DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?(374 Posts)
Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.
Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'
Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'
We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.
I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!
In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.
It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.
He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.
So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.
I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.
I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.
I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.
I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'
I'm really trying to read it all, but keep getting stuck at "I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!"
where it seems your focus is being left in Majorca on your own rather than his safety.
YANBU. Yes, the restaurant worker asking can be irritating but it's doubtful they would have remembered you from previous nights. Is he like this when he's drinking? I think he has shown his temper enough times to you in the past four years. If you had children, would he be like this with them if they did something that irritated him? Sounds like he would be! What a horrible thing to experience on holiday
OP I can honesty say that you and he are not really compatible imho. You are not confrontational and he doesn't suffer any shit off anyone. I actually quite admire him, he doesn't cause the trouble but he won't put up with any crap either and good for him.
Sorry, but he seems like a real dick, and I think you should count yourself lucky. Dont let him talk you into "trying again".
He sounds like he enjoys "standing up to bullies" because he thinks it legitimizes his own aggression. A reasonable person would just let stuff like this pass.
I hope you dont have children?
From the examples above you sound like his dm. .
where it seems your focus is being left in Majorca on your own rather than his safety.
That isn't how I read it.
I read it that the OP would have had a hell of a time trying to get him medical attention, sorting stuff out with police.
What did have to gain by shooting at a man who is employed to get people into a restaurant, it's the way people do things in foreign lands.
I have no advice as I'm astounded at his rudeness and lack of respect for fellow humans
Well rogan his safety is his own issue if he picks fights with strangers.
OP - go home, I couldn't stay on holiday with him now it will be dreadful. I think you were right based on what you posted here.
He wasn't 'standing up to areseholes' though, shouting at a restaurant tout. That is ust being aggressive for no real reason and escalating stuff when a cheery "no thanks mate" would do.
He doesn't suffer fools and has strong beliefs about it, that part of his character embarrasses you. You don't sound particularly compatible so might be best to part ways.
I think you are being unreasonable. You say yourself the restaurant owner was very pushy. It would massively irritate me if someone was doing that and the person with me kept engaging with them 'to be polite'.
YANBU. There's merit in not allowing yourself to be a mat for everyone else to walk over but you also need to know what is an acceptable reaction and what is being a dickhead.
Unfortunately your DP seemed to stray into the latter category.
I think that came out wrong, what I meant was, if it had turned nasty, what was I going to do?! I.e, I wouldn't have been much help in terms of defence! It's different if you're with a lot of other people (men) who can pitch in if necessary, but I couldn't have helped him.
I guess this is my issue. I get that ignoring idiots isn't always the way to go, but surely you pick your battles?! He doesn't seem to. It's like anytime someone is slightly disrespectful etc, he has to 'deal with it' without doing any sort of 'risk asssessment'
I think, bottom line is, I don't want to be with a 'hero' (and he is to some extent, he's the first person to help anyone in trouble, no matter what's going on and the danger to him, I.e people on the street, car accidents etc. He has done both to these in the 4 years we've been together too, and thank god he had as both instances no one else was willing to step in and help people that needed medical assistance etc) I want to be with someone who doesn't cause drama and fuss, which 99% of the time he is.
I don't want to be afraid to go out with someone, in case they end up in a fight. Not because they're 'chavvy' or overly gobbet etc because he's not, but just because they 'can't walk away when someone is being an arsehole'
'Never question me or it is over'
The only mistake was not dumping him then!
I'd get on a plane without him.
The 'what if I'd been on my own' doesn't make sense anyway because it wouldn't even have happened then. You'd have walked past nodding and smiling. Agree with others though that this won't work. The 'if you ever question me doing this again we're over' threat isn't good. He won't ever accept he's wrong is what that sounds like.
But he clearly didn't expect you to take him at his word about being finished. You were supposed to apologise and give in. Call his bluff and get on a flight home, say you're tired of all the drama.
roganjosh why should she be worried after his welfare if chooses to get in to a fight? He's an adult.
Op he sounds like a twat
He sounds like a total pratt.
I imagine you are expected to fall back into line and tell him he's right and you will be "forgiven"
You cannot possibly want to continue like this - just dump him and move on, let him bully some other poor fucker.
Well you're not compatible and he's ended it. So that's the problem solved. I'd be less than impressed at dh policing my reactions tbh and anyway he's not having it so cut your losses.
You are not compatible on this... I'm more like him tbh and can see his point of view... this doesn't mean you are wrong either, just different ways. Take a breather, you may both feel differently in the morning.
What has the relationship been like recently other than this? Has it all been peachy or has tension been building?
If he reacts like this once a year or so but is otherwise a nice, normal calm person then there is probably more to it than just losing his rag with the restaurant man.
I'm sorry but I'd end it - he looks like he's trying for a fight. Would you want to be compatible with someone who picks fights with strangers and would leave you alone abroad, dumping you on holiday?! He's not reliable and it doesn't seem like he's loving to you. Find a kind man who cares for you Better to write off four years than waste the rest of your life like this (and this is on holiday! It should be easier than this!) I'd be scared to see what he was like under real pressure - would he flip at you? Would he be there for you at 4am with a crying baby? Cut your losses and run
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