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AIBU?

...to think my mother has just NCd me?

166 replies

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:28

DM and I have always been close, I live 5 mins away with my DH and Cs and we always spend a lot of time together. She often comes round for tea, collects kids after school sometimes, always popping in and out of each other's homes. DH is often summoned round to do DIY jobs and that's all fine and tikkety-boo.

In the last two weeks I've barely heard from her at all. She had some friends to stay for the weekend two weeks ago and since then it's almost as if she doesn't want to spend time with us anymore. She was going to come round for tea on Weds (a weekly thing) but she texted shortly before to say she'd "rather not anymore". She was also going to come round this afternoon but hasn't returned any calls or texts until just now when she has texted to say she "won't be coming round".

This is all highly unusual and out of character and the kids are most anxious and upset that she won't be here. They've been looking forward all week to seeing her especially as they didn't get a chance when her friends came to stay or on Weds when she would usually have been round.

I know this sounds absurd but it almost feels like her friends have told her to get a life apart from us. She's moving house in a few weeks time but only 10 mins further away. Maybe she's moving away in her mind too.

She won't respond to any messages or pick up the phone when I call. She's not in when I go and pop round. It's like all of a sudden something has happened to make her not want to spend time with us. She's not met someone, that I do know.

As this is so out of character, AIBU to be concerned for her health/welfare or does it seem that she just wants less to do with us? I can't think of anything that we might have said or done to have offended her and as she's not talking to me I can't really find that out.

She's 70 next year and has spoken previously of her concerns about "getting old and incapable" and "staying sane". She's an otherwise very independent single and strong-minded woman.

AIBU to be concerned or is this just a declaration of independence from her family???

OP posts:

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SheSaidHeSaid · 14/05/2017 19:34

In one of your messages to her have you told her how you feel and asked if you've done anything wrong?

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 19:34

Yes i think you are right to be concerned as it is so out of character. I would either send her a text/email or letter explaining that you are confused and wonder if something has upset her but that you understand if she wants to spend less time with you, you would just like to know and also like to arrange when you next will see her even if it wont be for a week or two.

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:37

Yep I have and I've also asked about her health and how she's feeling, and really tried not to be patronising or anything. Genuinely puzzled as its come out of the blue and it's not like her at all. Worried in case something's been brewing for a while and I've missed all the signs.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 14/05/2017 19:37

I also think you need to ask her why she is behaving like this.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 19:38

What was her reply?

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:38

Haven't had one.

OP posts:

claritytobeclear · 14/05/2017 19:40

Do you know anything about these friends of hers?

Do you have any siblings / other relations / acquaintances in common that could contact her and maybe find out more?

Does she use any social media that you could check or go to any clubs or a church where you could track her down?

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:40

I'm worried that maybe she's had some terrible diagnosis of something recently and she doesn't know how to broach it with us. But this of course all wild speculation.

OP posts:

Allabitmuchisntit · 14/05/2017 19:40

Can you think of anything that you may have inadvertently done to upset her? However small? No disagreements in the last few weeks or anything like that?

KC225 · 14/05/2017 19:40

Give her a break. She has had friends over to stay and she is moving in a couple of weeks yet you are bombarding her with texts and calls. Back off, stop texting, stop calling. She'll call you when she is ready.

Perhaps her friends have questioned the frequency of your meet ups which I think is fine if you are both (plus husband) fine with it. Maybe when she does call, let her know it's okay. What is your social circle like?

pudcat · 14/05/2017 19:41

Is there anyone else you can ask as to what may be causing this? An aunty, a close friend perhaps. Do you know the friends that stayed with her? If so could you ask them if anything was said?

Mrsmadevans · 14/05/2017 19:42

I would be very worried about her and go and camp on the door till she comes home. This is very odd indeed. I would be ringing her friends and asking the neighbours too if I were you op. I hope she is ok btw

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:42

I can try and speak to her closest friend but then again she's been incredibly busy recently with her own health and own mother and so I'm not sure she'd know much more. I might just go round to see her later when the kids are in bed. Maybe I could find some bits of hers here that I thought she might need for her house move packing or something.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 14/05/2017 19:42

Sounds very worrying OP, hope you manage to catch up with her soon in person and find out what's wrong.

pudcat · 14/05/2017 19:42

Give her a break. She has had friends over to stay and she is moving in a couple of weeks yet you are bombarding her with texts and calls. Back off, stop texting, stop calling. She'll call you when she is ready.
If this was my mum I would be very worried and I would do the same as OP.

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:44

Thank you by the way for your kind words. I'm sure it's all fine and me just overreacting and being worried, but I just can't shake off he worry that it's all so sudden.

Friends who came to stay were an elderly couple from France, very lovely and very family orientated.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 14/05/2017 19:45

Could she be in a new relationship?

A controlling and abusive partner could be making her distance herself from her family.

This must be very worrying for you.

claritytobeclear · 14/05/2017 19:46

Can you arrange to 'bump into' her? On the way back from somewhere she goes regularly?

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:46

Btw pudcat, I wouldn't call it bombarding at all. She's usually the one who is calling me. In any event, I can't back off as it's so odd and out of character. It's never happened before. Also, she never ever misses an opportunity to spend time with the grandchildren. She's usually be round every day, sometimes more than once a day.

OP posts:

sleepingonthesparebed · 14/05/2017 19:48

It would be extremely unlikely that she's in a new relationship and given her very strong will, stubbornness and independence, anyone trying to control her would have to be trying very hard indeed for this to have happened in just two weeks. He'd have to be very bloody special indeed. I really don't think that there's a new relationship. I'm not in denial. I just know my mum!

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 14/05/2017 19:50

OP I think you need to get to the bottom of this asap, you are worried and there is no point in worrying go and sort it out even if you have to interfere and ask her friends and neighbours it shows you care . Anyway what about your dc they must be missing her terribly

pudcat · 14/05/2017 19:50

sleepingonthesparebed No I was agreeing with what you were doing - I quoted KC225 who said not to bombard her. I actually said If this was my mum I would be very worried and I would do the same as OP

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Jupitar · 14/05/2017 19:52

I'd go round this evening whatever time you know she'd normally be at home.

If you haven't spoken to her how do you even know it's her who's texting? A bit alarmist I know but true nonetheless

ukpor · 14/05/2017 19:53

Yadnbu and I would be worried too. You need to let her know your concerns. She might have gotten herself into a right mess like been defrauded by one of those phone calls or one of those online boyfriends that milk you for money and feels too ashamed to let you know. Please persist and do not give up.

DissonantInterval · 14/05/2017 19:54

It does sound worrying. I'm sure you would know if anything you'd done or not done or said etc had sparked this and it doesn't sound like you can think of anything. I would phone friend. Even if this person has a lot going on herself id hope she wouldn't mind sparing a few mins to talk. If she had form for this sort of behaviour then it would be par for the course but it sounds very weird. Hope you can get to the bottom of it. Could you call round on your own any time and try talk directly with her?

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