AIBU to think he's never going to propose?!(137 Posts)
I've been with my Partner for 7 years.
We met at sixth form, went to separate Uni's, did our Masters together and moved back to our home town.
We now own a beautiful 3 bed detached home together (both have 50% share).
I am 25 and he is 24 so still quite young, I guess.
But now I feel like it's time we progressed our relationship further.
We have talked about getting married and he says that "when we get married we're going to do it properly- church and hotel reception!"
I don't think he's scared of committing or that we're too young to be married due to the way he talks about marriage when it comes up in conversation.
I've spoken to him about it and said we don't have to do it all extravagantly. We could even go to vegas and do it! (Half joking)
He says we will get married when the time is right and to stop "badgering" him about it.
I'd just love to be his wife and it kind of hurts that he has no sign of proposing!
I'd give yourself a time frame where you don't mention at all - maybe a year. If there's still no sign then I would be looking at my options.
Are you hoping to have children? Do you want to be married first?
Also how often are you mentioning it?
The thing about waiting for a man to propose is that you're left in a fairly obedient position, where the other person calls the shots. It's not equal if one of you is ultimately going to be the one to decide when you're going to make that next step. Like the previous person said, make up your own mind about where you are in life right now, what you want, and how long you're prepared to wait for it. Then, I think you need to decide to either propose yourself during or at the end of that time, or else you're still letting your other half have the deciding vote by letting tradition steer your future.
We have talked about kids as we'd both love some- he thinks he's too young to be a dad at the moment but he'd like to start trying in a year or two and I said I won't have babies until we're married.
I'm not really mentioning it that much. Not like proper sit down conversations. Only really when it comes up in passing or on the TV. Maybe a couple of times a month at most! Usually just the "Aw, I can't wait to get married".... sort of thing.
We've probably had about 2 proper conversations about it in the last year.
I think he thought I was being silly. He said that loads of people have children before marriage these days and that it doesn't make any difference if we were married or not. The child would still have two parents that loves them and wanted them. I said that I would want to give up work to be a SAHM and that it would leave me vulnerable if we weren't married. He then seemed a bit insulted and said that he'd never leave me or the child in a bad position.
Either propose to him or ask him when he is going to propose. Why does he get to decide this? Maybe tell him that you'll wait a year but if he does not propose you don't think he is taking this relationship seriously.
He'll get angry but who cares, after seven years he knows if he is going to propose or not.
If he doesn't then leave.
I actually ended up proposing but I didn't realise. I asked DH when we were getting married, he told me he didn't want a big fuss. I asked him" do you WANT to marry me. Which he thought was a proposal. Ah well ok, I'll just set the date then.
On the other hand my ex kept stringing me along for years! Don't let that happen to you.
To be honest, i think the whole concept of the woman waiting for a man to propose belongs to a time when people didn't live together before marriage. Surely it is a question of two people arriving at a decision to get married and then doing the deed. What does he mean about 'when the time is right'? Why should he have the final say?
If he'll never leave you in a bad position then he can show it by marrying you....
A marriage isn't just a piece of paper. Loo roll is just a piece of paper and I assume that he would happily hand you that.
Propose to him. If he says no you have your answer if he says yes, then you also have your answer and you're getting married. But set a time frame if he says yes.
How would I go about proposing though? We wouldn't like the whole strewn rose petals, candle light and me getting down on one knee thing. And I'd be worried that if I just came out and asked him after cooking dinner one weekend that he'd think I was just talking and not seriously asking him.
You're young enough to be able to let this run for now, but just reiterate that you won't start a family until after the wedding.
You're still very young, I wouldnt be issuing ultimatums yet. How about just enjoy this happy relationship, he has said all the right things so far and if it comes up in conversation about having children again just reiterate it would be after getting married.
Agree about reiterating the baby convo. If he doesn't care either way and you do, your need trumps his indifference
I think that you have proposed already really if you have said that you would like to get married. So far, he has turned you down. Perhaps that is because he feels he is too young. It's odd that he would be happy to have children with you in a year or two though as to me that is more of a commitment. Ultimately you'll have to decide if he is stringing you along or if he just feels he is too young at the moment.
I know a couple like you who got together when they were 18. He proposed after 10 years and they've now been very happily married for 9 years. I can imagine that 24 still feels young to him for getting married.
Definitely stand firm about not having a baby until you're married though (unless you are prepared to return to work full time). You're in such a vulnerable situation (financially speaking) otherwise.
"it doesn't make any difference if we were married or not"
He is wrong about this.
Read up on the legal (and consequently financial) differences between marriage and cohabitation.
Start here: www.mumsnet.com/relationships/legal-rights-for-unmarried-couples
I was in a similar position- at 24 we'd been together for 7 years and dh was 29.
We also had a house and he showed absolutely no sign at all of proposing. I was at the point of leaving. He did not have age as an excuse!!
He did propose, and I don't know if he knows how close I was to ending it.
So I suppose what I'm saying is that it's not exactly impossible that he could propose even after 7 years. But (and it's a huge but) do not under any circumstances be "persuaded" to have dc before marriage if that isn't what you want to do.
I know all of the legal implications of marriage and tried to explain a few but it fell of deaf ears.
It's just hurtful that marriage doesn't make a difference to him and means to world to me.
OP - don't propose to him. You sound like you want him to do it and if you jump the gun you may regret it long-term. He may also regret never having had the chance to do it "properly".
You are both young. There's no point rushing him into marriage and babies. You don't want to be the one left "holding the baby" and you need to know he's ready. If you propose to him, you may not be so sure. You've already made some big commitments with the house etc and I'm sure he'll propose in good time. Good luck!
You don't have to sit and wait for this. He says "when the time is right". Fine but he isn't the decision maker. By which I mean the "time" being "right" isn't something he gets to decide unilaterally. If being married before starting to try for kids is what you want, then saying that is essentially a "proposal", surely. Chinnygirl is correct - if he's all for 'doing right' by you and baby then there's no reason not to get married.
There's no reason to sit and wait passively. We're not little women. If this is your deal breaker, tell him.
What Mexxi said - why does anyone have to "propose" when you already own a house together, live together, have been together several years and have told one another you intend to marry one another.
As far as reason is concerned you are already engaged, as you have agreed you will eventually marry one another - that's all being engaged actually is, a proposal is just frilly romance novel decoration on top of a preexisting commitment.
Stop dropping irritating hints and tell him you want him to be the one who decides whether to turn the life support off if you're in a car crash, not your mum and dad, and you believe he feels the same, and it is important to you to set a date for being legally one another's next of kin. If he won't, ask why not. How can you be "too young" for the legal commitment if you already live together and own property together and both believe in marriage?
Have a very honest conversation and get to the bottom of it, be absolutely clear you want a date set and won't be strung along with romantic, fluffy, out of date, silly male controlled proposal etiquette.
If he doesn't want to set a date and flounces you know where you stand and can set about separating your assets. Don't be strung along or drop hints or play games, its both a bit pathetic and probably very annoying and also gives him the idea that he has power and you have to wait and be girly-grateful.
Could be his age. My DP was like that. Together ten years but didn't feel grown up enough to get married. We're finally doing it next month - he's 37!
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