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To feel like telling MIL to keep her cheque?

(158 Posts)
user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:28:48

Had MIL problems for years. Snide comments always out of earshot of DH. She plays the nice butter wouldn't melt type until no-one's looking.

I put up with it and she comes and stays with us regularly for two weeks at a time.

Her latest stunt has really got my goat though. DH and I have just moved and MIL wants to sent us a cheque for a housewarming gift. Very kind of her, I thought.

Except DH is up to his eyeballs in debt (he was before he met me and hid it from me). We've been trying to sort things out. This is one of the reasons we are downsizing and have moved.

Until we get on top of how we are going to sort finances, one of the things we decided to do was to put the cheque into my bank account otherwise it will all be eaten up with charges anyway.

So when MIL rang to offer us this gift, DH asked MIL over the telephone if she could write cheque in my name. He didn't say why. She came back with So you're just a kept man, are you? She obviously didn't realise I was sitting right next to DH at the time and heard every word.

I am furious. (1) it's none of her business! (2) how dare she act as if I am controlling her son (3) she doesn't know how much I've worked to get us out of the financial hole DH has dug us into (4) I have suspected before that she has been trying to find out about our financial situation. She mentions money a lot. Someone I never talk about with people.

I am so tempted to tell her where to stick her cheque, but I would never be so rude to an old lady. DH won't stand up to her. He never has!

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:29:59

She said it in a really nasty voice. I was actually surprised she did this to DH. It's almost as if her mask is slipping at last.

2014newme Fri 12-May-17 14:32:22

Well if you hate her that much, say no to the bail out.

FallenSky Fri 12-May-17 14:34:23

If she doesn't know your DH is in financial trouble then it must have seemed like an odd request to her. How did your DH respond?

AntigoneJones Fri 12-May-17 14:36:54

it's only a silly comment I suppose.
Take the money!

MoMandaS Fri 12-May-17 14:38:28

I don't think it should seem odd - I would just think, oh DIL will be choosing/shopping for/buying whatever they need, makes sense to put money into her account.

Bluntness100 Fri 12-May-17 14:39:41

Well you clearly hate the old dear, hence the addition of "the nasty voice" just in case anyone thought it was a flippant comment. Anyways, as others said, she doesn't know the finances, it's fair enough for her to be curious and it does seem odd that the cheque has to go to one of you and both. I'd suspect if she was being nasty thr comment was aimed at her son as she suspects he's fucked up financially and you're having to bail him out.

I'm not sure why you're furious. It seems a massive over reaction..Clearly a major back story here.

ssd Fri 12-May-17 14:40:28

I think you are getting angry with the wrong person here

so your dh has so much debt you have to downsize and he kept this debt from you??

if I was his mum I'd keep my money to myself, he sounds crap with it and you sound nasty

Pinkheart5917 Fri 12-May-17 14:40:39

You don't have to take her money......

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:41:20

It's not a bail out. It's a £200 housewarming gift.

I never started off hating her. I wanted her to be in my life so much, I was going to ask her to live with us once upon a time! I have no family around and would have loved that. She's a lonely widow, but so mean to me I've gone off the idea.

I would happily not have the money. I suppose it's really a gift to her son, not me. The comment she made reinforces that, I suppose.

She said it in such a hostile snarling sort of voice, I was shocked.

DH said nothing. He never would.

Recently, I've mentioned the way she is with me and how I don't like to be alone with her. He shrugs it off and says she "probably didn't mean it that way". He doesn't do confrontation. Neither do I.

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:42:50

I think I'm fed-up because all the financial trauma that's come to light and entailed us having to move and I left a job I loved and now do one I hate, moved from friends, etc.

I'm tired. Been through so much. I have been informed I am ill now with heart trouble. I'm sure the stress has harmed me.

Now MIL can't give us a gift without sticking a knife in my back.

I'd rather she was actually nice to me than give us money!

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:43:24

I'd love to refuse the money.

How to do that without insulting her?

DH doesn't want to refuse as it would seem rude.

She will blame me whatever we do.

RedSkyAtNight Fri 12-May-17 14:43:38

I wouldn't accept money from someone I didn't like.
It's a dig at DH, not you surely? Especially if she has no idea about your financial situation.

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:45:16

I can't see it as a dig at DH. Not saying you're wrong though.

shyturnip Fri 12-May-17 14:46:01

If all is how you describe it then your dh needs to grow a spine.

2014newme Fri 12-May-17 14:46:13

Good grief. Mil clearly has suspicions about your financial situation.
You can choose to tell her when she is being rude. You've chosen not to. Your choice.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 12-May-17 14:46:56

To be fair he should have just said to his mother "If it goes in my account it will just pay back some of my overdraft. If it goes in "user"'s account then we will be able to use it for the purpose you intend.

Luckily my wife is better with her money than I am , Mum!"

She probably is being a bit catty but treat yourself to something nice for the new house (if you want) but I'd be inclined to clear some of the debt which is just as satisfying.

BarbarianMum Fri 12-May-17 14:47:19

It is a really odd request out of context though, isn't it? If i was trying to give money to my son and he asked for the cheque to be in his wife's name I'd be thinking wtf?

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:47:23

I see what's she's like around him. She thinks the sun shines out of his bum. She bigs up his working from home. Thinks he's some kind of tycoon. It's my work that keeps the show going. He makes next to nothing! I'd never show this though, I am happy to stay in the background paying for stuff and letting her think it's all him.

I think she thinks I'm some kind of gold digger. If she only knew the half of it!

MsGameandWatch Fri 12-May-17 14:48:13

You've given up a lot for this man haven't you? Why? He doesn't sound at all worth it.

2014newme Fri 12-May-17 14:49:09

Well she doesn't know the half of it because you don't tell her so therefore she will carry on making her own assumptions.
Entirely your choice how you respond to her.

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:49:15

I'm 10 years younger than DH and I get the impression she thinks I'm some kind of halfwit. She's always making catty comments about my height (I'm tall and she's tiny) and saying "looks don't last" and "you should cut your hair shorter, you're getting to that age".

CoolioAndTheGang Fri 12-May-17 14:49:59

I think it is a bit of an over-reaction. Tbh if you weren't with her son, she wouldn't be giving you a cheque. It is predominantly a gift to her son (you are a beneficiary of the gift) because you are married to him. She is not aware of the debt so she is probably hmm at giving a cheque in your name.

Radishal Fri 12-May-17 14:50:17

If she genuinely knows nothing about the financial problems, not surprised she thinks it's a bit weird. It sounded like a gift for him what with her being his mum. If it is going to be pissed against the wall on bank charges, that is his fault. How is she supposed to know that if he doesn't tell her.

user18349332 Fri 12-May-17 14:50:51

You've given up a lot for this man haven't you? Why? He doesn't sound at all worth it

I felt like I'm in a bad dream sometimes.

I am the same poster who posted about BIL using my computer when he came to stay and leaving it full of porn in the history.

So sick of it all I could scream.

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