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Dp is mad cause I work a lot....aibu?

(59 Posts)
SugarnetMum Sun 14-May-17 02:03:39

We used to get to spend a lot of time together, everyday, every night etc.. He doesn't work (doesn't bother IMO) he gets disability , I work 2 jobs. We have no kids. I've always been keen for work.
were going on holiday so I wanted extra spending money, so iv been working everyday lately, long shifts like 12-11 pm. Wrecked when I get home, etc...we've started growing apart and bickering the whole time obviously pushing us apart.

I'm leaving the 2nd job..
Is he being unreasonably to get down my throat? He's only hating me going to work constantly cause IMO he's bored cause he doesn't have work of his own. I'm happy having 2 jobs but don't want us to grow apart, want to spend more time with him so leaving..I love him so much but hope I don't start resenting him for not having his own life , waiting for me at home constantly..

He has no physical disability. Had a mental one years ago...

SugarnetMum Sun 14-May-17 02:05:20

Everything is fair in terms of bills etc.

I just wish I didn't have to give up second job to "spend more time together"...

hazell42 Sun 14-May-17 02:25:37

Don't do it. Let him get a job. might make him more cheerful. Seriously, you will just resent him while you are sitting on the sofa spending time with him. Is he depressed? Doing nothing all day will do that to you

JontyDoggle37 Sun 14-May-17 02:33:02

Never mind thinking about leaving your job because he's nagging you - if he's claiming disability and isn't disabled you should be reporting him - it's massively unfair on those who are disabled and really need that financial support.

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 14-May-17 02:34:35

What reason does he give for not working?

Who paid for the holiday?

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 14-May-17 02:36:03

Oh and my son has cerebal palsy and he works. It took a while for him to get a job but he got one and wouldnt give it up for a big clock, so not being able to find a job is no excuse.

highinthesky Sun 14-May-17 03:04:19

Why are you leaving your second job?

Is that your decision, or his? Let him make his own life choices whilst you make yours. Otherwise resentment - which seems to have already set in - will ruin your "quality time" together.

Devorak Sun 14-May-17 03:37:31

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was claiming benefits and I didn't think they deserved them.

I know a friend of mine and her DH had a rocky patch when he was made redundant and couldn't find work for about 6 months. They'd both had good jobs so it wasn't a money issue but he was bored when she was out of the house and they bickered when she was home.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 14-May-17 04:12:14

Sorry what exactly does he bring to the table in your relationship? He doesn't sound like much of a catch. You're painting him to be lazy arse all too ready to sponge off the state and off you. Do you realise you're not only working two jobs to share your money (for life's little luxuries) with him but in addition to that, you're paying taxes to fund him?

If he's genuinely ill, that's different, but it doesn't sound like the case from what you're saying.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 14-May-17 04:12:30

How does he react if you talk about him looking for work/voluntary work? It looks increasingly likely that we're going to have a government unsympathetic to disabled people, he may want to jump before he's pushed. With some benefits you can do a small amount of permitted work, he'd need to talk to the job centre.

yoursforthetalking Sun 14-May-17 04:25:13

Mmmmm if you don't think he really is disabled, and you enjoy work and have a strong work ethic, do you think you might be mismatched a bit?

And like others have said, it's being a blagger to claim what you don't need and not fair to people/kids who really do need it.

Squishedstrawberry4 Sun 14-May-17 04:32:43

11 hour shifts should be fine as long as you get a day or two off each week. You don't have kids so will have more quality time alone together then many couples. I only get one hour a day with my DH and we still have each others backs and live deeply. He should look to getting voluntary work or a new hobby or new friends if he's a bit board or over reliant on you.

VerySadInside Sun 14-May-17 05:54:02

Do you have days off?

Quality of time spent together is more important than quantity.

I wouldn't want to spend my days hanging out on a sofa with a lazy person though. He sounds crap.

HappyFlappy Sun 14-May-17 06:32:04

Have a good think about whether your relationship is really what you want before you give up your second job.

I think that even though he doesn't want to work himself, he resents the freedom your two jobs give you, your opportunities to meet people and talk about stuff other than what was on the telly, and the fact that if it ever suited you to leave, financially you would be in a strong position. He is trying to achieve control over you. Don't let him because he will become more and more demanding. And then he will start to complain that you don't have the money to enjoy yourselves, whilst simultaneously making it impossible for you to earn any by insisting that you stay with him.

Just as a matter of interest - does he do anything in the house while you are out? i.e. cleaning, laundry, washing windows, preparing a meal for you when you come home.

Your extra long shifts are a temporary thing soy can enjoy your holiday. Please remember though, that you really need to socialise with people other than your DH - if you give in to his demands you will end up stifle and resentful and very depressed yourself.

You obviously love him - have you tried suggesting that he do something outside the home to give him an interest and stop him getting bored? Even if he can't take the stress of paid work, he could volunteer somewhere - his doctor could protect his benefits y writing a letter stating that he could do "therapeutic" work which would help his mental health condition. It would probably do him the world of good to get out an do something, as anther PP pointed out.

If, as you imply, he no longer has a mental health problem, thence certainly should come off his benefits and get a job. People are telling you to report him, but he's your OH and it's very difficult to do that. It would certainly end your relationship, which you value.

If I were you I would think about what he actually does fro himself and for you before I gave up my 2nd job. It looks like the concessions are all one way - you conceding to him - rather than each of you offering something. "If you resign one of your jobs, I'll get some part-time work/ volunteer at a charity shop/ make sure your dinner's ready every evening etc.

At the moment you are both financially and emotionally independent - don't throw this away lightly. Giving up your job will have a psychological as well as a financial impact upon you. Make sure you really want to do it.

sheepashwap Sun 14-May-17 06:32:41

Have I understood this correctly? You're going on holiday together and you're working extra hours to have more spending money, which is presumably for both of you as he's on benefits and he's complaining you're working more?!

Why do you love him? Don't you think you deserve more from a relationship - a partnership?

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 06:33:29

How can you respect a man who claims benefits rather than work when he's capable of working?

Ethylred Sun 14-May-17 06:33:40

Why are you with him? You clearly don't respect him (and I see no reason for you to do so).

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Sun 14-May-17 06:39:14

I have a mental disability and I work so there's nothing stopping your DP from getting off his lazy ass and getting a job. Don't give up your 2nd job just because of him let him sit there and moan.

luckylucky24 Sun 14-May-17 07:14:55

Long term I think you will resent him. Look ahead another 5 years. He is slobbing at home, you are working 2 jobs to keep a roof over your heads and he does nothing but whinge.
Possibly a child in the mix - you now have an extra person to care for but no more help. Your still working and he is still sat on his arse complaining he is bored. Looks fun!

heateallthebuns Sun 14-May-17 07:28:10

I agree with everyone else yabnu

DrCoconut Sun 14-May-17 07:33:55

Sounds a bit like my ex. He wouldn't work and moaned that I was neglecting him by being out "all the time". I was working to keep a roof over our heads. With hindsight he was probably depressed and certainly had mental health issues of some sort. A lot more happened which probably isn't relevant here but suffice to say he is now my ex.

HeteronormativeHaybales Sun 14-May-17 07:40:48

You sound incompatible.
Don't give up your second job if you don't want to. If you feel you are working too much and can manage on one job, fine. But not because he wants you to 'spend more time with him' and fill the void in his life he seems not to want to fill with other things.

HildaOg Sun 14-May-17 09:27:21

Find a nice, hard working man who'll respect your work ethic and appreciate you. This lazy man wants to drag you down. He'll start with the first job and as soon as he gets a win from that, he'll try to sabotage your second.


AlternativeTentacle Sun 14-May-17 09:29:46

You have your priorities all wrong.

You should give up all your jobs and spend the day pandering to him. It's what every woman wants, isn't it? Having a lord and master dictate what they can do and when? Plus having no money means you get to go nowhere and are even more tied to him. Win-win.

RainbowsAndUnicorn Sun 14-May-17 09:43:28

Don't give up your job, give up the man.

Find an equal who will pull his weight and be a true partner.

If you want chidren at some point, would he be the role model you had in mind? From your post, I doubt it.

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