MIL and baby, again.(96 Posts)
Everyone loves a MIL thread, especially when it is written by a hormonal pregnant woman. However, I do get on with my MIL and think she is a wonderful woman. This is entirely situational and could be about anyone. Unfortunately it concerns her.
This is my second child, OHs first.
I've made two before:
1. MIL wanted to be first to see new baby, despite being told my DS will be. He's 6, has had numerous life changes including starting school while moving in to rented accommodation with my OH, moving in to a house a year later and then becoming a big brother 9 months after that. It was the one thing I had promised. If I were on the ward before afternoon visiting DS would be the only visitor for that one hour and everyone else can come that night. If I were on the ward before evening visiting then I'd ask if DS can get in earlier so everyone else can still come for the evening (elcs, so more certainty over timings). She wasn't happy and wanted to be first, while I was in recovery. This issue resolved itself, DS is first and that's that.
2. MIL 'volunteered' to take a week of annual leave after OHs two weeks paternity ran out. I don't want this. I don't want anyone to come to the house every day while I'm adjusting to life with two, newborn routines, establishing feeding etc. Told MIL it wasn't needed but she could save the time for summer and spend days alone with both kids etc. Was thankful for the offer but made my point clear.
My issue is with nunber 2 again. MIL came to the house tonight and tells me she's putting annual leave in for that third week. She will come over first thing and put DS on the school bus then stay all day to 'help' before getting DS from school and so on. It's a generous offer but as I said I don't want anyone to come for that bloody long for 5 days.
It has already been agreed with my parents that my dad will do the school run for DS. He is self employed and has no jobs thus far that week, if he does my sister will step in. Before my mat leave they already done every school run (for the two years of school, due to mine and OHs work. This isn't new and the only change is DS having breakfast at home while I'm on mat leave as opposed to their house. When I return to work DS will continue with this routine) and so it's not too much disruption to DS established routine, which I want to keep as consistent as possible. My dad or sister will arrive 5 minutes before the bus, take DS and go home. They'll ask if anything needs done but won't stay for the full day. After school they'll bring him home and possibly stay for a coffee. If I need anything done I only need to phone.
During the day I get to bond with baby, establish routine and feeding.
I have no problems with someone coming over for an hour or two, when it suits, but not staying 8-4 for 5 days. That's too much, regardless of who they are. I've already told my parents and sister they will not be over every day and that's that. I am very introverted and have social anxiety. I cannot socialise with people for long periods of time on a normal day, never mind 3 weeks pp.
But now MIL has gone and booked the leave for this purpose. OH even said I didn't want someone over every day and SIL piped up "she wants to spend time with her grandson". I understand she does and I'd have no objection to lunch two or three times that week, coming over for a coffee after work and so on, but not every day for five fucking days.
I feel so cross she has disregarded what I said and booked the leave anyway. I will also feel like a shit if she needlessly wastes leave now.
OH has just said we will need to tell her that she won't be over all day every day and won't be doing DS morning school run (DS has a tendancy to act up in unusual circumstances and this would make for tense and shitty mornings all round).
As I've said it's not about not wanting her to come over per say, it's about not wanting anyone over for that period of time and it just so happens to be her. I have no objection to people seeing baby and will accommodate as best I can, they're excited and it's understandable but I cannot cope with what has been proposed.
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and genuinely feel like crying over this. Aibu to be so stressed and against the idea, not MIL hate but situation hate basically? Should I grin and bear it, as they're excited and it's one week?
I couldn't bear this either.
You DID tell her not to. I would try really hard to reiterate your point, that you don't need or want that much company, but she would be welcome for tea on X day/pick up DS from school on Friday etc.
You poor thing. This would have stressed me out so much as well.
No to grin and bear it, go with your OH idea
Put your foot down now. Tell your dh to ring her up immediately and tell her that she will be welcome only when invited and not at all if she continues her overbearing behaviour.
She has no concern for you or the stress she causes you, it's all about her getting to play with the baby. Don't let her overstep. With people like this you need very firm boundaries because if you give them an inch they'll take everything.
Remember to never concern yourself with the feelings of people who don't care for yours. Intrusive bullies like this prey on other peoples niceness and manipulate with guilt trips to get what they want.
It's not your problem if she wastes that leave. You had already told her not to. Stick to your guns. Good luck.
Reiterate that you appreciate her offer of help but that you have an established plan for school run and are keen to establish a routine with your baby.
If she's adamant about taking the week off suggest 2 or 3 days for coffee or lunch and meet her out of the house so that you can leave and go home when you're ready.
Do not grin and bear it, but do address it sooner rather than later. If she isn't listening to your DH, sadly you will need to speak up firmly. I would suggest getting your diary out and maybe making arrangements for those 2 lunches that week! If she says anything else you need to firmly tell her that (at the moment) you can't accommodate her.
I felt similarly when my dd was born; my parents are abroad and they wanted to come and stay immediately after birth. I asked if they did come when I was due that they stayed at a b&b so that we could bring her home and bond and have her there by ourselves as that was special time we'd never get back. I didn't want my fam there taking over.. So I get you. They were offended though and thought I was being unreasonable. I read this as your MIL is super excited about her grandchild and wants to be helpful and is just not seeing that its overstepping as it's not respecting your wishes. Maybe split the difference? Allow her to come and 'help' once a day that week, make dinner / care for LO while you shower or something? I think She means well and this is her wanting to care for you as well! But I get the issue you have!!
Haven't you put this same post up before? Totally agree with you. She had already been told you didnt want her round every day, all day, and she has still booked the leave. I would be re-iterating to her that she isn't to come round every day, thanks but no thanks, and then shut the curtains and don't answer the door!!!
Its a crucial time for mummy and baby bonding not granny and baby bonding. If you are bf you are going to spending a lot of time establishing supply for a few weeks. Maybe give her some information on the fourth trimester to explain why its not useful or needed fir her to be around all day for a week! God i would find that unbearable and just bloody rude that someone is inviting themselves into your home at such an important time. I think if someone is ignoring social niceties by trampling over you then you are not being rude by saying thanks but def no thanks and bolting down the hatches 😀
I have put the post up before, and it was solved (or so I thought) until tonight.
I do understand she is excited and wants to see the new baby, but this is just too much.
I'll get OH to deal with it, he thankfully is on board and understands.
I feel your pain! Nothing Worse than the overbearing MIL! Mine offered to fly down from Scotland once a week and stay over night to help with mine, just because my mum (who is 5 mins away) looks after dc once a week! The moment I had my first contraction she left Scotland to be here for it all! Time to pull up the big girl pants and tell her that while her offer is kind you WONT be taking her up on it - mine only laid off when I was really blunt. if you really don't want it then don't allow her to bulldoze her way through!
OH has just said we will need to tell her
No, OP, his mum so he needs to tell her.
Mother one saying don't just grin and bear it. That's a special week with your little one and you have made arrangements already.
Yanbu. She sounds determined to overule you even though you've been clear.
Agree with whoever said ignore the feelings of those who disregard yours.
Your OH is already on your page, which is great, but it has to be him who puts his foot down once and for all with his mother.
Why do her feelings come above yours?! Don't hurt yourself just to soothe someone else's selfish wishes. Stick to your guns.
She may be a lovely lady, but she is not behaving in an especially lovely way over this.
Unfortunately your OH needs to deal with it and, if she is offended by her wishes being overruled then so be it. If she is trying to get her own way this early on into her experience of being a grandmother, how is she going to behave towards you if you back down over this?
In short, don't back down and maintain your boundaries- you'll regret it if you don't
Well, it seems to me that she is focusing on her needs and not yours. That is not good. But how to resolve this situation without causing long term upset and difficult relationships for the future?
I do not envy you this uncomfortable situation. I know she is excited but it really is not about her.
I am a grandmother, and that is Rule Number One as far as I am concerned. .
Firstly, get your OH to tell her she is not to come over AT ALL - otherwise she will rock up at 8am and not go home.
Secondly, keep your doors locked.
I had the overbearing family following the birth of DC1 and to this day still bear a grudge about how I was treated, by MIL especially.
DC2 recently arrived and we didn't have a single visitor in the first few weeks and it was bliss, by the time our first visitor did arrive I felt relaxed and bonded with my little girl. It also allowed DS to adjust without the excitement of extended family
who spoil him no end staying. Stick to your guns!!
Your OH needs to grow a pair and tell her where she is getting off the bus.
The way to say it is to (1) acknowledge what's important to her and her good intentions in the first phrase, then (2) clearly clearly state the case in the second phrase...
I know spending time with grandchild is important to you, and you'd really like to help, however, we'd prefer if no-one stayed here so early after the baby is born.
Your OH needs to make it clear that you don't want anyone there, even your own family.
Could he ask her to take off 2 afternoons per week for a few weeks that you should be able to see her for a few hours on those days? Perhaps that is what would work better giving her specific invites to come around - say 2-4pm or something? See baby then see DS and Baby and perhaps she can make DS tea whilst you have a nap
Don't allow her to get her own way. This is becoming all about her and from someone who has been in a similar situation all I can say is block her all the way otherwise it will never stop. It will be one situation after another.
Do not feel bad if she 'wastes' her annual leave. You told her and she has disregarded your decision.
Set firm boundaries early. Stand your ground. Oh and remember, you don't have to let her in if she turns up all the time!
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