Husband's nights out....

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

I feel very tired and tearful so not sure if I'm being U...

We have a spirited 4yo and a 7mo baby.

I go out about once a month for a meal once the kids are asleep to a pub a 15 min walk away.

My husband goes out less but when he does it's a 3pm till 1am drinking session on a Saturday normally. He still pulls his weight the next day.

He's arranged to meet friends in a pub for food and watch the football tonight. Pub is in a different town that's not particularly easy to get to by public transport. 20 min drive or two trains / bus and a train. Football starts at 8pm.

This last week has been tough. 7mo hasn't been sleeping and I'm exhausted.

I've asked dh if he'll help me get kids to bed (or at least get 4yo to bed) then head out about 7pm. Ample time to get there for 8pm.

He wants to leave much earlier (5:30ish) to get a table etc. It's always him who arrives early to save a table (read the paper, enjoy a pint in peace, get out of bedtime etc).

I've asked him if one of the boys he is meeting (both single, no kids) can for once be the ones who get there early. He won't ask them.

AIBU for being annoyed about this?

He'll be relaxing in the pub while I'm struggling with a new bedtime routine for two children after a hard week of very little sleep.

[Willyorwonte]

Yanbu.
Parenting is hard.... it involves compromise, but you know that.
However how long has his evening out been planned? It's a bit crap to expect him to change plans because you are want him to help you with bed time. Unless the children or you are in fact really unwell.

[SecretNetter]

You sound resentful of him going out at all...but although it's been a tough week, if his night out has been arranged for a while I think yabu.

How would you feel in the reverse if he asked you to go out at 8 instead of 6 when it's your turn to help get the dc to bed? I know if it were me, internally I'd be thinking 'FFS, you can't manage ONE bedtime alone on my night out'.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

YABU.

He goes out less than you do!

Although I know it's hard.

[witsender]

She goes out more, but after bedtime! Yanbu, he should speak to his friends. He's copping out

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

Thanks everyone. I'm more than happy to be told IBU.

He doesn't go out much. I have no problem with him going out tonight - once he's helped me.

I do have a problem with him always having to get to the pub hours before a game starts - when none of his single friends do.

The night out has been planned for about a week.

I probably do resent him going out. That's true. We have zero help from anyone. Baby is bf and I haven't had one full nights sleep in 7months. The last week has almost broken me.

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

witsender - thank you. That's how I feel - he's copping out.

[Dozer]

Does he arrive home after work in time to assist with bedtime routine most nights?

Why do you wait to go out until after bedtime? Bf?

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

He is v v hands on. He normally assists. Baby is bf and is glued to me. Will only nap in buggy etc. But that's another problem.

I feel sick and shaky andtearful and trapped.

[halcyondays]

Yanbu, it sound like an excuse to get out sooner and avoid the hassle of bedtime. surely they could take it in turns to get there early and save the table.

[Dozer]

So the key issue seems to be that you're struggling at the moment. Does he know this? Are you doing things to care for your health?

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

halcyon exactly my point. It should be in turns. But he won't ask. That's my bugbear. He wants to skip off knowing the last week has been awful - for me. Not particularly awful for him iyswim.

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

dozer he knows this.

We're not swimming in money but we could afford for him to have a taxi as a treat and leave st 7pm. He won't do this as it's dearer than public transport.

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

Baby has been up since 540 after a broken night and has slept for 20 mins this morning. I can't rest as I'll need to walk about with her to get her to nap. She's v overtired.

[robinia]

Trying to look at it from his point of view - maybe he is feeling stressed and wants a break just for the one night.
Could he return the favour tomorrow (assuming he doesn't get legless drunk)?
Let you go back to bed and take over all care except for bringing bf baby to you when needee.

[Dozer]

Yes, he is letting you down really, prioritising his drinking/relaxation time (alone) over caring for you when, at exactly the same time, you'll be struggling. Selfish decision.

[Dadstheworld]

You say he always goes to the pub early. But yet according to you it's less than once a month. Doesn't seem like much to ask.

[Dozer]

It's the timing though: they have a tiny, demanding baby and OP is exhausted right now. Struggling. He knows this, is himself feeling well and fine (and can see she's not) and is prioritising his desire for a drink and time alone.

[Soulcakequack]

It sounds like you really really need some sleep. Rather than fighting about tonight can you make plans at the weekend to give you 2/3 / 4 hrs child free sleeping time....

With your OH taking the kids out. I know your baby is Breast feed but at 7 months they will cope for 3-4 hrs. And life will be better for all of you once your a better rested xxx

[MsVestibule]

I do know how you feel. A few years ago, I had a baby and a very clingy toddler - doing bedtimes by myself was a nightmare. I had PND, but wasn't sleep deprived. DH insisted on playing golf one evening a week, leaving me to do bedtimes by myself.

I realise that there are 1000s of single parents/people whose partners can't be home from work etc who have to do this every day, but that's really not the point. My DH CHOSE to leave me to do this by myself, despite knowing how upset and stressed it made me. It still pisses me if when I think about it.

OP, YANBU, but I'm not sure what you can do about it. Clearly his need for an hour or twos peace top trumps your need for help after an exhausting week.

[Ceto]

What reason does he give for not asking one of the others to get there early?

[ImperialBlether]

When the OP goes out she causes him no problems at all. She goes out when the children are in bed.

He should be taking how you feel into consideration before going out. If you are exhausted and miserable, it wouldn't hurt him to go a bit later. Yes, there's room for compromise but he isn't compromising at all. I wouldn't be happy with that.

[Dadstheworld]

Dozer

Or the maybe the DH is struggling with work and homelife for x weeks/months and this is his chance to recharge ?

[stitchglitched]

YANBU. It's fine for him to go out, get there early, he doesn't go out much etc. But this week you are struggling and sleep deprived. Why on earth wouldn't someone compromise to help and make life a little bit easier for their partner?

[halcyondays]

He could still recharge if he went out at 7 p.m.

[RedSkyAtNight]

When my DC were little I hardly went out at all - but it always felt like on my night out the DC were particularly troublesome and DH wanted me to stay at home a bit longer so I could help with bedtime. And I really begrudged not having my very rare nights out as I wanted them!

In OP's shoes I'd let DH go out and ask that he can sort the DC over the weekend in whatever way will allow her to have some sleep - which I suspect will be more welcome than a bit of help with putting the 4 year old to bed anyway.