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AIBU?

To have ended this friendship

39 replies

alicethroughtheginglass · 13/05/2017 19:51

I've nc, regular on here and pretty sure the person I'm about to talk about is on here too hence the nc.

I had a friend who I had been friends with for around 8 years, there's been a few issues over the last few years that has made me question our friendship.

Recently my mum passed away and throughout we have been in a group message with a few others. All knew about mum and her illness, she found out she was expecting (lovely news) this was around the time mum was diagnosed as terminal.

Fast forward to mums last few days, I had been in contact with friends and all knew that I was at the hospital from very early am until late pm with mum. The day before mum died whilst I was sat holding her hand talking to my now unresponsive mum my phone pings, friend had sent me a photo of a baby scan and lots of how exciting look at my baby messages.

I found this very insensitive and nicely asked if they could set up a new group message without me in it as my phone was inundated and I couldn't remove myself. Friend replied 'no problem'

From the day my mum passed she wasn't there for me and I get that to a point, she was 12 weeks pregnant and excited and I would never have wanted to dampen her happiness, however her mum had died and out of all my friends I thought she would get it.

She never called me, she sent me a Facebook message to say call me when you're ready to meet up. Nothing asking how I was, nothing.

There is a back story which is long but mainly to do with her being an unreliable friend and treating me as if I were something on the bottom of her shoe whilst in company. I decided to cut all ties with her, a mutual friend of ours has sent me a really horrible message because I have decided I no longer want to be in touch with our friend .

My mum was my everything and I am struggling with her death, the last thing I need is this shit it all just seems so petty and meaningless. WIBU?

OP posts:

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sunshinesupermum · 13/05/2017 19:55

YANBU - 12 weeks pregnant and not there for you when your DM has died? I'd bin a friend like that too. So sorry for your loss.

Paddingtonthebear · 13/05/2017 19:56

You don't need it or them.

Message the mutual friend and anyone else involved with "My mum has just died. I don't need this negative drama in my life , please don't contact me"

Paddingtonthebear · 13/05/2017 19:56

And I am sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who want to take care of you

YouTheCat · 13/05/2017 19:57

Those aren't friends.

Who the fuck sends nasty messages to someone who has recently lost a loved one?

pigsknickers · 13/05/2017 19:58

I'm so about your mum. No, you're not being at all unreasonable, you're quite right, you don't need this shit in your life, and I'd be making that very clear to the friend who's interfering. Unless she's having a really difficult and traumatic pregnancy there's no reason at all why she can't offer you support - being pregnant doesn't give you carte blanche to be a totally disinterested in other people's lives! Take care of yourself and don't expend any energy on people who won't do the same for you.

alicethroughtheginglass · 13/05/2017 19:59

I don't feel unreasonable but given the situation I'm now in I just don't know which was Is up and if I was too rash.

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AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/05/2017 20:01

Not unreasonable in the slightest. I bumped into someone 3 days after my mum passed whom i'd gone out of my way to be friends with, had bought birthday presents for, lent money, and had got my dad to drive me an hour out of our way to where they worked so they would get commission when i got my first contract phone. They stopped talking to me the day after i lent them money, and it was 2 years later my mum died. I asked how they were, then when they didn't ask back i mentioned my mum had just passed, they blurted "yeah i know" and just stood there staring at me with the most "i couldn't give a shit" look, so i said i had to leave and walked off. Haven't bothered attempting to talk to them since.

MerlinEmrys · 13/05/2017 20:03

You're at a vulnerable time and you need to grieve.

Your friend sounds self absorbed. However some people can't handle others' bereavement as they fear saying the wrong thing. Maybe when her mum passed she was sick of people telling her they were sorry and thinks you'd be the same. I can relate to that from when my father died.

I can also related to cutting ties. I had a similar situation with a friend and her wedding around the time my father died. I couldn't deal with her strop because I didn't want to go to her hen a week after dad died. I cut her off and I don't regret a thing.

Sorry for your loss. X

ImBreakingBad · 13/05/2017 20:03

So sorry to hear about your mum OP. Truly am. These aren't your friends, real friends would put their news on the back burner to support you through what can only be described as one of the most difficult, difficult things in life.

The other friend is an insensitive bitch as well, as if you need more to worry about!

Please take care, for you x

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 13/05/2017 20:04

This is a really sad situation. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I suspect that your friend has little experience of loss and has not fully comprehended what you are going through. I am not excusing her at all but I suspect she took it personally that you didn't want to hear about her baby. She has just not had the foresight to understand the place you were and are in. If I were you, I'd message your mutual friend and explain that whilst you are delighted about her babynews you are hurt and Saddened that this friend hasn't been there for you in your hour of need. Stick to the facts, make your point graciously, you'll be glad of this in the long run.

FindoGask · 13/05/2017 20:06

People can act in baffling ways when someone dies. My father in law died last year and my husband's oldest friend sent one brief text. That was it. Whereas other friends who hadn't been so close took annual leave so they could go to the funeral.

Sorry your friend let you down. I don't know whether you should ditch the friendship - only you can say whether the positive aspects of your relationship with this person outweigh her thoughtlessness.

Tapandgo · 13/05/2017 20:07

Sorry for your loss. It does get better - I can promise you that.

Regarding your 'friend' - the key thing is what you say at the end - she has always treated you like something she trod on. If this is the case you are well rid, because she has shown her full colours. However, ask a real friend if your view is skewed by grief. (It doesn't appear it is from this position).

Brittbugs80 · 13/05/2017 20:07

I'm sorry for your loss. It's absolute shit when you lose a parent.

I don't think you Abu. Grief does odd things to you. I lost my Dad 18 months ago and my heart aches every single day. I still cry every day. However, my view on life has changed insofar as I'm no longer prepared to live to please others. I'm massively about self preservation now and I've cut out people who were nothing but a drain to me. My best friends left me alone but were there when I needed them and I love them dearly for that. The ones who I've cut off are the ones who kept on at me, then got all upset because I didn't reply.

And a pregnancy does not mean, despite what some think, that the world revolves around them.

alicethroughtheginglass · 13/05/2017 20:08

I had spoken to our mutual friend and explained why I felt the way I did and that I would be cutting all ties, she replied 'she very wrapped up in herself, look after yourself' fast forward a few weeks and I get a message saying how harsh I've been. I haven't replied. I don't want to fight I just want to be left alone. I don't wish my now ex friend any ill and I genuinely hope she has a lovely life with her new baby. I just can't deal with shallow insensitive people around me.

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RainbowPastel · 13/05/2017 20:11

I understand you were going through a very difficult time. However this is a major event in your friends life. You ccould have just said congratulations and then ignored the messages. I can see why she is hurt.

Sorry for your loss

alicethroughtheginglass · 13/05/2017 20:13

Rainbow, I said congratulations she knew at 6 weeks, I had dinner with her I was nothing but pleased for her.

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MusicToMyEars800 · 13/05/2017 20:15

Yanbu, they don't sound like good friends, I am so sorry to hear about your DM look after yourself.

Wombletor · 13/05/2017 20:21

I'm so sorry for your loss
Yanbu. Your friends behaved appallingly. Pregnancy is an exciting time, but you were experiencing something dreadful, and she should have been mature and sensitive enough to put her joy aside in order to support you at the worst time in your life. She didn't, so I would cut her off too, and the other friend, avoid communication with them to protect yourself. Take care.

Allthewaves · 13/05/2017 20:21

did she send you messages or were you part of a group where she posted the messages?

MyheartbelongstoG · 13/05/2017 20:24

So sorry of your loss op.

I think you did the right thing.

I recently ditched a friend of mine, felt guilty for a little while but then reminded myself why I did it.

cafenoirbiscuit · 13/05/2017 20:27

Life is too short for shit friends

alicethroughtheginglass · 13/05/2017 20:31

She sent the photo in a group, however the same day when another asked how mum was I had replied that I was with her that she wasn't expected to last much longer that it was awful hearing mums breathing the way it was and how sad I felt and I didn't want to be a Debbie downer in group text so I would be in touch when I was ready. It's not a big group just 4 of us. She could've sent her scan etc to the other 3 leaving me out?

I feel disappointed that the one person I thought would step up didn't, instead I got messages like look at baby, this bus smells of crisps my senses are so heightened!

Afterwards all I got was a Facebook message.

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Trb17 · 13/05/2017 20:38

Sometimes bereavement shows you people's true colours. Most people will understand and acknowledge and respect what's happened. Sometimes people like your 'friend' show you they are only fair-weather friends and they can't bring themselves to consider how you feel. Cut loose fair-weather friends as they don't truly give a shit about anyone except themselves.

So so sorry for your loss

Lifegavemelemons · 13/05/2017 20:42

Sorry but I'm coming at this from another angle. She said to contact her when YOU were ready, she left the ball in your court. Both of my parents have died and my lovely FIL died in the last 10 yrs - all had reached "a good age" (over 75) one of my best friends died last year, from cancer, in her 40's.

None of these losses stop me celebrating the joys in other friend's lives. At my age it's grandchildren rather then children who are being born, and positive results from various "tests" we all seem to be having.

You are in danger in living a joyless life if you can't celebrate the positive.

Death is the one thing that happens to us all. Loss is something we all have to come to terms with. You need to find a way to acknowledge your loss while rejoicing in the good news you hear.

I don't believe she is being insensitive to be honest. Life really does go on and we have to find a way to be ok with that.

Witchend · 13/05/2017 20:44

I think your friends issue though is if she usually would send to all 4, then you were just as likely to be upset that you'd been left out.
My friend who was sitting with her dh as he dies said to her one of the worst things was finding out that they had been deliberately left out of messages like that.

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