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AIBU to think that this is not the way to bring up our kids?

(52 Posts)
user1473341778 Fri 12-May-17 09:32:37

I came to work this morning very upset after an all too common situation with my dd3, ds2 and partner. Both children can be extremely clingy to me and fight with each other for my attention. I explain to them both that I love them and try and calm things down, but they cry and fight, usually when I’m trying to leave for work in the morning or if I'm the one leaving them at the childminders. This morning it started as I was trying to bring ds downstairs. It then got worse when the other half leaped out of bed giving out and cussing at the children under his breath. I couldn’t repeat some of the things he says. I find the whole thing so upsetting. I know every morning can’t be roses and sweet melodies but these instances are becoming more and more regular. DH blames me and says I’m too soft on them and I need to toughen up and my argument is that he needs to be more balanced with them so that they enjoy us both looking after them and are not clinging onto me and saying they don’t want him to tend to them. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I just want my kids to be happy and grow up nice people. DH says they are bullying me, but they are 3 and 2 for goodness sakes, I don’t think they are too different to a lot of kids at this stage. DH makes them out to be monsters sometimes and I can’t cope with the negative rumblings he comes out with when they are acting out, it’s wearing me down!!!

blackteasplease Fri 12-May-17 09:33:59

He is the bully, not the kids.

He sounds like an abusive shit.

KoalaDownUnder Fri 12-May-17 09:35:44

He sounds like an arsehole.

Why was he even in bed, instead of up helping with the kids so you could get out the door to work?

araiwa Fri 12-May-17 09:36:57

"He is the bully, not the kids.

He sounds like an abusive shit."

explain yourself

megletthesecond Fri 12-May-17 09:37:45

How come he was in bed? Does he refuse to get up on a day off / not work / make it all your responsibility every day? (Abusive xp so it sounds familiar to me).

BastardGoDarkly Fri 12-May-17 09:38:17

They know how he feels, that's why they don't want to be left with him.

I wonder how he is with them alone? Poor kids.

Bananamanfan Fri 12-May-17 09:41:05

It sounds like they have separation anxiety. My 3 yr old does too. He is actually fine when he is at nursery, but when i am at home (with dh too) i can't get in the shower or pop out to get milk without tears & clinging. It's the same at nursery drop off or when I'm leaving for work & he is at home, although it is improving. DD is older now (6), but she wasn't like it at all; she didn't want me to go to work, but no tears & clinging & hanging around me when at home.
Have a read of some techniques for dealing with separation anxiety. I need to too!

flownthecoopkiwi Fri 12-May-17 09:42:07

I think he is being a nob, but even my DH who mostly isn't did get grumpy at DD and then DS from 1-2 years old being really clingy with me and not wanting to be with him. It felt almost like he blamed me.

It's not the kids fault, it's not yours, it's just what it is. You need a partner to accept that they will grow out of it, he'll get happier children, you'll get less shit mornings.

NavyandWhite Fri 12-May-17 09:43:06

He sounds like an abusive shit? Is this the standard response now on MN to any man that says something seemingly negative?

How can you possibly think that without knowing the full in and outs of this family?

Elphaba99 Fri 12-May-17 09:44:54

Maybe he works shifts and was knackered? More info please, OP

JigglyTuff Fri 12-May-17 09:46:49

Swearing at your children is abusive araiwa.

araiwa Fri 12-May-17 09:47:30

maybe he is right and you are letting your kids walk all over you and bully. maybe he is upset at seeing his partner being treated this way. also imagine how he feels at seeing his kids only ever wanting mum because they can easily manipulate her but never want to spend time with dad because he tries to have some responsible, reasonable rules about behaviour.

maybe you should both sit down and have a chat about dealing with this as a team and try and reach some compromises about dealing with the kids

araiwa Fri 12-May-17 09:48:41

"Swearing at your children is abusive araiwa."

when did this happen? muttering under your breath in a different room is not swearing at your kids

NavyandWhite Fri 12-May-17 09:50:23

Swearing is abusive? Rightio. I'd better call SS and hand my kids over then.

SecretNetter Fri 12-May-17 09:52:20

Explaining to them both that you love them sounds lovely op...but probably not particularly helpful at a time when you're trying to leave the house or drop them off somewhere.

The 'worst' cases I've witnessed of children becoming distressed when left is when the adult is covering them with kisses and hugs and 'mummy loves you, I won't be long, try not to be upset' type comments - it only escalates matters.

Bright and breezy, quick kiss, 'see you later!' and then leave and shut the door/walk away.

JigglyTuff Fri 12-May-17 09:52:22

Don't be so ridiculous Navy. But yes, I think you might want to have a look at your parenting. Swearing at your children isn't great

HappyFlappy Fri 12-May-17 09:52:40

How old are your children?

Is something perhaps happening with the childminder? i.e. Could she be sharp with them when you aren't there? (Do they seem relaxed with her?) Could another child be upsetting (not necessarily bullying) them? Does the c/m have children of her own there that might be getting away with picking on your two?

Topas0117 Fri 12-May-17 09:53:54

More info is needed.. How is DH usually? Are you soft? Do you pander to their every whim? Are they ever disciplined?

NavyandWhite Fri 12-May-17 09:56:49

Yeah me and millions of other parents need to look at ourselves for saying the odd swear word under our breath.

There's a huge difference between swearing at your child in an aggressive manner ie " I'm sick of the sight of you, you fucking little twat " and " Ffs get your shoes on already " as of yet I haven't resorted to the former.

Cel982 Fri 12-May-17 09:58:58

maybe he is right and you are letting your kids walk all over you and bully.

The children are 3 and 2, araiwa hmm They're not 'bullying* her, they've got normal separation anxiety which isn't being helped by a partner who sounds impatient and intolerant.

blueskyinmarch Fri 12-May-17 10:04:20

I am wondering why he didn’t jump out of bed in order to help you with them both rather than giving out and cussing at you? He sounds like a dickwad.

Garlicansapphire Fri 12-May-17 10:08:49

It isn't possible for 2 and 3 yr olds to be bullies. There may be a case for being a little firmer with lots of love, but his behaviour being irascible and swearing, is part of the problem. You both need to be adopting the same loving but firm line. They will always run to you if he continues.

runloganrun101 Fri 12-May-17 10:10:26

If you're undermining his every parental move, I'm not surprised he's upset. It's not right to have a punishing parent and an indulgent parent - you should both be a mixture of both. It's certainly not right to question his parenting in front of the kids.

How is your relationship like otherwise?

Devorak Fri 12-May-17 10:11:52

He's abusive and a bully and you should leave the bastard.

I didn't even need to read you post. I was on your side as soon as I realised he was a man. What a wanker.

runloganrun101 Fri 12-May-17 10:16:06

If you're undermining his every parental move, I'm not surprised he's upset. It's not right to have a punishing parent and an indulgent parent - you should both be a mixture of both. It's certainly not right to question his parenting in front of the kids.

How is your relationship like otherwise?

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