cope with losing my looks

[flailingego543]

I'm turning 35. I have always been thin until recently. I am having a hard time trying to lose the weight. I think about food all the time. Today, I went to church. I saw women dressed beautifully (as I used to) with thin frames and yet also several children. So together. Classy. How do they manage to do it? I'm losing my looks...mostly in my weight as I haven't yet gotten wrinkles or grey hair. In my teens I was very thin and clumsy. In my twenties I became pretty. After children, my weight shot up.

[GeillisTheWitch]

If you're carrying a bit of extra weight you'll stay wrinkle free longer. Its totally still possible to be a bit overweight and still dress classy and stylishly, maybe see if your local department store does personal shopping to give you some ideas?

[wordlemcfuddle]

I feel your pain. Snap.

[Wando1986]

Drink more water, eat less dodgy carbs. Science yo.

[outabout]

At the risk of getting 'shouted at' it's called getting older. It happens to everyone so get used to it.
A smiling face and cheery demeanor is infinitely better than one complaining about 'skin tone'.

[robinia]

At 35 you haven't lost your looks. Heck, I'm over 50 and I don't think I've lost my looks yet!
But it's easy to get down or in a rut.
What worked for me was working out what kind of clothes suited me - drawing attention away from the worst bits - and wearing a bit of make up.

[EllaElla]

This has happened in my church and really caused some problems with an 'us and them' culture, which we resolved- a few suggestions!!

1. Stop focusing on other women & comparing. They definitely have struggles you won't know about. No one is perfect! Not one of them. Don't assume!
   
2. Run your own race. Focus on the blessings you have and the unique things you bring.
   
3. 35 is still very young; if outward appearance is important to you, you still have plenty of time.
   
4. Cultivate relationships with a variety of types of people- including the ones you're putting on a pedestal! You have something to bring.
   
5. Focus on spiritual and emotional maturity.
   
6. Dry shampoo! Good tinted moisturiser! Good mascara. Easy and fast. Find a style/colour range that suits you and buy around that style. Ignore fads.
   
7. Highly recommend If you have the opportunity to go away with your church on a retreat or camping type faith week, do it. You'll build relationships and also see these women parenting for a week which will destroy the illusion. This was hugely useful for resolving issues in our church!
   

[notangelinajolie]

Sorry you are loosing your looks. It must be hard for you to see women looking the way you used to look. Unlike you I've always been fat and I never had any looks to lose in the first place so getting old makes no difference to me.

[Buildmeupbuttercup89]

No wrinkles on a balloon op

[Fruitcorner123]

Are you actually overweight or has your shape just changed? There's a difference in the advice i would offer depending on which.

If you are overweight then address this with a change in diet. Don't compare yourself to other women and dress as sophisticatedly as you would like. Bigger women can look amazing too you don't have to wait until you are a size 10 again ( or whatever size) to dress smartly!

If your shape has changed but you are not overweight it may be that you need to rethink your wardrobe because what used to suit you doesn't anymore.

These women who you think look amazing may think the same about you or may feel negative about themselves.You may look better now than you did before to some people. The point really is that you've lost your confidence and if you are not actually overweight you need to address that through counselling or talking it through with friends etc. Not through losing weight.

[lucydogz]

I sympathise (speaking as someone even further along the line, at 59). I do find my appearance varies incredibly depending on how I'm feeling and how well I've been eating (not as in losing weight, but just being healthy).
But, I am a happier person than I was when I was younger, much more at ease with myself. I see aging as the great democracy of being human. Everybody has to go through it, you might as well concentrate on living well and accumilating happy memories than worrying about how you look.

[scoobydoo1971]

I have polycystic ovaries. At my worst, I was 95kg and obese. Now at 45, and 4 pregnancies later...2 successful...I am 54kg and I look anorexic as I am tall so approaching underweight BMI. I have had fillers because my face looks like a bag of bones and I hate people saying how 'haggard' I look. I have an underlying illness causing this (hypermetabolism due to tumours) and face major surgery in a few weeks to sort it out...but I just wanted to say don't fixate on being thin as you age (not that 35 is any age!!!). Thin people look older.

What cheered me up lately was an amazing haircut. Not a hairdresser who does their thing despite what you say...a recommended stylist who is talented and trained in the latest trends. She has knocked a few years off skeletor...maybe it is time for a treat for yourself?

[blerp]

We'd all still bang you OP!

[starsinspring]

I'm also 35 and I noticed my looks decline this year. Hard to explain but I have lost my natural bloom.

[maz210]

I'm sorry I don't have an answer, but I can explain why I don't feel bothered about losing my looks if that's any help.

I got my first grey hair at 23, and whilst I made the obligatory objections I never really "felt" that feeling if you know what I mean? The same with noticing my first wrinkles, I felt like I should be more devastated than I actually was. As the grey hairs overtook me in my late twenties I used to dye my hair, but more out of fitting in with social expectations rather than because I wanted to.

I had a revelation about make up at around 20 when I realised that if I hadn't had time to put make up on in the morning I spent all day thinking how terrible I looked every time I passed a mirror. Then I looked at myself objectively and realised that, actually I was 20, in the prime of life and blessed with reasonable looks. Instead of making myself feel better by wearing make up I was just making myself feel worse about how I looked naturally.

When I had my children I never felt particularly bad about my post-birth body, and I'm not exaggerating when I say my body is wrecked I'm covered in the worst stretch marks imaginable with a belly overhang that only surgery could fix. I always felt when I looked in the mirror at my stomach that they were my reminder of bringing my babies into the world and therefore something to be proud of.

If ever I have a moment of doubt I just remember how I feel when I look at my husband's wrinkles and realise they weren't there ten years ago. I can't explain the logic behind the feeling but I just want to kiss them.

I think what's helped over the years is that my husband has very similar views to myself and doesn't place much value on physical attractiveness.

There is also a reason that this feeling has been cemented over recent years and that is that I've been disabled through back problems for the last four years. I can't walk without a stick and I'm well aware that this is the first thing anyone will ever notice about me, and the thing that will stay in their minds afterwards. In a way, I've got a get out of jail free card as far as looks go, I'll always be "the lady with the walking stick/mobility scooter" and after that physical characteristic nothing else really seems to matter.

I think that all signs of ageing are best embraced. You can't change them without a great deal of effort and even if you try to fight it one day we'll all be incontinent old prunes in a nursing home together

I'm 37 in case you were wondering. I definitely look much older though!

[maz210]

Apologies, I got carried away then and didn't realise how much I'd typed. Feel free to skip my post

[Italiangreyhound]

flailingego543, please find a way to make peace with aging. It is not easy but can be done. Be as beautiful as you for your age and try not to compare yourself too much with your younger self. Because really it is madness to expect you can be eternally youthful.

Beauty and age change, find a way to love your outside. It will make eating less easier in the long run. Because I think part of over eating can be emotional, and if you are in a bad place this can make eating ore, easier. Too easy.

Do not plan to lose weight and then love your outer appearance and yourself more. *Instead, plan to love your outer appearance and yourself more; and maybe you will find you do lose weight.

Good luck.

(PS nice clothes help, colours and styles that suit you, and your size and age, but do not get too caught up in it, because ultimately it doesn't make you happy, IMHO to get too worried about it, but a little bit is fine, you are worth so much more. XX)

[troodiedoo]

I'm 37 and feel the same. I used to scoff at the frumpy women on gok wan and think how can they of let themselves go like that and have such little self confidence. Now I am one of them. Youth is wasted on the young as they say.

On a practical level, work with what you've got. You've got family and friends that love you and don't give a shit how you look.

[PinkCrystal]

Good post Maz10.

I have accepted getting older. I have found wisdom in my late 30s. Am happier overall. Care less what people think. Can see through media crap about how we should look. There is beauty in the ordinary. Ben a bit fat or sagging face etc doesn't matter if you are a nice person.

[AbernathysFringe]

36 and feel the same. Never realised how much I took it for granted being young and turning heads. Even about 4/5 years ago. I still haven't got to grips with what to wear. Keep wearing the same clothes then seeing photos and being horrified! And where the fuck are my hip bones?
But it's funny, it's made me much more sensible about dating. I'm not going to leap into bed with anyone I'm not in love with. I feel like I'm operating on a deeper level with people and they are seeing my personality more, not just my outside.
I'm still quite shocked about the cellulite though. That's an absolute bitch.
Hair and make up and getting enough sleep, outdoors time and water make a difference to me. But it IS hard. I've got a step-mother who's gone crazy on the plastic surgery and I know I'd never do that.

[Nettletheelf]

But you haven't lost your looks, OP. You just put on a few pounds!

You're only 35. I looked better than I ever looked in my life in my thirties. I still had people (postmen mostly, never worked out why) stopping me on the street to tell me I was gorgeous when I was 39 but I think that was more about confidence, wearing great clothes and decent make up and looking after myself well with good diet and exercise than having missed my vocation as a Victoria's Secret angel.

I am now 45 and have started descending the slippery slope, but what the hell! I had a good run of being hot! You've got years left. Don't write yourself off yet.

[TheSnorkMaidenReturns]

If you are struggling about the more attractive women at church I'm wondering about your reasons for going to church. You talk about 'thin frames' and 'classy' dressing.

You are 35, not 21. If there is something physically wrong, causing you to look worse than you should, look at this - there are plenty of ideas up thread.

Start looking after your skin, lots of water, decent sleep, sunglasses, skin care.

[fernanie]

OP, I'm in my mid-30s and by most people's standards have also started losing my looks. I've got grey hairs, a few wrinkles starting around my eyes, and an unshiftable muffin top. But honestly I've never had a better relationship with my body. I look forward to seeing what the next decades bring and how those next chapters make their mark on my body - it's all part of the story isn't it?! One thing that helps me gain perspective is that I lost a close friend to cancer in our teens and whenever I get the odd twinge of envy over some lithe 20-something I think of her and remember what a privilege it is to get old. Some people never get to see their first grey hairs or wrinkles - embrace the fact that you do!

[elephantscansing]

What sort of church do you go to, op?? Surely appearance is very low down on God's list of things to worry about?

[yellowox]

I'm 24 and feel I've lost my looks already I'm fat and spotty trying to lose weight but it's taking time

[pandarific]

My mum is pushing 60 and have recently had 3 separate people tell me their dh's quite fancy her. Alart from this being a bit weird I feel there is a lesson to be learned here. She looks young'er' than her age, but not 'young' iyswim.

What I'm trying to say (badly) is that she cuts a dash - she's not a slim lady, but she looks great because she wears what she loves and looks a million bucks in it because it's just her style and suits her briliantly.

Be your best self and wear what you love and you will look great.