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parents - I just dont really enjoy spending time with them

(193 Posts)
peaceout Sat 13-May-17 16:59:50

and yet they just carry on inviting themselves over to see me.

I'm a very quiet unsociable person, I choose to spend nearly all my time alone, but they seem to feel entitled to my time and energy and I resent it.

I'm not looking for a solution, just offloading and wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this?
(I know I'll be flamed for being unkind/ungrateful etc )

drinkingtea Sat 13-May-17 17:05:18

How often do they visit? Do they ask or turn up univited? Do you live close by?

Best solution is probably to move too far away to drop by on the off chance you're in, if that's what they're doing. Otherwise you're going to need to talk to them - don't make it personal, make it "it's not you, it's me, I need time alone to recharge"

Could it be they totally misunderstand you and wrongly assume that you're lonely? Maybe they think they are doing you a favour. If so you absolutely need to politely and kindly let them know it isn't the case.

drinkingtea Sat 13-May-17 17:06:44

Sorry, I know that you aren't looking for a solution! It's just that you probably could solve it! I couldn't spend too much time, too frequently, with my parents either.

Reow Sat 13-May-17 17:09:08

I love my parents and ILS in small doses.

I tend to orchestrate the time together for a 4 hour stretch at once, so we enjoy each other's company but leave before it wears.

Lovely people, I just can't do long periods in one go.

BeyondThePage Sat 13-May-17 17:09:14

Part of being a grown up is thinking of others - sometimes even thinking of them before thinking of yourself.

Nothing to do with gratitude etc. Simply the unselfish act of spending time with people who want to spend time with you, even if you do not wish to sometimes - just because it makes THEM feel good.

(It helps if it makes you feel good too - if it doesn't, make some general rules, but remember they WANT to see you, you are important to them, because seeing you makes them feel good)

peaceout Sat 13-May-17 17:12:19

when my children were young it seemed like about once a month, and I would feel anxious for a good week before hand, and they would stay and I hated it sad
but tolerated it for the sake of the children

they live a few hours drive away, probably only a few times a year and I live in a small place with no room for guests so they have to find a hotel.
I still resent it though, I feel as if they are stealing my time

peaceout Sat 13-May-17 17:14:01

make some general rules, but remember they WANT to see you, you are important to them, because seeing you makes them feel good
Thanks Beyond I know you're right, I dont really understand why I resent it so much tbh

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Sat 13-May-17 17:18:08

Heaven forbid they get old and need you to step up to help them op. Hopefully your children don't feel the same way about you in the future op

sluj Sat 13-May-17 17:19:14

Just remember there will have been plenty of times when you were a screaming baby or a sully teenager when they didn't want to spend time with you either.
Try and cherish them while you still can. Its worth the effort

biginjapan Sat 13-May-17 17:19:44

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drinkingtea Sat 13-May-17 17:20:23

Ah that's a bit different then, I imagined them dropping round several days per week after work or all day on Saturday/ Sunday.

A few times a year staying in a hotel nearby is probably a reasonable compromise.

I think that probably does fall into the category of seeing it as something kind that you really have to do as a decent person unless they've treated you horribly.

I'm sure there are lots of us who find the parental visit stressful - I do too. They want to see you though, and even if you're not great company would feel wretched if they never saw their grown up child at all...

thesunpeeksthrough Sat 13-May-17 17:20:29

Out of line, big

biginjapan Sat 13-May-17 17:20:45

Apologies if there is a back story and they were abusive/negligent. Obviously that is completely different.

biginjapan Sat 13-May-17 17:21:38

Why is it out of line big? It's a serious question. I have very close family members with an ASD and this would be very stressful for them too.

biginjapan Sat 13-May-17 17:21:56

Sorry - sun. I'm big confused

peaceout Sat 13-May-17 17:22:00

there will have been plenty of times when you were a screaming baby or a sully teenager when they didn't want to spend time with you either
if you're not happy about dealing with babies/teenagers then you just dont have children do you....no one asks to be born

LaLegue Sat 13-May-17 17:23:02

You see them a few times a year and they have the decency to book a hotel and you still resent it? shock

I thought you were going to say they let themselves in with a key several times a week.

YAB completely U.

LaLegue Sat 13-May-17 17:24:00

if you're not happy about dealing with babies/teenagers then you just dont have children do you....no one asks to be born

God, you sound like a laugh a minute. hmm

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Sat 13-May-17 17:25:49

Seriously why do they want to see you sorry but you sound really mean

peaceout Sat 13-May-17 17:26:26

Are you on the autistic spectrum?
hmm, I don't know, possibly?
I tick some of the relevant boxes, very very solitary, live alone by choice, certainly I have issues that make having visitors more than averagely stressful

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Sat 13-May-17 17:26:59

OP why would you feel anxious for a week before them visiting? Have you ever had a good or close relationship? What was your childhood like?

YOu don't have to answer these questions of course, but I'm betting these feelings haven't come out of nowhere, and even if they stem out of your anxiety- that's a legitimate feeling.

YOu haven't said very much about anything really, so people are going to flame you for not wanting to see your own parents, but I get the feeling there's more going on here and I can't see how running this thread without that information, just getting flamed, to beat yourself up about being selfish is going to help.

deckoff Sat 13-May-17 17:27:30

flowers I'm the same OP - but I had a "stately homes" childhood and I'm on the spectrum too. What was your childhood like?

drinkingtea Sat 13-May-17 17:29:09

LaLegue it is true though - the "they changed your nappies" argument is such a cheap shot. I hope my kids don't feel obligated to put up with me just because I chose to have children and all that comes with that decision. We choose to bring our children into the world and shouldn't hold it over them as a debt!

That doesn't change the fact a decent human being wouldn't deny parents who have basically been decent a few visits a year even if they aren't great company! Nothing to do with being indebted, just with being a decent, reasonably empethetic, person.

peaceout Sat 13-May-17 17:29:45

I'm the same OP
thanks Deck maybe I belong on said thread too!

PeachyPip Sat 13-May-17 17:29:51

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