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AIBU to think my MIL is insensitive?

(34 Posts)
HeleenC Sun 14-May-17 17:39:22

4 years ago I gave birth to boy-girl twins at 27 weeks. My boy became very ill and after 2 months and 4 surgeries he passed away. I had my rainbow baby 3 years later. My MIL seem to have forgotten about my son. She never speak of him. On the 2 year anniversary of his passing she told me that I muststop doing things to remember and honour him on his birthday and day of his passing. Last week she bought clothes for my youngest daughter and his surviving twin sister. She bought matching clothes for the girls and told the surviving twin "Now you and sissie are twins". AIBU to think this is incredibly insensitive?

WellErrr Sun 14-May-17 17:41:14

That's very insensitive. Sorry for your loss flowers

waybalooo Sun 14-May-17 17:42:13

Yes it was insensitive but she may be struggling with her grief also flowers

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 14-May-17 17:43:07

Wow that's awful. .
She had no right to tell you not to remember and honour your ds.
Personally I would bin the clothes she bought.
And tell her you did.
And remind her she needs to be respectful in your life or she can keep out of it. flowers

kate20091985 Sun 14-May-17 17:44:18

I'm so sorry for your loss OP flowers it is completely insensitive of her. If it was just a case of her buying the girls clothes and saying they were 'twins' now I'd say that she'd just been thoughtless and not realised what she had said. But the fact she has said you should basically forgetc about your son? Outrageous

LedaP Sun 14-May-17 17:44:21

I think telling you, you need to stop marking the annversary is very insentive.

The twin remark not so much. People often use that phrase when people are wearung similar clothes. Someone said it to me when i had the samr shirt on as a man who is of a different ethicity to me.

My cousin dresses her dds all the same and people often say 'you all look like triplets'.

Yes it will have hurt you but i doubt she meant to even imply anything about your son.

I am sorry for your loss. It must be difficult for you.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil Sun 14-May-17 17:44:49

I'm so sorry about your little boy. flowers

I'll never stop remembering mine, or the special days in the calendar for him. Your MiL's discomfort with grief isn't your problem, yes she is being very thick skinned and tactless, particularly trying to control your grief and any reminders of it to reduce her own discomfort. Your dh needs to talk with her.

Astro55 Sun 14-May-17 17:45:02

Yes it is - very

What did you say?

How you chose to remember your child is up to you - it must be hard seeing one 'at the same stage' your son would've been as she will be a reminder -

I'd have said some thing

Annahibiscuits Sun 14-May-17 17:45:19

I think it is insensitive. But does she say it because she worries about you? Like, she doesn't want you to keep hurting? Cackling handed and misguided, but we'll-meaning?

DorkMaiden Sun 14-May-17 17:46:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StatelessPrincess Sun 14-May-17 18:00:08

It's really awful behaviour. What did you say back to her OP? She needs to be told it's unacceptable and to keep her opinions to herself.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sun 14-May-17 18:03:20

That is very insensitive flowers. Can your DH have a frank discussion with her? I can't believe as a mother herself she can't show a little empathy and compassion towards you and as his grandma I'd like to think she'd want to remember him and celebrate his life too.

Dawnedlightly Sun 14-May-17 18:06:05

I think the twin comment was foot in mouth/ thoughtless- I just can't imagine anyone but a psychopath would say that to a surviving twin.
The other comments aren't evil, just from a different time. You're right to remember your little boy. flowers

flumpybear Sun 14-May-17 18:09:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NavyandWhite Sun 14-May-17 18:16:58

I'm sorry OP. How did she phrase it when she said you must stop remember his passing? Did your H hear it?

" batty old cow " is not acceptable to the poster who wrote that.

flumpybear Sun 14-May-17 18:31:52

That would be me!!! And yes it is - completely acceptable imo

NavyandWhite Sun 14-May-17 18:34:24

Someone's age doesn't influence their actions.

flumpybear Sun 14-May-17 18:34:41

Navy - if OP told MIL to forget the passing of her child if they died before her, at any age, this would be completely insane, I remember my mum and dads anniversary of death every year and they died 7&5 years ago - it won't leave me, it never will ... what's
Wrong with remembering - and who the hell is she to tell a mother to behave in a certain way no matter HOW she says or phrases it!

flumpybear Sun 14-May-17 18:35:24

You're being pedantic!

user1493022461 Sun 14-May-17 18:36:07

Their age can and does influence how they were taught to deal with things. And up until fairly recently, it was very much not done to talk about babies who died.

Chottie Sun 14-May-17 18:38:33

This is so incredibly insensitive.

Your DS is part of your family forever......

flowers flowers flowers

NavyandWhite Sun 14-May-17 18:42:33

Picking up on someone being ageist is not being pedantic.

flumpybear Sun 14-May-17 18:47:09

I'm southern, everyone's a silly old cow silly ol' caaaaaa' The old boy isn't the point and you know it, you're being pedantic!! She's a
Silly cow and she's probably a bit older than the OP....

HeleenC Sun 14-May-17 18:52:22

Navy and Flumpybear- not your hurt, not your fight to fight.

What did I tell her: nothing. My Dh and I were just too shocked to response. The twin thing is incredibly painful for us. It is a dream lost. We had to return the twin pram, all the doubles... now 4 years later when we see twin babies in a public place we turned around and walk away. My dh shares this sentiment even though he is just as emotionally-challenged as his mom. Confronting her: it's not really done in my very conservative Afrikaner culture. Just a side-note: "the things people say" is a significantly to a bereaved parent's pain. The words "at least" shouldn't even feature in such dialogue. Just in case you the reader are ever in the company of a bereaved parent. It is mother's day in my country today. Next week will be my twin's birthday, 2 weeks later rainbow baby's birthday, 2 months later anniversary of ds's passing. It is a rollercoaster time that I don't have the strength to deal with. Especially as everyone around me have forgotten.

NavyandWhite Sun 14-May-17 18:57:42

Yes you're right OP and I'm sorry.
Regarding your MIL well in your shoes I would carry on remembering your little boy as often as you want to. I've lost an older child too and will not be made to keep quiet about him. I light a candle next to his photo whenever I need to, not just the anniversary of his death or his birthday.

Do you what you need to to get you through. flowers

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