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To be offended at my mums actions?

(52 Posts)
Homebirdmama Thu 11-May-17 09:13:15

I live in a different part of the country to my family. We are actually moving back there in a couple of weeks.
I didn't realise a lot would surface about my childhood and how my mum always seemed to favourite my sister. Anyway, that's another back story. The move will be absolutely to our advantage and our toddler will have an upbringing in lovely surroundings etc.

So my sister and I our doing the same course. I passed my exams a few months ago. I have it on hold now until we move due to moving stress and also I had a big anxiety episode. My sister passed her exams last week.

I was just on the phone to my mum and she dropped in conversation that she was getting my sister a congratulations card. Well. I got so choked up I had to cut the phone call short.

I know a lot of you will probably tell me to grow up and pull up my big girls pants. This is just the latest example of favouritism I've experienced throughout my life from my mum. I think it's come as a shock because it's not happened a lot since I've lived up the country. I guess there hasn't been to many situations where it could happen if that makes sense!


Frizziee Thu 11-May-17 09:14:52

I don't get it, she is congratulating your sister in an achievement, what is wrong with that?

Crispbutty Thu 11-May-17 09:15:57

i would have said "oi! What happened to mr getting a card?"

allypally999 Thu 11-May-17 09:15:59

Only a Mum can press your buttons like this ... I have issues with mine too. I personally see why you would be upset ... your Mum sounds like a tactless, thoughtless type as is mine. Well done on your results!

RB68 Thu 11-May-17 09:18:42

Response: Oh just get her the same one you got me

chitofftheshovel Thu 11-May-17 09:19:18

Yeah, it's shit. And I guess it will get worse the closer you live together. Can you bring your lack of card up with your mum?

ItsNeverSunnyInWales Thu 11-May-17 09:19:51

flowers for you.

I know this feeling so well OP. My dsis is a year older. Was bought a car for passing her A levels. A year later I passed mine and got a 'well done' and that was it. I had a part time job and had paid for lessons, passed my test in anticipation of receiving a car too ( which I know I shouldn't have expected, but thought we'd be treated the same) but my parents decided not to. I can still remember that horrible sick feeling in my belly today.

PeaFaceMcgee Thu 11-May-17 09:20:51

Yanbu. I had / have similar and instead of letting it hurt me, have built up a mental barrier. But I don't let things go unchecked, e.g. <laugh> oh! Where was MY card? (said in mock outrage).

Mother defends her past actions by saying my sister always needed her more hmm

antimatter Thu 11-May-17 09:21:06

next time you are seeing/talking to your DM ask - I am not sure if anything happened but your congratulations card got lost in the post, when did you post it?

Frizziee Thu 11-May-17 09:21:28

Ah I miss read, I thought you had your exams on hold confusedblush

ohtheholidays Thu 11-May-17 09:22:24

I would never tell you to grow up,what your Mother is doing is very hurtful and I do get it I've been through the same with my own parents.

Well done on your pass flowers what was the course on?

Will you be living very close to your parents?Even if you are you know you only have to see them when you want to.
When you move back try and surround yourself with people that care about you and your feelings.

I know it's bloody horrible and it's a horrible feeling to be made to feel second best by your own Mother through no fault of your own but please believe me when I say this is no reflection on you as a Daughter but a very bad one on your Mum as a Mother!

Homebirdmama Thu 11-May-17 09:23:37

Frizziee- absolutely nothing wrong with that at all! I just wanted her to congratulate me in the same way to!

RB68- Wish I'd have been that quick thinking! blush

Ally- sorry you have be same issues. It's so cutting isn't it! I wish I could turn a blind eye to it I really do. I guess the plus side is I've always been so determined to ring my toddler up so differently to how she did us.

I did say to her on the phone "where was mine" but I got choked up and she just came back with "oh that's it rip me to shreds". Converstion done.

DoublyTroubly Thu 11-May-17 09:24:00

No advice but I know exactly how you feel. My sister started a new job a few weeks after me (when we were both still living at home). Not only did my mum get my sister a congratulations card, she actually asked me to sign it!

foodiefil Thu 11-May-17 09:27:35

Awful. What a horrible woman. How any mother can treat their children so differently is beyond me. Keep a note of every occasion like this so if she ever does the 'I don't know what you're talking about!' card you can say 'WELL x y z fuck you!'


DixieFlatline Thu 11-May-17 09:28:18

I did say to her on the phone "where was mine" but I got choked up and she just came back with "oh that's it rip me to shreds". Converstion done.

Tbh I'm not sure you could have done better than put the phone down at this point. She sounds like a total arsehole and her reponse speaks volumes about her and the way she must treat you. Try to distance yourself from this nonsense.

averythinline Thu 11-May-17 09:31:04


i do wonder why are you moving near her? She sounds horrible....I would go Low contact at least and concentrate on your own little family
have you had any therapy for your panic/anxiety I would suggest you do and it may help you put some good boundaries in with your mum
as things are not likely to get any better when you live closer it could just be more in your face...

have a look at the Stately home threads on mumsnet there is lts of support and help there

iseenodust Thu 11-May-17 09:34:45

Decide now while you are still at a distance how close you want the relationship between you and your mother when you are closer. It may be that she will be a great grandmother or she may play favourites with grandchildren too.

redshoeblueshoe Thu 11-May-17 09:35:13

averythinline has it nailed. why would you want your DC exposed to this. Your confidence will be crushed. I would really reconsider moving.

user3459859083590890 Thu 11-May-17 09:35:25

Oh dear. Your mother is one of those. She can treat you badly, but if you call her on it, however delicately, she comes back full-force with how cruel you are being to her. She's not the type you could discuss the issue sensibly with.

I am worried that you moving back will just increase opportunities for your mother to cause you pain.

If you must move back, please think about assertiveness, therapy, counselling and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Also agree with pp - yourself over to the Stately Homes Thread.

You need to invest some time in yourself. Building yourself up so that you won't let this crap get to you. It will be hard. You will also need to keep an eye on how your mother is with your LO. Look out for favouritism and nonsense like that.

Good luck. I know how this feels!

livefornaps Thu 11-May-17 09:39:19

Horrible & above all, manipulative. She mentioned it to goad you, and when she got the reaction she wanted, turned it on you.

I'm sure you will show your own child so much more love and support.

Some people are just toxic. Block her out

ShowOfHands Thu 11-May-17 09:39:52

My Mum arranged a family meal for my Dad's big birthday and didn't invite me. I only found out because my lovely brother was incensed and refused to go. My Mum's response? Well if you're going to be all huffy about it and turn on me <sniff>

She does it all the time. I let it go mostly. I've done nothing to warrant her behaviour and I think it's a reflection on her not me.

WashBasketsAreUs Thu 11-May-17 09:44:03

Been there, done that, although it was my brother who was the favourite. It wasn't until my mum died and the will was read we found out how much my sister and I were thought of (Not bloody much, by the look of it!)

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 11-May-17 09:44:16

I hope you aren't moving with her idea that it will change the relationship you have with her. .

user3459859083590890 Thu 11-May-17 09:50:59

Mother defends her past actions by saying my sister always needed her more

Wow. My mother has said exactly this too!!!!! Maybe it's part of the MO of these types of mother.

There is no reason why my sister should need mother more. We are equal in every way as far as I can see. The only difference I can see between us, is my sister is more easily sucked into mum's emotional vortex and the drama. Whereas I've always tended to distance myself from drama and even as a child felt on the outside looking into my mother's tantrums and manipulations.

Interestingly, my sister was living abroad and doing absolutely fine until mum showed up to live with her and now my sister is a broken alcoholic who is so depressed. I believe I'd be the same way if my mum and I were living together today. Nothing on earth would induce me to live with mum ever again. I'd happily pay for her to live somewhere, but just not with me!

SunsetGrigio Thu 11-May-17 09:51:05

Oh her response says it all sad

I'd definitely preempt issues by keeping a physical distance once you move and trying to put up a bit of an emotional barrier to it because she won't change now.

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