I think you're both working hard and trying to do the best for yourselves and your family but not doing it as a unit. That consideration should go both ways and it sounds to me that at the moment it isn't going your way... but also not his way either. Good luck - this stage is tricky but together you can do it!

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 16-May-17 08:56:03

Hitting is not ok. If a DH had done that to his DW they would be rightly torn apart in here.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 16-May-17 08:58:27

Ask him what sort of relationship he expects to have in the future with the dc when he will effectively hardly know them. . What about when they leave home - your marriage will be none existent by then - does he intend to enjoy his retirement alone? with only half a pension as you will have jumped ship with your share. . .

LedaP Tue 16-May-17 08:58:45

I know the ship has sailed, but why did you move there and gave s baby knowing you would be essentially trapped?

Please tell me its not a place where he eill get the kids if you split? I would look for a divorce if dh hit me.

What would life be there like if he took a lower paid job that meant he was at home more? Is it expensive to live there? Would you be prepared to also get a full time job to plug money gaps.

Did you know what sort of career he wanted to pursue?

This isnt working for you or for your kids. I think you need to make a plan. He isnt going to change.

Difficult to judge if he should step from his career as it depends on each couple.

LedaP Tue 16-May-17 09:00:24

with only half a pension as you will have jumped ship with your share.

Depending on where the Op is she may not even get that. Especailly if he leaves her now.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork Tue 16-May-17 09:01:23

I'm not quite sure what you want from him? A bit of understanding that she is working hard too, a bit of time- does he really need to be the office at 8 if his working day starts at 9?. A bit if honesty, not convincing her that a new job would be better as it is 9-5 hours when he clearly had no intention of sticking to those hours. And I don't read it as OP being a SAHP by choice, but because childcare is expensive, and she is in a different country where she is not a citizen - does she even have the right to work??

YANBU OP, although hitting him was a bad idea!

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 09:02:24

@CustardLover I am supportive to a point but there's only so much I can take. He will lie and say he will be home at a certain time to help with certain things and then just disappears and isn't here. He won't tell me he's staying out for dinner until just before he goes even though it would have been in his calendar for ages. He tells me he will be here and isn't and that's what gets me the most. There is no compromise really. He never gives on anything. Work just always wins out.

We have talked about what I want etc but if it clashes with his work then I lose out. It's just what will always come first.

Also to everyone talking about the smacking, I've said it was wrong and I feel crap about it. That's not the point of my post. I put that in to show the point I've gotten to with being ignored and pushed aside. You're not saying anything about that I haven't already thought and know so can we just talk about what I posted for help with please?

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 09:06:07

@TheWhiteRoseOfYork yes that's exactly it.

I moved here because I thought we would be how we were before we moved. I didn't know I would be left behind while he furthered his career. He had a lot of issues with drugs and drinking previous to us being together, and sort of at the beginning of us being together and I supported him and helped him get past it when no one else gave him the time of day (his family included). I have done so much to help him get to where he is and now I feel like since he's gotten here he's just only seeing his progression rather than helping me move forward in my career and life as well.

Sexstarvedredhead Tue 16-May-17 09:09:15

All of your explanation does not offer some sort of balance. You hit him. A lot of relationships won't come back from that. Quite rightly. You need to start thinking about your future life without him to support you and what would be best for the children.
It's hard to understand why someone would continue to take more responsibility for no pay rise. And to sink costs and family into multiple moves. That is quite suspicious in my view. Is he saving up to leave? Is he covering up debt? Certainly a massive debt and the need to pay it off would explain why work is more important than his children.
The relationship is pretty dead in the water. You need to sort things out for your children.

Sexstarvedredhead Tue 16-May-17 09:11:46

Ah. Drugs & drink. Well that explains it all. He's just another addicted liar covering his habit. Time to get out. He's not going to magically become supportive. He's a user and a drain.

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 09:12:21

@Sexstarvedredhead we have a joint account so I would see if he's moved any money or had any debts or anything.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Tue 16-May-17 09:12:33

TheWhiteRoseOfYork hitting him was a bad idea? No, it was domestic violence. The fact OP is female and pissed off doesn't excuse lifting her hands.
I already said I do understand a job which takes your OH away for a lot of hours is stressful, my DP works 7 days a week, sometimes 18 hour days, sometimes he's away for days at a time, and we have 3 young kids, 2 with a diagnosis of ASD and one pending dx. It's hard, of course it is, but that's life. Kids need to eat, they need clothes, they need money. He didn't make her move, she chose to, she chose to have another child and stay at home. Otherwise, she'd be working if she wasn't happy at home wouldn't she?

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 09:14:36

@SaorAlbaGuBrath if you read what I've said I did not CHOOSE to be a SAHM. I have to be as we cannot afford childcare for the kids. It was not like this when/before I moved because this was not his career then. This all happened when he started working there and was unable to balance.

strikhedonia Tue 16-May-17 09:15:07

If he can afford diner out, he can afford some childcare - or a cleaner of some kind to help you.

There's no point saying you should have discussed the compromises that go with a family before having the baby, that won't help. You need help and you need a break, so he needs to provide that for you. If he wants to relax at the weekend, then so should you. Either looking after your children is not a real job, and he can do it at the weekend, or it's exhausting and he's too tired, so you need help. Simple.

It's hard to step down in your career. I kind of understand he can't do that easily. If you have more help and are much less tired, you could be more understanding so he doesn't need to tell you things at the last minute to avoid a row.

There's a cultural aspect to work, look at his family. I am around people who genuinely believe work comes first, and find normal to be out of the house for 12 hours + at a time. When both parents work, they have nannies, and quite a few give the choice of boarding school to their older kids because they believe they have a better time there during the week with their friends. There's nothing wrong in that set up if everybody is happy.

Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but you are frustrated. If nothing changes, do you want to stick to your current life?

LostandConfused24 Tue 16-May-17 09:17:28

@strikhedonia no I don't want to stick to this and I've told him that. When we went to talk to a counsellor he promised he would set an expectation at work from the beginning of the new job that he was doing this for his family so he needed to get home at a reasonable time to be with us and help out. But in the end he won't do it. He just sticks with the status quo because he wants to blend in.

They did some insights personality thing at work and it even said in there he needs to say no more at work. He has never and will never say no to them.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 16-May-17 09:18:43

Also to everyone talking about the smacking, I've said it was wrong and I feel crap about it. That's not the point of my post. I put that in to show the point I've gotten to with being ignored and pushed aside. You're not saying anything about that I haven't already thought and know so can we just talk about what I posted for help with please?

Sorry but no it can't be just brushed aside like that.

Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but you are frustrated.

Looking forward to you saying that on a thread where a poster has been hit by her DH.

LedaP Tue 16-May-17 09:20:49

You need to stop and take sometime to make a decision.

You met a man who was still coming through drink and drug problems, married him and moved you and your dd to another country and then had a baby with him, which means you are essentially stuck there.

How long was he clean when you married him?

There isnt much money increase on these better jobs, which says to me he is hiding money (possibly drugs or drink). Is he drinking when he goes out?

Now you are smacking him. This relationship isnt healthy and you have made huge life changing decisions far too quickly.

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