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Aibu to think a sex issue may be the least of our problems ?

(80 Posts)
Anon5678943 Thu 11-May-17 02:36:18

N/c .. Oh god where do I start. So ive had an issue with dh lately, we have been together for over 3 years, living together for 2 married for 18month.
Here's some back story, sorry this is long really don't want to drip feed
After we lived together for about 6 month ( around
Our wedding )we started becoming very lax with contraception, and used the pulling out method. We knew this wasn't very effective but we felt stable enough that it wouldn't be a problem if something was to happen and we were married after all it wouldn't be the craziest.

Lately our circumstances have changed financially and I wasn't happy anymore with if an accident was to happen. I went on the pill and every one I tried was stopping my period with other pills having strong side effects. The stopped periods were more stressful than the pulling out method all together.

I finally had enough and said we would have to move to condoms for the near future until I can adjust my cycle back to normal and work out better contraception. He wasn't that happy about it but I was kind of like tough shit and so we moved on.

At first they worked fine no problems at all. Then it started becoming a problem and he would lose his erection. I was very patient and we would do other things instead. He then started getting more annoyed at the condoms saying "he can't feel anything at all". I thought he was just being stubborn and waiting for me to go fine we will just pull out again, I stood my ground we bought different types and brands in case that was the issue but no.

One time during sex he pulled the condom off and I didn't realise, he told me like 5 seconds later and I made him stop and I told him I wasn't happy at all, he was joking around and not taking it serious.
He thinks because pulling out worked so well it's fine, I've said it's not worth the risk at this point in our lives, and said he is being a huge baby about it.

The condom issue got worse and worse to the point I was dreading initiating sex, he had already stopped initiating it all together which was making me feel pretty shit tbh, every time I even tried he'd make excuses or moan, it was a lot of rejection. I explained to him that it was making me feel insecure and that we used to use condoms all the time and I don't see the problem, he said he understood and didnt want me to be upset and he would try harder to fix it.

So here we are tonight, we got in bed, he had left our heating on and the bedroom was so hot so I put the fan on, I said am just going to cool down then we could start initiating something, he grunted or something and was already in a shitty mood and acting pretty miserable. He was dozing and I shook him awake and said like heyyy kind of thing, he starts his whole show the rolling the eyes, snapped like 5 times he was sleeping, I said like yeah sorry I know if you want to sleep we can just go back to sleep. Then he goes on no its fine i suppose.
So then we get to it the whole time rolling his eyes sighing clearing not enjoying it at all, I said if you're not enjoying it we can stop he snaps "I just can't feel anything" then rambles on how I woke him up and he's pissed off. This has been building up for weeks and I am now full on feeling like shit about myself.
He's not giving me a solution of what we can try and I start getting upset.
He snaps that I'm being unstable and crazy and trying to start a fight.
Then a huge fight starts and it's one of them that stops being a fight about anything and just goes on and on and spirals, I'm very much trying to keep it about the issue and he just goes off on one.
I've noticed whenever I get upset or annoyed about something he will belittle it and dismiss it " oh you're annoyed again you're always annoyed " he kept saying that nothing was ever my fault in my head. He ties me in so many knots that I get confused and I don't even know what I'm thinking any longer.
Whenever I said something he would then kind of twist it and then reflect exactly what I just said back to me and it's confused me so much.
I've found myself being careful at what I react to and just ignoring him a lot to not provoke any more of a fight, I have been easily annoyed in the past and opinionated but I have really tried to change that and now I still feel like even a built up reaction which I believe has reason he judges and belittles. I don't know what to do, it's all so confusing and muddled
How do I solve this?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 11-May-17 02:39:20

If someone pulled a condom off without telling me, knowing I wouldn't consent to sex without one, I would class that as sexual assault. He would never be in a position to have sex with me again.

Does he do anything else that is abusive?

HelenaDove Thu 11-May-17 02:42:31

This is rape op. There was actually an article about it that went online today.

Anon5678943 Thu 11-May-17 02:42:58

Nothing else abusive, at that point I hadn't really emphasised the importance that we'd be using condoms from now on. He thought it'd be fine to go to pulling out and he told me straight away but like I said I wasn't happy and stopped it. He felt really bad and apologised loads and I don't think he'd ever do it again but just it wasnt a good move from.him in the first place

VerySadInside Thu 11-May-17 02:43:32

Kinda sounds like you had sex and he didn't really want to in a way that he doesn't really like. I would be upset in that situation to.
He should understand that safe sex is important but I get that if he is losing erections mid shag that would be quite emasculating and out of his control. Have you tried non hormonal contraception? Or other barrier methods eg. diaphragm.

Anon5678943 Thu 11-May-17 02:46:07

A few days before was when I just mentioned maybe we should start and use condoms, I hadn't really thought it through properly yet, we found a random one and we were having sex and it kept unrolling and I said oh it's fine just take it off but I'll get some new ones and we can go from there. So the next time when he didn't feel anything he didn't think anything of taking it off, but he definitely knows now as I wasn't happy at all.

HelenaDove Thu 11-May-17 02:46:19

Here OP..............

HelenaDove Thu 11-May-17 02:49:10

An earlier article.

You telling him its fine sounds like you being resigned to giving in for a quiet life.

HelenaDove Thu 11-May-17 02:50:53

There is always non PIV sex Very Sad.

You were still assaulted OP.

Anon5678943 Thu 11-May-17 02:57:13

Thats the thing I never go for the giving in for quiet life am just too stubborn for that normally, I just felt like it was a sensitive thing and I didn't want to push it and make him feel bad, if I had of known this would be an issue every time I absolutely would not have given in , looking at non hormone contraception now, I'll check those articles put, I do know he crossed a massive line and he knows too.we have done the non piv quite a lot as I was trying to compromise on it without compromising on contraception. We used to use condoms a lot which is why I was frustrated at why he's making a fuss now

Anon5678943 Thu 11-May-17 02:59:30

I actually do remember reading about this, it just seems so far away from what happened with us, I don't think he did it for the thrill of it or anything more just a mindless thing but honestly I really let him know thats not okay and as soon as it dawned on him he felt awful

diodati Thu 11-May-17 03:03:30

I'm going to get shot down for this but I don't care.

I think it was very selfish of you to insist on condoms being your only contraceptive option. Your partner clearly hates them but you insist that they're the only solution. He gets no pleasure from penetration wearing one and has made this abundantly clear. Why haven't you discussed alternative methods instead of allowing this unhappiness to ferment and ultimately damage your relationship?

Anon5678943 Thu 11-May-17 03:07:25

@diodati to be honest in my after thought huffing reflection I am thinking this.
I guess because we had used them for long periods of time in the past before with no issues that it was fine and i assumed he was just being a baby about it. I am seeing how I have put him in a bad situation

JJBum Thu 11-May-17 03:12:04

He took a condom off presuming consent you haven't given. Not great.

You pushed for sex, even though he was clearly tired, grumpy and not in the mood. Not great.

lalalalyra Thu 11-May-17 03:18:46

You're not using a different brand to what you used to use are you?

We discovered, uncomfortably, recently that two condom brands we used to use have changed something. One had me running for the shower as it burned and the other DH said made his penis feel numb (and he's not at it as he's the one insisting on condoms atm).

Have you discussed/tried any other options? Coil, cap, even female condoms might have a different result or if you've ruled out children/more children then something more permanent?

Have to say though, anyone waking me from sleep for sex would get the short shrift. That's not really on from either party imo, it sounds like you've both got into the habit of being snappy and that's really easy to get in too and quite hard to get out of (we've just come out a similar period).

Marmalady75 Thu 11-May-17 03:36:32

He doesn't like using condoms so you have to pump your body full of synthetic hormones or have a medical procedure? hmm

GnomeDePlume Thu 11-May-17 04:16:08

You both sound very unhappy and this sounds like a no win situation at the moment. Hormone contraception doesnt work for you and barrier method doesnt work for him.

If he does find condoms desensitising then he shouldnt be pushed into having sex which he doesnt enjoy any more than a woman shouldnt be pushed into having sex she doesnt enjoy.

You both need to start communicating with each other. Try to find some time to have an honest conversation with each other away from a time/place where sex is on the agenda. Make this a practical problem you both need to resolve rather than one where one of you imposes a solution on the other.

Hidingtonothing Thu 11-May-17 04:26:45

I'd really like to know what's changed that he's having these problems with condoms when he never did before?

Bue Thu 11-May-17 04:29:25

You're both behaving badly. You need to find something that works for you BOTH. Condoms are clearly not the right method for you as a couple and it is quite selfish if you're suggesting it's the only option.

Diaphragm? Natural family planning (very effective if done correctly)?

savagehk Thu 11-May-17 04:39:25

I would also suggest investigating natural family planning - I think this is the most comprehensive website:

savagehk Thu 11-May-17 04:41:01

... But yes, the end of your post suggests there's other things not right here. You need mutual respect and discussion/compromise in any relationship.

Sleepdeprivedredhead Thu 11-May-17 06:05:05

You're right. Sex isn't the problem neither of you appears to have much respect or consideration in the situations you have described, they happen to be during sex but you have to have zero respect to ignore your partners feelings and wishes. That's a huge issue that rarely gets sorted. So why the lack of mutual respect?

waybalooo Thu 11-May-17 06:25:38

Op I came off the pill a year ago. We are using an app called ovia fertility. It's designed to help people ttc but we use it for the opposite reason! It's been effective so far! And we are a couple who have succeeded in conceiving first time every time in the past.
You put your dates in and it calculates ovulation and a 6 day fertility window. We just avoid the fertility window! Good luck

haveacupoftea Thu 11-May-17 06:32:44

I don't think a sex issue is the least of your problems. Sex problems are significant problems and the pair of you need to realise this and address it before it gets worse.

picklemepopcorn Thu 11-May-17 06:36:57

Is the reason you are now keen to avoid conceiving relevent to this?

There's a lot going on there! If everything is as you have described, I wouldn't rush to the sexual assault/stealth ing conclusion. It sounds as though he could genuinely have thought it would be OK given your previous experience together.

You have got a tense situation built up though.

I would be very grumpy if someone woke me up for sex. That didn't sound like his enthusiastic consent to me. He feels you are always right and annoyed.

MAYBE he is right and he is feeling coerced and controlled in your relationship.

You feel like you are walking on eggshells and everything you say is twisted, so maybe he is being bad tempered and controlling.

Sort out contraception you can use- I'd say diaphragm.

Think about counselling and how you communicate, see if you can improve things- this isn't good for either of you.

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