To think DH is being too harsh on DD??

[FataliePorkman]

DD1 is 17 today.

Saturday night we agreed she could stay out later than usual as her friend was having a house party- we told her to be home for 2am. Her boyfriend was bringing her home and staying over.

Anyway DH was still sat downstairs at 1am and I told him to come to bed as we needed to trust DD and as she is nearly an adult she needs to start to make her own decisions. He does baby her a lot- but seems to forget that we moved in together at 16 and had our own fun without our parents breathing down out necks and I feel DD deserves the same respect as she is a good kid most of the time.

Anyway DD stumbled in about 2.30. DH started a row with her about being late which woke up me, DD2 and my parents who were over for the weekend to see DD1 for her birthday.

Sent DH back to bed and put DD to bed- asked where her BF was and she told me he had stayed out and she had come home and had got a cab.

Anyway yesterday morning DH parents came over for lunch and we were sat down when the police knocked on the door- DDs boyfriend has stolen a sizable amount of money from the house where the party was and was also found to be in possession of marijuana.

DD is not in trouble- the police came to talk her as the girl didn't know her boyfriend so gave the police her details.

DH is fuming. We were not aware DDs boyfriend smoked pot- but as far as I'm concerned it isn't our business and DD insists she hasn't touched it and I do believe that but doesn't see our concern about the fact he has been driving her around stoned.

We have brought her a car for her birthday which we are collecting on Thursday- we have just paid a deposit and will pay the balance on collection. DH has now said he isn't prepared to contribute towards the car.

Family members and friends have given her a generous amount of money to do an intensive driving course.

DH is pissed off with DD anyway as she has not made an effort to get a part time job and I will admit it annoys me a little too when she is only at college 3 days a week.

AIBU?

[cansu]

He shouldnt use the car as a way of showing his disapproval of the boyfriend. Whether she should get a job to pay her petrol and other expenses is another matter

[Ladyformation]

I may be missing something, but what has she actually done wrong here?

1. come home about half an hour late, a bit drunk on her 17th birthday - yep, not ideal, but hardly a disaster.
   
   
2. not got a job - if this bothers you/DP, stop funding her to the extent where she doesn't feel she needs to. Cars are an expensive hobby.
   
   As far as I can tell she hasn't actually done anything re the theft or the weed and in fact might be furious with her boyfriend about this. Loads of teenagers experiment and I would have been bloody mortified if my boyfriend had put me in that situation. Doesn't mean she did anything wrong or that she wants to have a deep and repenting chat about it.
   
   I don't understand what she's supposed to have done which is bad enough to withdraw the gift of the car?

[BarbarianMum]

Well there are 2 things here. The boyfriend loser - why would you punish her for that? The job - yes that'd piss me off but witholding the car doesn't make sense. Far better to buy the car and expect her to work to contribute to the insurance/running costs

[AntigoneJones]

think your DH needs to separate these issues In his head.

Does he want to withdraw support because her boyfriend has been accused of theft or because she needs to get a job?

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

I would be worried if she was now going to be the bf taxi if he is taking /carrying drugs.

[Tazerface]

Wow. Unless there is a huge backstory I think that is a major overreaction to being 30 minutes late past curfew and her boyfriend being a thief and a pot smoker.

By treating her so badly he's basically saying she's as bad as a criminal in his eyes. Don't push her away.

[Jupitar]

I'd be more concerned about the stealing than the cannabis, he's more likely to end up in prison for stealing than he is for possession. Just because he smokes does not mean he drives when stoned, if he did it frequently enough to be stoned when driving your daughter would be aware of it. Does she ever smell of cannabis?

[ohcomeonnow]

YANBU - he is being way too harsh about the car and the boyfriend - that's not her fault! All you can do is encourage her to ditch him without pushing her away.

It would be sensible for her to get a job though - does she have exams soon?

[ohfourfoxache]

What is it exactly that she is supposed to have done that is so awful?

Sounds like your dh is having trouble accepting that your dd is growing up

[MrsLupo]

I think you need to focus on the fact that, while her boyfriend stayed out stealing money and dealing dope, your DD had the good sense to leave him to it and get herself home, more or less on time, in a taxi. If she'd stayed out in order to stick with him and come home at 6am in a police car, you might have had some cause for complaint. Sounds to me like they parted company after a row and with a bit of luck it'll be the last one they have. It would help if your DH didn't start a bigger one at home, imo.

That said, if I was expecting a 17yo home at 2am, I think I'd stay up too. Just in case. I don't think he was unreasonable to do that.

[Toysaurus]

Finding part time work at the moment is tough. Being flexible is key which can be hard when you are studying.

[Kokusai]

She was 30 mins late. Your DH needs to get the fuck over himself.

Is he her birth father or step dad?

[Topseyt]

I pretty much agree with Barbarianmum.

Perhaps DD was pissed off with her boyfriend, hence the cab home without him when it had originally been planned that he would stay with her (if I understood that correctly). She might need support to ditch him, though of course it really has to be her decision.

I wouldn't withhold the car. She still has to have her lessons and pass her test. That is a fair bit of time in which to press home the message about not becoming the boyfriend's taxi service for when he is off his face.

I share your concern about him driving her around whilst stoned though. I wouldn't be happy with that and would make my feelings clear. I would also say that now that I was aware of his drug habit he would no longer be allowed to stay over, but that is because of his behaviour, not hers.

Beyond that, well she is 18 in a year and you will have no further legal influence apart from setting the rules of behaviour that you will or won't accept in your own home.

[FataliePorkman]

Me and DH have our own business so she could work for us- even if it was only a few hours a week doing basic admin which she is more than capable of doing.

DD insists he isn't dealing or growing- but will buy it for his friends. She has also admitted he has driven her stoned.

I'm pissed off because he didn't even wait to wish DD happy birthday this morning

[Topseyt]

Show her some statistics and research about driving while stoned. She needs to understand the concern there, as it is just as bad, dangerous and irresponsible as drink driving.

[MrsAJ27]

Your DH is being incredibly over the top. As stated by pp your DD hasn't done anything wrong, therefore shouldn't be punished!

I am sure ur DH has been late on the odd occasion.

She does need to a get job though, so that she can learn to be independent. I had a paper round at 12, then got a Saturday job at 14

[kittybiscuits]

Your husband is being a complete dickhead. He seems to be quite invested in blaming your DD for things she isn't responsible for.

[froyotogo]

Your daughter has her head screwed on enough to get a taxi home albeit 30 mins late. I'd be proud she didn't just loiter around or expect picking up. I wander if she thought her boyfriend was too stoned to drive,

Anyway, your husband needs to separate the issues.

Deal with the job later on.
Get over her being kate home.
Establish facts regarding boyfriend who she clearly must now know is not a good person to be hanging around. If it's true he stole the money.

[Fragglez]

DH ibvu.
DD is being 17.

Not allowing the car will not help the job situation. She won't have expenses to moytivate her and she won't have transport to get to her choice of work.

Don't make her work for you - i have worked for my parents twice when a teen / early 20s and it's a sodding nightmare, far too many emotions involved at that age. It will also stop her having normal relationships with colleagues if they see her as 'the boss's daughter'

[carefreeeee]

Why on earth does a 17 y o with no job need their own car bought by their parents? seems bonkers. Doesn't she care about the environment?

The rest of it doesn't sound like her fault and the punishment seems a bit harsh. But the fact that you are buying her a car makes it sounds like she may be a bit over indulged so maybe need to make sure she is taking some responsibility. Does she do her fair share of household chores?

[Allthewaves]

Ok he's harsh but dd doesn't seem responsible enough for a car if she got in a car with her stoned bf. How's she going to pay for upkeep and petrol of the car without a job

[ZilphasHatpin]

Do you think your DH was looking for an excuse to pull out of the car purchase?

[junebirthdaygirl]

Im sure your dh is reacting out of worry and normal fatherly concern. lf she has got into a car with someone who is stoned maybe she is not responsible enough to own a car
Its too late to be talking about a job in connection with the car as already bought but working in the family business is a good idea. I think when drugs police etc come into a situation the stress can cause an over reaction..

[wordlemcfuddle]

Sorry but I agree with your husband. He is making a point and testing her. What else has been going on and what could happen? You say he hasn't smoked it and then he's driven her stoned...?is that the sort of person you want her hanging around with? I know people will say "it's only cannabis" but everyone reacts differently to it and you have no idea how it affects him, someone I know can hardly string two words together after years of (just) cannabis abuse.

Undoubtedly it's really difficult situation, I saw my sister date enough losers like this and react to anything my parents said about it, however you certainly can't reward her in the manner of a car whilst you've got no idea if he will drive it or what it may end up being used for. Talk to her properly about it and find out why she left before him hopefully she was sensible enough to want to get out of there and away from what he was up to.

[SquinkiesRule]

Your Dh is going over the top. She was 30 mins late, she could have been waiting for a taxi for that half hour. Better that then getting in a car with a boyfriend who's high.
My boys had cars at 17, they had to work or didn't have any money for petrol. We provided the car, split the cost of lessons, 50/50 and they paid their own petrol and road tax.
She needs to get some weekend work, summers coming, cafes are hiring around us.