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Sister upset my DD isn't named after our mum

(175 Posts)
Confuseddragonfish Thu 11-May-17 22:11:11

A bit of backstory to this. Our mum died when we were kids. Sis doesn't remember much about her but idolises her. I remember more and I miss her and I love her but I remember her for who she was which was a troubled rather odd woman.

So while I was pregnant DP and I had a list of potential names for DD depending on which name suited her once she was born. We did consider my mum's name at this time but I was unsure about it.

DD was born a couple of weeks ago I had an emergency c-section and some complications so we were in hospital till 2 days ago. We decided not to use my mum's name. I don't think DD suits it anyway but mostly I want DD to have a name which isn't associated with my mum and give her, her own identity.

My sister has visited twice since DD was born. Once in the hospital with my dad, step mum and brother and once in hospital with my step mum and aunt. Both times she has been very uninterested but I put that down to her being a teenager who isn't really into babies.

Anyway my dad, step mum and siblings visited today. My sister was again uninterested. I asked her to pass me something and she shouted me to get it myself. This made DD cry. My sister said for God sake shut it up and stormed out.

I was a bit upset but the rest of us carried on like nothing had happened. The rest of the family left and then my sister came back saying she wanted an honest chat.
She told me she hates DDs name and is upset that it isn't our mum's name. I said I didn't think it suited DD but I was sorry she was upset. I also mentioned that at least this way it leaves my mum's name for my sister to use if she has kids.

My sister said that it wasn't good enough she was really upset about it. She doesn't want to use mum's name and she probably won't have kids anyway so she wanted me to carry on the name. She then told me that I had really hurt her and we couldn't recover from this. Then DD wanted feeding and she sighed and said she was leaving.

She has agreed to come and visit tomorrow to talk about it more.
I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't want DD to have mum's name but sister is so upset and I feel so guilty because I have upset her.

So AIBU to not use mum's name even though it upsets my sister so much. I don't know how to explain to her about it.

Wando1986 Thu 11-May-17 22:13:26

Is your sister actually a teenager? Are you seriously asking aibu? It's your child. You call her what you damn well want.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Thu 11-May-17 22:14:31

What Wando said. Name your baby what you like and tell her to grow up.

Siwdmae Thu 11-May-17 22:15:29

I thi she's built your mum up to be something she wasn't and is overreacting massively. Is she upset at losing your attention now she's no longer the 'baby'? I empathise, been there, done that, but I think she's being horrible and needs to grow up and realise that you have a dd who will be your priority now. Reassure her that you still love her and will still spend time with her, but she needs to know that the way she is behaving is unfair and immature.

SenoritaViva Thu 11-May-17 22:16:43

Of course yanbu! Agree with above poster, is she actually a teenager? I think she needs some professional help to talk through her feelings.

elephantscansing Thu 11-May-17 22:17:40

Name your baby what you want. Your suster is being a selfish, immature arse.

StarryCorpulentCunt Thu 11-May-17 22:17:47

I would point out that if your mum cared about things like that, one of you would be named after your grandmother. (provided that you are not of course) But YANBU, I hate this naming babies after parents/grandparents. I wanted my kids to have their own identity and my mum would kill me if I named a child after her. She hates her first name.

Mothervulva Thu 11-May-17 22:17:56

Not sure I'd grant her an audience if she was going to be so difficult. You've just had a baby, you don't need that.

GooseFriend Thu 11-May-17 22:18:46

I think you have a very strong reason not to call your baby after your mum when your mum doesn't have entirely delightful resonance for you. I don't like making after anyway but yanbu!!

caz323 Thu 11-May-17 22:19:11

It's your sister's problem - not yours. Congratulations on DD, btw.

chastenedButStillSmiling Thu 11-May-17 22:19:18

Yes, what Wando and Tali said, but your DSis is grieving. Your baby will carry your mum's genes, and elements of your mum can and will live on through her. You can gently point that out to your sister. In time, maybe there will be physical resemblances (at some point maybe the two/three of you could look at old photos together to spot them).

Your Dsis doesn't actually know she's not going to have kids if she's still a teenager.

She's grieving and sad. And probably quite jealous.
And your priority is your baby.

But this doesn't need to be a rift, and I'm sure you can be kind and your sister will get over it. I hope so, in any case.

Congrats on your baby.

Lemonnaise Thu 11-May-17 22:19:27

Your sister is being absolutely ridiculous. If your mums name is so important to her, then like you said, she can use it if she so wishes. Why does she think she has the right to dictate to you on something so important? Why does she think she has this power? She needs to be told in no uncertain terms to back off. Are you afraid of upsetting her?

lelapaletute Thu 11-May-17 22:19:41

You know very well your sister is the one being unreasonable. She's your daughter, you call her what you damn well please.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that both when your mum was alive due to her troubles, and after she died due to her absence, you have assumed an honorary parent role towards your baby sister. I know several troubled/bereaved families where this is the case, and the eldest daughter's relationship to her you her siblings is more parental than sisterly. It does your credit, but you can't afford to keep subsuming yourself in your sister's emotional problems or indulging her bad behaviour - you have a little life to think about now you really ARE responsible for. I imagine that fact feeds in to your sister's tantrum - she relies on you, and now she's going to have to share you and come second to your baby. Reassure her you love her and are there for her by all means, but do you let her bully you!

SiouxieQ Thu 11-May-17 22:19:49

You need to stop pandering to her bull shit. Harsh but you're teaching her she can manipulate people by throwing her toys out of the pram if things don't go her way.
"Shut it up"?! I'd kick her arse out and tell her she can come back when she apologises for being so vile about a tiny baby.

StarCrossdSkys Thu 11-May-17 22:19:58

The birth of your daughter has just brought home to your sister even more what she's been missing in not having her mum around. She's young and upset and it's probably not really about the name at all. I would reassure her that you miss your mum a lot too and just give her a shoulder to cry on. You're moving on to a new stage in your life and that could be making her feel a bit more alone, like she's lost her mum and now she's losing you as well.

Bettyspants Thu 11-May-17 22:20:05

She's behaving like a brat ! Congratulations on DD , I hope your sisters behaviour doesn't affect those early days enjoyment after such a worrying start flowers

ohfourfoxache Thu 11-May-17 22:20:09

She is behaving like a spoiled little brat shock

She said shut "it" up? That's her niece FFS shock How DARE she say that?

Sorry but I'm shocked at how nasty she's been about this

rollonthesummer Thu 11-May-17 22:21:03

How old is your sister? I wouldn't be discussing this with her any more-she needs to get a grip.

Confuseddragonfish Thu 11-May-17 22:21:27

My sister is 17. Our brother is 8 (should have explained he is our stepbrother really) so I don't think it's about being the baby.
I guess she might be upset at losing my attention as we were close growing up though we have drifted apart in the last couple of years.

owenjonesismyhero Thu 11-May-17 22:21:32

So she's uninterested in your DD but wants her to have your mum's name and she can't get past it?

This would really piss me off. Tell her to grow up.

doodlejump1980 Thu 11-May-17 22:21:51

We went through this too, but ended up having boys, so the decision was taken out of our hands. In a way, I'm glad. There are plenty of other ways to mark a loved ones passing and the impact they had on your life, but giving a very tiny new little person the burden/legacy to live up to/ something to always explain, is a big ask.
It's very true what they say, "your past is a lesson, not a life sentence".
flowers for your new wee baby smile

Yellowbird54321 Thu 11-May-17 22:22:35

Congratulations on the birth of your DD flowers and totally what MotherVulva said.

Inertia Thu 11-May-17 22:22:36

You really should not be considering whether you are being unreasonable here- your sister is completely in the wrong! Of course you can't make life-changing decisions about your baby according to your sister's teenage whims and tantrums!

It sounds as though your sister may have serious unresolved grief issues which she needs professional help with (or else she's astonishingly self-absorbed and lacking in empathy).

GnatsChuff Thu 11-May-17 22:25:16

She doesn't want to use the name herself, yet you are unreasonable for not wanting to use it?! confused

Call your baby whatever you want. Your DSis will grow up and understand in time.

I hesitate to suggest it, but would your mum's name work as a middle name? Would that help reduce her upset?

flowers for both the loss of your mum and the birth of your baby.

LivininaBox Thu 11-May-17 22:25:37

I don't think now is the time for you to be focusing on this, you've just has a baby! I would cancel her tomorrow, say you have a medical appt or something. Then write her a kind but firm letter acknowledging that she is grieving and perhaps the birth has brought up difficult feelings, but pointing out that her behaviour was out of line

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