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to throw out items dh hoards?

(42 Posts)
Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:23:50

My dh is a hoarder and I have thrown away itrms left lying around our home/garden as they are broken/unsightly/unused. Dh now can't bear to speak to me as I am so 'controlling' I have asked for years for him to sort his 'stuff' out as it impacts on us all but I have been ignored, or he manages to blame me in some way ie, I never allow him the time. However, he manages to find plenty of time to gather more items for his specific interest. Who is bu?

AntigoneJones Fri 12-May-17 11:25:27

both of you...smile
Hope that helps..
How are other aspects of your relationship?

Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:26:29

Sorry, just to add, the things he collects are really large and literally stuffed anywhere he sees a space. Shed is overrun with it already, recycling bin used as storage, all over our drive, in a lock up, at his parents.

Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:27:31

Otherwise good but this is really becoming an issue to the point that I think one of us will leave. We have 3dc

AntigoneJones Fri 12-May-17 11:29:49

Sounds really hard, as though he is casting you in a role..eg you don't 'allow' him the time..is there any justification for such claims?
Some people seem to WANT to be controlled and then complain about it.

BarbarianMum Fri 12-May-17 11:32:06

YANBU but you are onto a loser - its a mental health issue and unless he gets help it isn't going away, no matter how much stuff you chuck. I suspect it may be that separating is the only answer. Sorry.

alleypalley Fri 12-May-17 11:32:56

I can sympathise my dh is also a harder. I wouldn't mind too much but we have very little storage space in our flat. I once threw out though a 'Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy' limited edition towel, which apparently was very precious and valuable. Then why was is under a pile of other crap lying in a corner for years! It was so old it was starting to disintergrate!

So now every now and then it goes in a big box and he has a time limit to sort through it before it goes in the bin.

Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:34:10

I do to a certain degree as I feel this behaviour is unreasonable. He seems not to accept it is general life that steals his time, not me. If the hobby was less chaotic I would have no issues with it but he is now secrative about it so lying about money and time.

LapCatLicker Fri 12-May-17 11:35:04

Hoarding can be a mental health issue, your DH (and possibly both of you together) might benefit from counselling. Just throwing out his stuff won't solve the underlying problem unfortunately. I have an inkling of this with my DH. He doesn't actively hoard but he never throws things away and gets very tetchy if I do it without asking him. The stuff has a negative effect on you but it must mean something to your DH. You throwing it out is crossing his boundaries but his keeping it is crossing yours so you are left with a stalemate. As I said, perhaps an outside perspective is needed, especially if the rest of your relationship is solid.

alleypalley Fri 12-May-17 11:36:40

Seeing your update that is in another league to my dh. As others said it could be a mental health problem. Don't really know what the answer us though.

Assburgers Fri 12-May-17 11:37:46

Does he have plans to sell it / restore it? Is there an end goal or is this all just stuff he wants to keep forever?

Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:38:06

Thank you. We have considered counselling so maybe now is the time. I'm just worried he can't change and I can't accept it.

Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:39:06

He has plans to restore/sell but that rarely happens. For example, there are 32 car tyres around our home

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Fri 12-May-17 11:40:07

Hire a skip and tell him it needs filled. . Your home /garden isn't a land fill site.
Yanbu to expect him to sort out his crap. .
Inform him it's either the stuff out the house or you will move his 'stuff' into the skip and he can assume it's his new address.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-May-17 11:41:31

32 car tyres!!! Oh OP, this isn't going to get better. You know that you have to get yourself out of this situation. It's really unhealthy for you and the children.

LedaP Fri 12-May-17 11:45:37

I'm just worried he can't change and I can't accept it.

Thats quite a strong stance. It probably going require both of you to compromise at first.

BarbarianMum Fri 12-May-17 11:48:24

Tbf it sounds like the OP has been compromising for years. Fine for her to say enough is enough.

Couples counselling will only be useful if he also gets separate help about his hoarding.

Diel Fri 12-May-17 11:49:25

I feel that I have comprimised by accepting the shed and bins brong used and other places. Also not questioning the hobby in general, only the way it impacts on me and the children..and the neighbours.

0nline Fri 12-May-17 11:53:12

I wish I could offer a solution, but the reality is that even with extensive professional help hoarding does not have a high success rate in terms of bringing it under control.

And it is a godawful environment, physically and mentally, to have to live in as a voiceless, powerless child in the equation.

I am 50 years old. Long free of my mother's hoard (even the one she shipped overseas to my house a decade and a half ago) and I still suffer from doorbell dread.

An unexpected guest sets off something close to the beginnings of a panic attack, even though my home is (mostly) clean and tidy. I have no reason for the state of my home to set off the Tsunami of shame that comes with their arrival. But it smashes into me anyway.

If we have expected guests I end up in a three day emotionally distraught state of making the house perfect. Washing it as some kind of hysterical displacement activity, cos I am mostly trying to mentally wash the stain of squalor and extreme disorder off me. The hoard has gone, but in some ways I am still living in its ghost.

Don't under estimate what his mental health issue can mean for your children.

Becuase it is all too easy for the non hoarder to get worn down and stop seeing the hoard (it can kind of get normalised in your head to being not as bad as it actually is) it might be worth considering getting a warm, but honest outside opinion. A mate, a family member, somebody you trust to not reflect back at you what they think you want them to see.

If you can't do that there are some helpful illustrated guides to help you work out the scale of the issue as it stands today. (I'll add the links after).

Once that is done you can monitor and log the state of the hoard. Which is essential, cos a lot of post "almighty great row and threats of leaving" movement looks like it is going in the right direction. However with objective evidence it can be clearly seen for what it is. Just more churning, with nothing going out and no order being created. Merely a shifting of the composition and placement.

0nline Fri 12-May-17 11:55:44

Hoarding scale with pictures (pdf)

www.hoardingconnectioncc.org/Hoarding_cir.pdf

Squalor scale (text)

www.squalorsurvivors.com/squalor/measuring.shtml

LadyPW Fri 12-May-17 12:03:01

Until I read about the car tyres I thought my mother had found Mumsnet!

0nline Fri 12-May-17 12:04:04

Please don't tske the inclusion of the squalor scale as me casting doubt on your cleanliness.

It's just as a hoard spirals it impedes the ability of the non hoarder to maintain the house. Things have to be cleaned around. Infestations happen where you can see them and spread. Broken utilities can't be reached to stop leaks, mood etc. Shame of the state of the house means professionals don't get called in to stop a broken seal on a loo going from drama to major crisis.

It can spiral out of your control so fast, no matter how hard you try to stop it, becuase you don't have control over the one element in the equation that would make a difference. The person with compulsion to hoard.

And tske care. When the hoard is threatened all sorts of emotional, mental and even physical abuse can happen as hoard defence reaches a fever pitch. Even people you'd never think would do that can lash out spectacularly, when they feel like they are trapped in a corner and you are going to throw away their stuff.

People thought my mum was lovely. And she was most of the time. But not so much when protecting her hoard. She didn't want to hurt us, but when push came to shove, the power the hoard had over her always won. It always will.

expatinscotland Fri 12-May-17 12:07:33

I don't think this is a healthy environment for children. Sorry, but I'd leave.

Launderetta Fri 12-May-17 12:08:13

Hi OP you're in a tricky situation for sure, and it sounds like you've reached a crisis point in your relationship, not just with the practical side but with communication, too. Perhaps there's a deeper reason though -
Does he have a stressful job that he finds hard to mentally separate himself from?
Does your DH feel isolated from you & your 3 DCs? Is he trying to surround himself with objects that somehow give him comfort, either because they're 'just in case' or simply don't ask anything from him.
To be honest I think that the practical side, whilst probably frustrating as hell to live with, is the lesser issue - provided that there's no safety issues for your DC & you of course.
The fact that there's secrecy surrounding his activity & expenditure is more threatening to your relationship and perhaps that's where the counselling should focus.
Once you start talking properly, could you & the DC get more involved in understanding his hobby? Not in taking over what he does, but becoming aware & appreciating what he does, even celebrating his successes.
Regarding the practicalities, could you agree a multi-stage approachto it? Firstly to organise the larger items that are impinging on normal life, such as the bin & areas that the DC play in (or want to). Then on any higher-level organisation such as a dedicated outbuilding, shelves or racking, renting external storage etc.
But please, don't throw away anything of his. That's quite confrontational (disrespectful even) & won't do anyone any good at all.
Play the long game here & I'm sure you'll succeed.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Fri 12-May-17 12:08:15

Poor you op this would drive me insane. If he wouldn't seek help for this it would be the end for me

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