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Dh doesn't approve of BF

(148 Posts)
ziggyingzagging Mon 08-May-17 22:22:33

NC just in case... I have a friend who i'd
class as one of my best friends. Been pals 20 years! Dh has never been overly keen on her but last year she split from her dh for a few months because she was unhappy and thought the grass might be a bit greener with someone else. She hadn't met anyone else but she was soon 'dating' after the split.

As her BF I was told all about her 'escapades'. I didn't encourage her, just tried to point out that things don't stay exciting forever and that chasing that 'new relationship' feeling would most likely lead to disappointment.

She ends up reuniting with her dh and they are happy.

My dh now REALLY dislikes her and feels like she has no morals. She's asked if I want to celebrate her bday by going on a spa weekend but dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'!!??? Not sure where this idea comes from - I haven't been to a party at someone's house since I was about 15!!!

I've tried to explain that how she behaved as a wife and her issues with her marriage, are separate from our friendship. Someone can be a 'bad' wife but a great friend and I still consider her a great friend.

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend?

I feel like I probably won't go as he feels sooooo strongly about it but I just want to see what others think!

Also, just to clarify - I myself have never given dh any reason not to trust me. I like a tipple but I'm not flirty and don't chat to men when I go out (usually too busy gossiping!).

AnnieHallScotland Mon 08-May-17 22:26:11

Of course he is being unreasonable. If you want to enjoy a spa weekend with your bf then please do it. He sounds controlling x

Moanyoldcow Mon 08-May-17 22:27:22

Is he always so controlling? My husband would ever tell me who I could or couldn't befriends with.

Teardropexplodes Mon 08-May-17 22:28:39

I think he sounds insecure. He's worried she'll lead you astray.
Of course you should go, if you want to. Up to you if you want to offer him reassurance or tell him to wind his neck in.

EastMidsMummy Mon 08-May-17 22:28:50

Ha! Thought this thread title was about breastfeeding!

ziggyingzagging Mon 08-May-17 22:29:52

Thanks AnnieHallScotland. I did say that to him but he said that I was been UR to even consider going! He said if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't want him to go but I don't think that's true. It's not like we are going on some city break bender, just a spa weekend!

NoLoveofMine Mon 08-May-17 22:30:26

Your husband really dislikes your closest friend because she split up from her husband for a time and is trying to prevent you from doing something with her, coming across as rather controlling?

dh doesn't want me to go because we 'might end up drunk and going to a party at someone's house'

What a bizarre and controlling comment from him on a number of levels.

Chloe84 Mon 08-May-17 22:30:35

Your DH doesn't get to decide who you're friends with.

He sounds extremely judgemental and controlling.

I'm sure there are worse skeletons in his closet than a woman who split up with her DH for a few months, dated other men and then got back with her DH. She didn't have an affair.

Please go and support your friend.

Kokusai Mon 08-May-17 22:30:50

"DH, do you really think our relationship is so rocky that I'm going to go to a spa weekend with BF and end up shagginf a random guy? No? Because I thought we were both happy and secure. Why would you even think than?"

Gabilan Mon 08-May-17 22:31:45

Is dh UR for stopping me from going on the spa weekend

Yes. What does he think will happen? That your friend's lax morals will be infectious, you'll find a couple of Aidan Turner clones and that when you've finished with them you'll go dogging?

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 08-May-17 22:33:24

He's telling you that he doesn't trust you and that he thinks he gets to tell you what to do. Both of those things are VERY serious.

NoLoveofMine Mon 08-May-17 22:33:39

It's not like we are going on some city break bender

I can't see what would be wrong with it if you were.

ziggyingzagging Mon 08-May-17 22:34:29

Thanks for the replies. I have told him I think he's been controlling but he is insisting he isn't. I am in a very sticky spot though as he really does seem distraught at the idea of me going and as annoyed as I am that he's trying to stop me, I don't like to see him upset.

He doesn't generally try and stop me from doing things. He's just incredibly judgemental moral when it comes to things like this.

NoLoveofMine Mon 08-May-17 22:35:49

Why is he distraught?

Chloe84 Mon 08-May-17 22:36:30

He's not distraught! He's willing to use any trick in the book to get you to do what he wants.

If he really is that distraught then he needs to see his GP as that is not normal behaviour.

DixieFlatline Mon 08-May-17 22:38:15

He can be as judgemental as he wants, it has absolutely nothing to do with who you can be friends with.

ChasedByBees Mon 08-May-17 22:38:16

I would go. To make a point that he's not in control of you if nothing else.

DixieFlatline Mon 08-May-17 22:38:47

He's not distraught! He's willing to use any trick in the book to get you to do what he wants.

If he really is that distraught then he needs to see his GP as that is not normal behaviour.

And this. Manipulative twat.

TinklyLittleLaugh Mon 08-May-17 22:39:20

Of course he is in the wrong but put yourself in his shoes. What if your DH's best mate had left his wife because he was bored, shagged around a bit and shared all the gory details with your DH, then gone back to his long suffering wifey?

Would you be really delighted if your husband was planning to go for a lads weekend away with him? Would you not feel a tad uneasy that the friend might engineer a situation whereby your DH was put in a difficult situation, even if your DH has never given you cause to doubt him?

I am not saying he is right to try to stop you going, I am just saying that his attitude is understandable.

AnyFucker Mon 08-May-17 22:39:58

Both you and your husband seem to think your friend has done something wrong.

ziggyingzagging Mon 08-May-17 22:40:28

Kokusai - I said just that pretty much! He seems to think alcohol and her influence will lead to me getting up to no good. I've told him how insulting that is and also depressing that he has so little faith. He said it's nothing to do with trust and insists I would feel the same the other way around (I wouldn't!).

I've asked if this means I can 'ban' him from doing things should I deem the company he keeps to be less than desirable. He's of course said yes but knows I never would!

NoLoveofMine Mon 08-May-17 22:42:58

She split from her husband because she was "unhappy" (which is not the same as being "bored"). After the split, she dated for a time, then reunited with her husband. What about this would give anyone cause to be "uneasy" about their partner being friends with her, let alone try to stop them from celebrating their birthday with her?

ziggyingzagging Mon 08-May-17 22:43:26

TinklyLittleLaugh - I do see your point and I may not be delighted at the prospect but I would voice those concerns and seek reassurance. Plus if I'm honest, it probably depends on the kind of weekend as to how uncomfortable I might feel. If they were going on the equivalent of a spa weekend then I think I'd be ok.

StarryIllusion Mon 08-May-17 22:44:42

I'm sorry? STOPPING you going? And who exactly is he to STOP you doing anything? He can feel strongly about whatever he pleases but he cannot dictate where you go and who you are friends with.

ziggyingzagging Mon 08-May-17 22:46:41

AnyFucker - I don't think she's done anything wrong per se. She didn't cheat on her dh. She did really upset him by splitting and seeing other guys and that was hard to see because I like him too but I know that she didn't do it to hurt him. She had a bit of a crisis about her future and thought she wanted something else then discovered she didn't.

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