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to cut ties with this woman

(115 Posts)
bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 09:53:24

In one of my group of friends, there's one woman called C. I used to be friends with her but she became judgmental, overly critical and can be quite controlling so i backed off. She's one of those people who think anyone who does things differently to her is wrong.
I have another friend called A in the same group. She's a really good friend. She also backed away from C due to her being critical but is now friends with her again. This is fine.
We all go out for drinks plus a few others. If C is in a good mood I have a nice evening.
She usually gets in one sarcastic comment e.g. i didn't have the right change for the whip so telling me i've only just arrived and i'm already being annoying and then laughing at me. I do get annoyed, and try to avoid her if she starts like this.
Her DH and my DH have also become friends over last few years but they go out separately. They met through us.
A while ago, we were out. As soon as she came in she was being sarcastic towards me. I have child who's been in and out of hospital, having invasive tests, and has been diagnosed with ulcers in gastro tract. She also has child with allergies but is diet controlled and never had tests. I brought up the subject and she rolled her eyes about and said sarcastically and loudly "oh right! we're going to start talking about THAT again!" I was pretty taken aback and hurt. Yes i do talk about it a lot but it's such a huge thing in my life that it's all i think about and was just looking for some support.

Later on i (stupidly) mentioned that DC was now on gluten free diet and she condescendingly said "i bet you wished you 'd put him on a gluten free diet when i told you to!!" I got pretty pissed off and told her that she's not a medical professional and that I only follow the advice of my childs medical team.
She then continued with her sarcasm throughout the evening, including having a dig about a couple and specifying their race and nodding toward me (same race me).
Also criticised my use of facebook and asked why i anyone needed to know what i'd put on facebook. I've now stopped putting anything on there.
She indicated that she was not happy that her DH was going out with my DH the week after (i'd bought tickets for something for DH's birthday) so according to her DH she decided to plan something on the same day (at the last minute) so he would have come back early to look after kids. Her DH told my DH she does this kind of thing all the time as it seems she doesn't like him going out.

I suspect the whole reason for her evening of vitriol was because she was not happy that i had organised a day out for her DH/my DH as a birthday present, despite me getting her permission months on advance. The only reason i asked her DH is because she had bought tickets for her DH for his birthday previously, and he took my DH to it. So i was trying to be fair and return a trip out.

I've not wanted to go out with this group again because of C. So i've avoided it, but friend A, who admits she was out of order but think's i'm overreacting, just wont let it go and wants me to go out with the group. So after alot of pestering, I went out with them, but i decided to speak as little as possible to avoid C sarcasm. C still managed to get very small dig in even though i said very little. It was very obvious that i didn't want to be there.
I really think it's time for me to say to A that i'm not going out with them ? I just think sometimes that you have to accept that you dont get on with someone. AIBU ? I can still see A on her own.

ilovegin112 Mon 15-May-17 10:02:16

Life is to short to waste time on people like that, yanbu

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 10:05:21

thanks ilovegin. exactly my sentiments.

HildaOg Mon 15-May-17 10:08:51

Don't waste another second of your life with her. She's a cunt.

PringlesInTheFlySpace Mon 15-May-17 10:09:05

C sounds like a dick. YANBU to not want to spend time with someone like that.

icelollycraving Mon 15-May-17 10:09:41

Life is precious. That is two minutes I won't get back. I'm being flippant but cut her off,she brings nothing positive to your life.
Don't give it more headspace. This could be why I don't really do many rl friendships,it all sounds exhausting.

Velvetbee Mon 15-May-17 10:10:41

Of course cut ties, life's too short for that shit. I've found that one of the joys of getting older is being able to set boundaries without guilt. Think of the relief!

user94567433 Mon 15-May-17 10:14:05

She sounds horrendous. A real nasty piece of work. Use the time you are currently wasting on the likes of her to find a real friend.

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 10:17:02

Thanks all. Sometimes she is really nice and pretends to care which is why i struggle with this. Freind A thinks i'm being to sensitive.

babayjane67 Mon 15-May-17 10:20:03

I'm having the same trouble with my ' best' friend I've known since childhood!
She's not as bad as yrs but can be quite sarcastic at times.I rarely hear from her unless I initiate it.she never wants to come here(always has an excuse not to come when I invite her to things here) or do things with me this end it always has to be at hers!

Fruitcorner123 Mon 15-May-17 10:22:15

You are not being sensitive she sounds awful so cut ties. Good friends will still meet up with you without her.

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 10:23:10

babayjane that must be really be difficult for you if she's your best friend. Time to find a new best friend.

I'm quite happy to not see C again. It's just that A is very insistent that I have to come out with them. I just want them to go out without me and i'll see A on her own another time.

sonjadog Mon 15-May-17 10:25:39

I would avoid her in future. Life is really too short to waste energy and time on people like this.

sonjadog Mon 15-May-17 10:26:46

Why is A being so insistent? Tell her you've made up your mind and to get it drop.

RebootYourEngine Mon 15-May-17 10:26:51

How many of you are there in the group?

Have you ever called her out on her behaviour?

She sounds like an unhappy jealous bitch. She doesnt like her dh socialising, so what, he isnt her property.

user94567433 Mon 15-May-17 10:28:01

Maybe A doesn't want to be alone with awful friend. If you are out of the picture, awful friend might start on A. Still, you have perfectly valid reasons not to want to go along anymore.

If necessary, you may have to lose A's friendship over this too, but if she insists you be there even though she knows you will be treated like shit by awful friend, then maybe she's not such a good friend either?

ElspethFlashman Mon 15-May-17 10:31:34

A wants you there as a buffer.

Well bad luck A! She'll have to decide whether she can stomach C on her own or not. She's a grown up.

ElspethFlashman Mon 15-May-17 10:32:28

A wants you there as a buffer.

Well bad luck A! She'll have to decide whether she can stomach C on her own or not. She's a grown up.

Rainbowshine Mon 15-May-17 10:33:10

"You're too sensitive " is a bullshit excuse bullies use to minimise and normalise their crappy behaviour. Your time is yours to decide and choose who to spend it with. YANBU to avoid gatherings that C is going to, even if A would like you to. It's not A's entitlement to dictate to you that you "have" to go.

Oldraver Mon 15-May-17 10:34:22

I think A is insistant you come out as you are the designated punch bag.

She knows what a bitch she is, and is afraid someone else would be the centre of her bitchiness if you were not there.

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 10:36:35

I don't know why A is being so insistent. We used to meet up for drinks just the two of us but then she felt guilty for not inviting the others and eventually invited them. I also think A likes the group aspect but likes me to be there as backup. I have no problem with that as long as we all get along. I just can't stand this, one minute C is nice/normal, the next she's horrible. I never know which C i'm going to be subjected to.

If we go out only about between 4 to 6 of us on night out so tricky to avoid C. I don't want to be a bitch, and I am on the verge of being one cos i avoided speaking to her (because of last time vitriol). Surely it's better if i just don't go. I am ok with that.

I haven't pulled her up on it. I did get verbal last time and retaliate but not about her general attitude.
If she said anything really bad this time I was going to say to "if you haven't got anything nice to say to me, say nothing." It didn't get that far cos i said so little that she had very little to pick on, and she was trying to be a bit nice to me as i think she could see something was up.

babayjane67 Mon 15-May-17 10:39:53

Yes it is bungle.I am seriously re thinking things!trouble is as well as bit like u,she is also connected to my grown up kids& another mutual friend& I have a feeling that if I cut ties with her it's gonna cause huge waves with them too!

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 10:41:06

I get what you are all saying.

I think A is alot more thick skinned than me. C has said some insensitive things to A but A bats it off.

A thinks C has ASD. A and I both have DC with ASD. I think C may have ASD aswell, but i have other friends who have ASD who are nice to me so not prepared to let it go on that basis.

newnameoldme Mon 15-May-17 10:43:05

she's a frenemy, she will never change you can only reduce your interaction with her and keep your thoughts to yourself let other people work her out.

bungle99 Mon 15-May-17 10:44:44

babayjane67 that is really difficult.
If it is only you making the effort can you just let things fizzle out by you not making the effort ? Although i appreciate having mutual friends makes things much more tricky.

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