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To not want to organise my own birthday?

(19 Posts)
babyinthacorner Mon 15-May-17 15:48:54

Before I start, I need to say that I'm feeling AWFUL for even having these feelings and slapping myself for being ungrateful and expecting too much. But here goes...

Discussing my upcoming birthday with DH today, he asked if I could sort out childcare for it. I was chuffed that he'd organised a surprise - until it transpired that It's tickets to an event through his work. Which I'd probably be up for at another time, just not on my birthday. And not when I've already had time away from the DC during the same week, therefore relying on my family to babysit AGAIN. I told him I'd have to think about it and apologised for that.

So then he said I should invite my family round on the night instead. But I don't want to organise my own birthday! I'm never normally in the mood for celebrating anyway, so why would I? I'm beating myself up for being ungrateful, but I just don't want to have to organise childcare in order to spend time with his work colleagues doing something I don't really love that much OR organise my own birthday meal at my house. Which I'll inevitably spend the day cleaning in preparation for. I just want to be looked after and not have to think about anything, I guess. AIBU?

Floggingmolly Mon 15-May-17 15:53:03


blackteasplease Mon 15-May-17 15:54:44


blackteasplease Mon 15-May-17 15:55:06

You're not being unreasonable. You should be allowed to do something you want to do on your bday.

Heratnumber7 Mon 15-May-17 15:56:10

YABU. You're a grown up. If you want to celebrate, organise something. If you don't, don't

ActivelyAnxious Mon 15-May-17 15:59:59

I think YANBU. For me, being one half of a couple is about going the extra mile for the other person. Making decisions / organising things is hard work and doing that for you on your birthday is a way for your DH to demonstrate his affection and making you feel valued!

MackerelOfFact Mon 15-May-17 16:00:13

So what DO you want to do? Decide, and tell DH.

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 16:01:06

Yanbu to not want to do either of those things.
What do you want to do? We discuss, then I decide and then tell DH what I want to do.

RhiWrites Mon 15-May-17 16:04:59

Seems clear to me. It sounds as though you'd like a meal out with your husband, maybe a fun show to go to and for him to organise childcare.

YANBU, a birthday should be about fun and celebration, not work events or lots of jobs to do.

MatildaTheCat Mon 15-May-17 16:05:44

So do neither option.

If you are lucky enough to be able to get babysitters via your family why not send an email asking if they can help then tell dh to organise a nice restaurant? And if gifts matter to you make sure he knows what you want.

It's hard to feel a bit unappreciated at birthdays and I get not wanting to do it all or take the easiest option for dh but unfortunately you will probably end up disappointed unless you are a bit proactive. learned through long experience.

2014newme Mon 15-May-17 16:06:20

If you choose your own birthday you get what you want. As you don't like his suggestions surely this is best option

Underthemoonlight Mon 15-May-17 16:07:54

Yabu your an adult it's just a birthday

BadKnee Mon 15-May-17 16:10:46

So he has suggested two things - and event that you would normally enjoy and alternatively that you invite your family round as you had indicated that you weren't keen to leave the DC and get a babysitter. And you don't want to do either. Poor chap. But won't say hwta you do want.

Grown ups organize themselves and don't expect other grown ups to mind read.

Have a good day. Choose what you want to do and get DH to help plan it.

babyinthacorner Mon 15-May-17 16:13:53

I think it's more the fact that he's thinking of things to do and then telling me to sort it out. We've got a very challenging 5 year old and a 4 month old and I've not been too well recently so that may be why I'm desperate to just sit back and have things done for me for once.

I took him for a surprise weekend away for his birthday. He's said he's sorry he can't do that for me and I understand that - it's not what I'm expecting from him. I think Active has it.

Inertia Mon 15-May-17 16:21:13

Yanbu. He's asking you to forgo your birthday so that you can organise childcare for his works event that he wants to go to.

If you're having to do the organising, organise something you actually want to do.

Floggingmolly Mon 15-May-17 16:25:46

He's asking no such thing, Inertia

user1493759849 Mon 15-May-17 16:34:37

Puts me in mind of my last birthday... my family (who I love btw, and meant well,) said 'we will come to yours for your birthday, and we can go out for lunch - or you can put a little spread on if you want... ' They said they'd all come at 10.30-11.15 am-ish, and we could have a chat, then have lunch, play games, go for a walk, have fun, watch me open my pressies and so on..............

Not for one second did anyone think I may have wanted to lie in til midday, have a bowl of honey nut loops, watch a film for a couple of hours, (whilst munching on doritos and diet coke,) go for a walk by the canal, and then order in a Chinese takeaway for evening meal, whilst spending the day in my scruffy clothes.

No chance of that. I had to get up at 9am and get showered and dressed, then prepare snacks and munchies, and wait for them to turn up, then smile and laugh and make conversation with 10 people for 8 hours.

Next birthday I think I might say I am going away, and offer to meet them 2 days before for lunch and stay an hour or so...

And dear GOD I hope no-one ever arranges a surprise party for me.

Sorry I know I sound ungrateful and some people would be glad for the attention etc, but I would just rather it was me and DH on the actual day of my birthday... It's not very relaxing or enjoyable, and certainly no fun for me, when I have nearly a dozen people in the house for the whole day.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Mon 15-May-17 16:41:19

I think YAB a bit U

If you aren't prepared to leave the DC with a baby sitter then realistically what can your DH arrange that is likely to be fun and relaxing?

You can't have it both ways

Primaryteach87 Mon 15-May-17 16:45:57

Maybe DH needs more specific guidance. Have you tired saying "I want you to book a fancy hotel and restaurant for my birthday. I want you to plan it all and it be romantic" or whatever the equivalent thing you would like is? My DH is great when given instructions! For some reason I was preprogrammed not to do this and has taken me nearly 15 years to start doing it!

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