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Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

(349 Posts)
SooSmith Thu 11-May-17 08:45:40

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 11-May-17 08:47:16

YANBU. But it's not for you to tell his ex that. He should be handling the situation himself. They should come to an agreement for visitation that works for both their work schedules. Their contact time should be spent with their dad.

2014newme Thu 11-May-17 08:50:10

Yanbu
His kids,he looks after them. Go about your normal business let him get on with it. I'd time hairdressing, shopping, meeting friends for when he has his kids.

flapjackfairy Thu 11-May-17 08:51:59

Are you living with him then ?
Thats how it reads . In which case why are you moving him in with his kids part time after 6 months?
I would tell him to get his own place and deal with his own kids! Way too much too soon esp with kids of your own !

kissmethere Thu 11-May-17 08:53:05

You've only just started seeing him and you're now the third hand in their childcare? Wtf. You did the right thing he is taking the piss! Does she know that he's not around and leaving the childcare to you? What did she do when you said that to her?

flapjackfairy Thu 11-May-17 08:53:28

In fact not even 6 months !

Cocklodger Thu 11-May-17 08:54:19

You moved in together in 2 months and have only been together for 6 but it's like this now? Jesus OP.
LTB. They sound bonkers

HerOtherHalf Thu 11-May-17 08:55:19

Of course you shouldn't be looking after them, they are not your kids and you've only just met the father. The whole set-up sounds terrible TBH. Why would you move in together after only being in a relationship for 3 months, especially when you have children? Why would his ex trust someone he has only known for a few months to look after her kids?

Do you really need all this grief?

FlossyMooToo Thu 11-May-17 08:57:02

Loads of things are wrong in this situation.
Why do adults put the needs of children second to their needs to embark on a new relationship hmm

You are wrong.
He is wrong.
The ex is wrong.

Poor kids stuck in the middle sad

VerySadInside Thu 11-May-17 08:57:49

YABU!

I can't believe you've introduced children to someone you've only dated since Christmas let alone moved them in with him. That's 2 months!

Outrageous!

You must barely even know hom. How can you trust him in your house? Did your kids even get a decision if they wanted this stranger to move in?

Quite frankly if you called SS I'd hope they'd look into your behaviour.

Happyfeet1972 Thu 11-May-17 08:58:58

No you're not bu, he sounds like he's using you tbh...and given you've only been with him 5 months you probably can't be sure whether he is or not. I don't at all disagree with what you're doing now but this all could have been avoided if you hadn't rushed things. The kids must be so confused....yours too I guess given their mum moved a man in after 4 months of dating..but his must be seriously confused.

Tell him to find a solution or to move out.

lalaloopyhead Thu 11-May-17 09:16:37

Ok, on the off chance this is true....YABU

You moved you and your kids in with someone you have been seeing since Christmas?
You slammed the door in your DPs kids face?
Would Dp look after your kids if you needed it?
So many things wrong here, I am really hoping its a wind up.

KungFuEric Thu 11-May-17 09:17:43

You've known this man a matter of weeks, and he know is a full time resident with your children? I'm reading that right? Christ.

2014newme Thu 11-May-17 09:18:52

The relationship is doomed. Cut your losses and move on.

NoMoreBones Thu 11-May-17 09:21:18

Well You are not being unreasonable to not want to be childcare but there are better ways of going about it than shutting the door in their face.
In an emergency would your bf help out with your kids? Because if you would expect him to then it works both ways.

Italiangreyhound Thu 11-May-17 09:22:14

YANBU, he should not be using you as child care.

But I do agree with others, it is very fast to be living together.

If he is living with you is he contributing to the home. Did he present it as 'I can't be without you' or 'It's crazy to be paying two lots of rent/mortgage' etc or did you?

Either way as others have said it is way too soon to be living together. Your kids will begin to see him as a dad figure but after such a short time you can't know whether this will last.

In your shoes I would use these issues with his kids and ex to take a step back, get him out and he can get into his own place. Where was he living before? He can parent his own kids, you yours and when you get together it should really be for fun and bonding times not just because someone has to work. It's good that you've all got jobs and I can see how that makes child care difficult etc but just as your kids will see him as a dad figure there is a risk his kids will see you as a mum figure, it's all too early. IMHO.

SparklyMagpie Thu 11-May-17 09:22:17

Jesus Christ. Poor children all round being thrown into this

BitOutOfPractice Thu 11-May-17 09:23:37

Once again another person who has rushed into the whole moving in etc shit after 5 minutes together and then moaning that things aren't going as planned.

Nothing wrong with a whirlwind romance, but FFS there's kids involved. Including your own OP who no doubt witnessed the unedifying sight of you slamming the door in these children's faces.

YANBU in not wanting to be free childcare. YABVU in how you're handling it

expatinscotland Thu 11-May-17 09:25:07

You've known each other 5 minutes and already he's living with you and your children and expecting you to provide childcare. There is SO much wrong with this, and it's mostly on the part of him and you. Poor kids.

Second thread on here featuring parents who put their own desire for a live-in relationship above their own kids.

PeaFaceMcgee Thu 11-May-17 09:25:36

Why the hell did you let someone MOVE into your home with your children after mere weeks?! This is insane.

He just wants you for childcare, love.

2014newme Thu 11-May-17 09:26:21

@bitoutofpractice there do seem to be a lot of them around who shack up straight away and then say "how was i to know it wouldn't work out" before they move in with the next one. And so it goes on. Honestly some women make such crap relationship decisions you want to give them a head wobble.

PeaFaceMcgee Thu 11-May-17 09:29:41

It's because they think they're in love and don't want to be lonely. Low self-esteem. Some feckless men zone in on these poor targets like a missile.

There's no way a decent man would move in on a young family so quickly and dump his kids on them too.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 11-May-17 09:29:46

Why don't you take a massive short cut to sorting everything out and dump him right now?

You barely know him and he barely knows you. He's a shit Dad and a user who clearly thinks one of the main benefits of being in a realtionship is that he can stop worrying about laydeez things like childcare, because it's suddenly your responsibility. It's not - this will get worse - and it tells you a lot you clearly still don't know about him - so dump.

His ex - no I wouldn't be AT ALL happy if my children's dad announced he was working and his girlfriend of a couple of months was taking over contact time, so no glory for her here either.

But you too, as others have said. What are you THINKING?!! You have known this bloke since Christmas. No time at all. Now he is full time resident with your kids, and here come his kids immediately into the mix?! Ironically seems at the moment the main thing you actually know about him is that he's pretty shit at being a committed Dad. Ooh great.

You've got the right idea about him but look at what you're doing too. Kick him out for all the reasons above and move on. And, a big big part of choosing wisely is WAITING - actually getting to KNOW what someone is like by actually putting in the hours (the months and even years, more like) before you insert them into your kids' lives.

If you'd waited to introduce this guy, you'd have seen this side of him before your kids even met him and you'd have protected them from the upheaval of him moving in then immediately out.

LovingLola Thu 11-May-17 09:32:33

And please don't even consider having a baby with this man.

expatinscotland Thu 11-May-17 09:32:34

Yeah, the second he texted me to go home and look after his kids, it'd be over. And LOL @ his thinking he can go to the football and you'll look after his kids. He's a cocklodging twat.

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