Just need to let it out, I dont enjoy being a mum :(

[31weeksgone]

Aibu?

Bit of backstory. Have a toddler, 18 months or so. She's gorgeous. We live somewhere with no garden up a flight of stairs, so it's a struggle getting in/out up/down a flight of stairs with pushchair and baby bags and toddler and the bloody sink etc..

partner works away quite a lot, so I'm here a lot of the time on my own, and I don't have any friends or family in the area, and I find it hard to make any because I fear they'll want to come back here and I'm so ashamed of this house. Been trying to get partner to move for months if not years but no luck.

So when it's a rainy day like today, we're stuck inside this bloody tiny house, only the living room to play in. Can't ever have water play or messy play as all carpet and old type furniture. Unless I go to the park everyday she hasn't got anywhere to run around, but she's SUCH an active child. We've had to stop some baby classes because she won't sit still and join in, she just runs riot.

The lovely mums at a toddler group we go to last Tuesday made sure I sat down and told me to rest because she's "such a busy baby" and she never stops, I'm honestly exhausted

She sleeps well at night, is a delightful child really but I'm finding this situation exhausting. It's the calling her name constantly saying come back, back into this tiny living room. Im not even sure if it's being a mum I don't enjoy, or if I'd enjoy it living somewhere else.

I feel like I'm stunting her development by cramping her in a tiny house when we're at home, putting the tv on to keep her still in 1 place for 10 minutes, or not having little friends of hers round. I don't know. I just needed somewhere to write this all down, I take her out daily to the park or baby group most days, but when it rains like today I'm just at a loss as what to do. Feel so bad for her

I sometimes feel I'd be happier just at work, or sometimes just want an hour to myself to read Facebook or just have a cup of tea. I think I'm all babied out, after 18 months with no time away from her except some driving lessons maybe that would help?

Sorry for the pity party, like I said, just needed to confess the awful fact that I'm not enjoying motherhood at the moment and I feel such awful guilt for that

[FairyDogMother11]

I don't really have any advice but you're not unreasonable! It sounds like things are really tough for you and you're beating yourself up a lot. It sounds like you're a fantastic mum, I hope someone can come along and help more than I can

[Supersoaryflappypigeon]

You're not alone. DD is 13 months and very active, we live in a tiny house too and I'm exhausted. I feel like I need a day off. It's hard work. Yanbu.

[Jiggaminny]

Can you put her in nursery for a few hours a day? I can totally relate to a lot of what you are saying btw. I'm a single mum with a 2.5 year old, also living in a flat with no garden and stuck inside today. She goes to nursery 3 hours a day so that sort of relieves the mum-guilt a bit, knowing that she's socialising and doing something fun. Hugs to you though it's a really tough job being a mum!

[CuppaSarah]

You need a splash suit, stick her in it and drag her out in the rain. DS is 18 months old too, he never bloody stops. It's exhausting. I wouldn't be embarased about the size of your house though, no one else will be worried and if they are they're a bit of a twat really.

18 months is such a tough age, they're too big for baby groups but not big enough for preschooler stuff. They need constant stimulation, but have a short attention span. They need loads of affection, but have to do it themselves. I'm hoping difficult 18 month old means we skip the terrible's. I can dream!

[cautiousoptimist1]

YANBU

Firstly it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job. I don't want to belittle your feelings in any way but it also doesn't come across that you're not enjoying motherhood - you sound a little lonely and annoyed with your housing situation.

Baby groups are good if you're enjoying them. I go to all the ones in my village and make sure to embrace newcomers but it's also fine if it's not for you. If you're enjoying them but frightened to join in more because of the fear of inviting people home then please don't. There is no expectation of this. I invite people to my house because I'm happy to do so and would hate for people to be sitting in their houses lonely when I'm so local to them and can at least offer a change of scenery. Driving and parking somewhere new stresses me out so I'd feel stressed if I were invited somewhere else so we all have our own foibles.

If you'd rather be at work then that's also fine so is returning to work an option?

Look after yourself too. I have a very active little one too and it's exhausting (but mine is only 11 months and super clingy!) so take what help is offered, even if it's only a change of scenery for a hot cup of tea!

[Starduke]

We're in a flat too. With 2 highly energetic boys. We go out every morning and afternoon (run in the park, long walk to the shops, bus to a different park, scooter round the roads,...) whatever the weather.

It is frankly horrible sometimes to be standing outside in the pouring rain watching the boys jumping up and down in puddles, then falling over and getting covered in mud from head to toes, but it is far preferable to keeping them in the flat and trying to stop them running around (our neighbour complains).

Swimming is great for getting out the house and wearing them out.

Bathtime is also good (we do it when we get home and before tea as it just over excites them).

Do you have to keep taking the pushchair? We ditched it aged 18 months with each boy. Yes it means walking anywhere takes up more time, but at the same time it wears them out and uses up time so you're out longer and less in the flat.

[31weeksgone]

Thank you everyone, I didn't expect to get any responses let alone such lovely ones

The irony is that our house is bloody huge, it's just my partner is such a hoarder, rooms are just taken up with such crap you literally can't get in them. It's a real problem and I wish he would change. Our living room is lovely though, so thats the only positive, perhaps I could focus on that and get past inviting people over.

I have a rain suit, there's just nowhere to go because no garden to play in, but perhaps we can just walk to the park in the rain and play there? I feel so silly, never even considered it.

I'm supposed to be passing my driving test soon, as soon as that's done at least I will have the freedom to take her more places, I keep telling myself it'll get better then because we can drive to soft play etc.

I don't think we could afford nursery for her whilst I'm off of work, but maybe I could have a look into it. I might need to for my sanity.

Thank you everyone for being so nice, toddlers are exhausting. I'm glad it's not just me having a shitty day sometimes

[MrsMarigold]

It's tough, if I'm honest I'm not a natural mother and I hated it when my DC were small (It's very tedious and tiring in the early years) but it does get better. Now they are older they are good company.

[SleepyHeadThisTime]

If you think you'd benefit from some adult company away from children could you look for a job and put her in nursery while you work? Even if you only break even it sounds like you're mental wellbeing would benefit and she would be participating in activities it sounds like you struggle with at home (messy play etc).

Also can you sit down with your dp and have a frank conversation about your home?

[MrsMarigold]

Driving test will help it changed my life.

[31weeksgone]

I'm looking forward to driving, and then we'll at least be able to get out to swimming or parks or soft play further away, there's nothing to do but the park in our town or pay for activities that she won't sit still for. I'm so sad I've just made an appointment with our health visitor to see if it's post natal depression or she can say to my partner it's not a suitable house to live in. We shall see where it goes from there

[CuppaSarah]

Splash suit on and just walk around, puddles with rain drops are infinetly fascinating to toddlers. It's quite calming and exhuasting at the same time, I used it a lot when DD was this age. If the lounge is looking good you're fine inviting people! But it's worth talking to dp about getting the hoarding under control now DD is so inquisitive and active.

[CuppaSarah]

Just seen your latest post, it was around 15 months in that i finally got help for my PND with DD. Getting diagnosed and onto antidepressants was an amazing change. Talking to the HV is a really good plan, asking for help is the worst with if you suspect PND, it starts getting easier once you reach that point.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I had one of these and 18 months was the hardest. I used to be on the beach with her in December. Me, her and 27,000 dogs. Because she needed to be run like a puppy. It was very hard.

Now, at 6, she's a delight and it's much easier.

Your partner needs help to deal with the hoarding. It's a proper mental health condition and you can't live like this. Your health visitor may be able to help. I'm not in the UK but Fire Departments here also have hoarding task forces.

[MoominFlaps]

Totally in the same boat as you, madly active 14 mo and live in two bedroom carpeted flat on the first floor. It's a huge PITA, and my DS is in nursery 3 days a week while I work from home so I get a much better break than you (plus my DP doesn't work away).

No advice but for you, it's really hard.

[ElspethFlashman]

I gather it's not actually your house?

[Dragongirl10]

Hi op,

It sounds like the problem is actually your DP and the state of your home, these things are easier to ignore when out at work all day..
...when home with a very active toddler it is difficult to have a disorganised home.

Can you persist in making him clear some rooms, or allow you to do it? freecycle is fab for getting rid of things fast.

Being able to drive will make your days massively better and with (hopefully) summer here you can take your dc out to different places easily and wear him/her out!


It may seem like you hate this stage but fast forward a few short years and you may miss this stage...

[thatorchidmoment]

I think a huge part of the problem is the clutter in your house. Which is not actually your problem; it's your partner's. The health visitor might be of some use here as an independent party to tell him it's not a good environment to have a young child living in as it is impacting hugely on your life.

What exactly is he hoarding? Has this always been an issue? Would he consider decluttering and getting rid of his junk, or clearing it all out to a hired storage unit? I know my DH found it helpful a kick up the backside when I bought the Marie Kondo book 'the life changing magic of tidying', as it gave him 'permission' to let go of anything we didn't use or love. He had been brought up not to waste anything or throw things away, but he has changed a lot for the better.

On rainy days, before I could drive, I would often take my DD in the buggy on the bus to the library and a coffee shop. There are always toys in the kids bit of the library! She would often fall asleep so I could read in the coffee shop and have some peace.

I also found toddler groups and messy play groups at the local community centre were great. It can be pretty isolating as a mother of a young child, particularly if you feel uncomfortable inviting people over to your house.

[31weeksgone]

I know I will miss this stage, and that makes me so sad and angry at DP for subjecting us to living like this, no I don't own this house. I met DP and he had already bought it and nearly paid it off, so I just moved in with him. I know it's a stupid position to be in though, because now our joint money is paying the last bits of his mortgage and I don't have a claim to it.

He is an actual hoarder, or so I think. It's a very clean house as such because I run around tidying all day too, but it's so cluttered. Apart from the living room, our bedroom and daughters bedroom the rest is pretty jam packed. Upstairs bathroom and our dining room literally full carpet to ceiling with stuff, can't open the doors. He thinks that I'm too tidy and it's ok to live like this, if I suggest getting rid of anything he'll put it off or say it'll come in useful one day. It took 7 months of my pregnancy to clear out my daughters room. The MiL is exactly the same and tells him it's me controlling him etc, that's why he's like it I suspect because he grew up like this. I certainly don't want my daughter growing up like this, that's why I'm tackling it now.

That's basically why I'm going to talk to the HV, I've honestly had enough of finding it this difficult, and perhaps because she is a "medical person" even though I was a nurse he will believe her or maybe make some differences. I don't think I have got PND, but being this sad maybe I do.

So glad to hear it gets easier for some, that's so encouraging if I could run her up and down on the beach to get out some energy I would

for anyone else finding this stage hard

[MrsTerryPratchett]

There is a strong genetic link in hoarding. Seems to run through families and this is not all down to upbringing.

See these clutter rating pictures. They are designed to help rate how bad hoarding is. It sounds like several rooms in your house are a 9+ Above a 4 needs help.

[MessyBun247]

Def get your partner to sort the clutter!

12-18 months is a very tiring time as they have no attention span and are so physically active. But it sounds like it is the house that is the problem, not your DC.

How is your relationship with your partner generally? Are you happy?

[31weeksgone]

Thank you for those. Our bedroom/her bedroom/vital living areas are normal, perhaps a 1. But the areas I leave and don't touch as we don't "need" e.g. The spare room/upstairs toilet/dining room are without a doubt a 9 or more on that scale. I'm going to save this guide and talk it through with the HV. I really think he needs some professional help, I fear he'll say because some of our house isn't like that though it doesn't count.

[31weeksgone]

I'm not happy with him at all, some days I want to leave but have nowhere to go, but I don't want her brought up here with no friends and constantly being put back in the same room 100 times a day. I've tired talking to him gently/crying/shouting/being understanding and he just says he'll get round to it another day or it's normal and I'm over reacting. It's been 4 years of living like this now. I told him on new year that if we hadn't moved by next year I was leaving so that's it. I'm giving it until the end of the year, and then I'm leaving him and this house. I can't run around after my daughter like this anymore here and be this sad and frustrated. Sorry for such a negative thread, I sound so confusing

[Belindarocks]

You could look for pre schools rather than nurseries. The ones around here are just open a few hours a day and in church halls. They don't cost much for a 3 hour session, but give you a break.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Not at all. I 'deadlined' my ex-husband (different issues) and ended up ending it earlier than the deadline. I realised he wasn't changing and I wasn't happy and probably wouldn't forgive him if he did. Too much water under the bridge. I just didn't love him any more.

He won't just change though. He needs professional help. Hoarding disorder is in the DSM now.