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I'm trying not to be unreasonable!

(15 Posts)
menopausehag Mon 15-May-17 21:21:23

Hi there, this is my first post, I have been reading here for a while and there are such a lot of well rounded and thoughtful opinions and ideas here, I'm hoping that you can throw a few in my direction!

I have two grown up sons both with decent jobs, girlfriends and nice 'in-laws'. I am separated from their dad and live about a forty minute drive away...from everyone really..not just them but the whole family, both mine and my exes. Financially, there is no way I can move any nearer for the foreseeable future. So my dilemma is this. I feel like I'm struggling to keep the bond as I would like it to be. I mean, I'm obviously not expecting things to be as they were when the kids were younger, but it's got to the point that I recently found out that one of my sons was on holiday via a Facebook picture (him, his girlfriend, girlfriends parents and the dogs, how nice, grrrr!). I mean, I do know they love me really. They do remember Mother's Day and my birthday etc. And I am happy of course that they are happy. I would just sometimes like a little more! Both of the girlfriends are extremely close to their parents and the boys have gone in that direction too. I would really appreciate any advice / shared experience so I can deal with my feelings with a bit of balls rather than staying in the slightly lost / needy place I'm in at the moment. Thanks!

StillDrivingMeBonkers Mon 15-May-17 21:28:33

I have boys too.

A son is son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all your life.

There's a lot of truth in ye olde wifes tales

Have you tried inviting them over for Sunday lunch etc on a regular basis?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Mon 15-May-17 21:29:19

Do you invite them to your home?

PovertyJetset Mon 15-May-17 21:37:19

How proactive are you? Rather than have an awkward conversation, what can you DO to change the situation?

I understand that you might feel lonesome though. It's tough.

junebirthdaygirl Mon 15-May-17 21:37:42

I can imagine one of my ds doing that in the future. He is hopeless at keeping in touch while he is away but great company when he is here.
Invite them over. Not too often. Let them pick a time.Food is one thing that attracts boys. Keep in touch by whatsapp etc. Try not to pay much attention to facebook stuff but do say make sure you tell me if you are leaving the country as l like to know where you are..no drama.
Specially build your own life so you are busy. But it is part of the letting go. Its not easy . Hopefully you have friends who are going through the same thing so can support each other.
Try not to compare youurself to the inlaws as parents going on holidays with you is not always a good thing.

NoSquirrels Mon 15-May-17 21:45:47

Ah, OP flowers

I know it's a cliche, but I think it is harder for mothers of boys once they are married. My DH, who is generally lovely, needs reminding and prompting about his mum. If I didn't suggest we have her to Sunday lunch, he'd never think of it. Similarly, she never invites us ...

We've been in holiday with my parents - but they were the instigators and invited us. We've also taken my MIL away, but that invite came as our idea.

So, I guess, rather than feeling hurt, can you plan to make some memories with them, suggest a few things? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say.

I think it's a bit harder when you're on your own if your DILs parents are still together, so I do appreciate it is more difficult but I bet it's just thoughtlessness but malice on the part of your sons.

NoSquirrels Mon 15-May-17 21:46:44

Thoughtlessness not malice that should say...

menopausehag Mon 15-May-17 21:58:58

I've got myself into a bit of a strange situation where I go to my exes for Sunday dinner and see my sons there sometimes. I'm beginning to think it may not be such a good idea.

NoSquirrels Mon 15-May-17 22:02:34

Sounds like you need to branch out, OP. Invite them to yours, or to a pub lunch, or somewhere nice for a weekend day trip (coast, NT property, local fete etc) and go from there.

MatildaTheCat Mon 15-May-17 22:07:46

very similar age and stage sons. They both live relatively near and we do see them when they come to us but almost never ask us over for so much as a cup of tea. I'm trying really hard not to guilt trip them and keep things sweet.

Our best way of regular contact is whatsapp. We have one family group for me, dh, and both ds plus one each for me, ds1 and his gf and another for ds2 and his gf. That helps everyone stay in touch with random stuff as well as more important messages.

Do keep going, many younger people stay pretty selfish for longer than we imagine but get more considerate and interested in their parents a bit later. What works best right now?

menopausehag Mon 15-May-17 22:19:12

NoSquirrels, how would you feel if your MIL did suggest more things or invite you over? I'm always aware of how busy everyone is, and so tend to wait for them to initiate things.

menopausehag Mon 15-May-17 22:28:20

MatildaTheCat I guess I'm doing similar things to you. I can't say I feel I have had much success with trying to get closer to the gfs yet but do keep trying.

ihatethecold Mon 15-May-17 22:30:22

My mil invite us over for Sunday lunch every now and again.
I really appreciate the offer.
It's really nice to go see them.
They only live 30 mins away but life is so busy we don't see them as much as I'd like to.

They are really nice people to spend time with.
I would never be annoyed that they wanted to see us.

NoSquirrels Mon 15-May-17 22:35:20

I'd be happy! My MIL never will, but that's beside the point wink
If she ever does once in a blue moon express a desire to see/do something, I try to make it happen. Usually it's nice, even if it's not my exact cup of tea.

You don't have to be insisting they see you every weekend, or getting the hump if plans are knocked back because they're busy, but just a "I really fancied this film/play/day out/trying this pub" could go a long way. If their GFs are nice people, there's no reason to assume your invites will be knocked back. Give it a go.

NoSquirrels Mon 15-May-17 22:42:43

Also - and I don't know how to say it without seeming rude or making you feel more lonely/bad, but if you wait for a 20-something to contact you, you might be waiting a while. They will pretty much always have something else on! Even if that is just a weekend of Netflix to recover from last weekend... so the trick is to plan something reasonably well in advance but not too encroaching.

Children are programmed to take their parents presence for granted. I am considerably older than your DSs and still fall into that trap.

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