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WIBU to ask you for a completely selfish handhold, re: organising SILs Baby shower whilst struggling with fertility

(105 Posts)
FlamingoPrincess1212 Sun 07-May-17 21:40:53

So, uber fertile sil never wanted kids, and accidentally got pregnant. (This is her second and she's expecting twins!)
All fine I'm mega pleased, I do actually love her, but I'll admit I've been trying to keep a little more distance for my own mental health.
But recently I've been tasked with organising a baby shower I disagree with these weird grabby americanisms anyway but that's not why I am here and I don't know if I can do it.
This will be her 2nd and 3rd accidental child in the time that DH and I have been having regular deliberate unprotected sex, and if I'm honest it hurts.
Her friends are flakey as hell, so family will be a big part of the core guest list, meaning I'll have to stay all day in a very baby focused environment.
Organising this party is a very blatant reminder that I am not pregnant and I feel like I'm failing as a woman. I feel like I'm not a real woman.
DH isn't on the same page when it comes to envy and others children, and manages to not get so upset by it all, and he really wants SIl to have the "party she deserves after a shitty year" so he's being a bit clueless here imo.
I know I can't say anything, and I can't refuse, I know it would be selfish to do anything but go ahead and organise and attend the shower and that I can't make DSils big day about me.
But could I please ask you all for a little hand hold, so I don't feel so alone, like a little less of a failure as a woman, and like less of an awful friend/sil.
flowers thanks

Cockadoodle Sun 07-May-17 21:55:19

You're not an awful friend otherwise she wouldn't want you to do it for her! It's hard I know but you need to pull up your big girl pants and get on with it. Can you get mil to help? She'll probably love that You're involving her. You WILL get there and remember it's not her baby you want, it's yours.

Ps Men won't get this... 😘

DPotter Sun 07-May-17 21:57:11

I'm going to launch in here so -
Who asked you to arrange the baby shower? Personally can't stand 'em - and that's not just a reaction to american social imports.

Of course You can say 'No' - its not compulsory to agree.
If it's the mum-to-be who has asked, then assuming you have a close relationship with her, bite the bullet and explain this would be very difficult for you and that she would be better off asking someone else who can do her justice.
If its anyone else, say it would be difficult and why don't they arrange it.
If its your 'DH' - just tell him he can arrange it and you'll come along for 30 mins near the end
Infertility must be a difficult enough situation to bare without having you're nose rubbed in other people fecundity - who ever asked you was being very insensitive, assuming they know of course,

user1493022461 Sun 07-May-17 21:57:30

he really wants SIl to have the "party she deserves after a shitty year"

Tell him to fucking organise it then!

DPotter Sun 07-May-17 21:58:01

sorry your nose not you're nose

Crunchymum Sun 07-May-17 22:00:51

Are they aware you are ttc?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 07-May-17 22:06:08

Life really is a crock of shit at times. Those who want to get pregnant it never seems to happen and those that don't seem to only have to look their DPS and they're pregnant.
This isn't her 1st pregnancy. Why is she getting a baby shower. I thought you only got that with your first.
If they know you're TTC. Its highly highly selfish and insensitive of them to put this on you.

EveningShadows Sun 07-May-17 22:07:42

Ah OP, that is truly shit. I also loathe baby showers but there's no fucking way I could have organised one while ttc with fertility issues (it took us years, m/cs, IVF, etc). I was broken and became very jealous of others who had kids, especially those in your SIL's position. Those friends of mine who hadn't been through it had literally no idea.

Why is saying no not an option? Could you say to your MIL that it's just too painful for you? Could a friend do it? I would say popping in for an hour to say hi would be the most you should be expected to do.

Look after yourself - infertility is the most painful journey I've ever experienced and you need to be selfish sometimes x

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 07-May-17 22:08:40

I'm with user 461. Tell him to organize it.
Also have you not had a shit year.

FlamingoPrincess1212 Sun 07-May-17 22:12:18

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it.
I am pretty sure they're aware, DH and I explained it all after I made a bit of a fool of myself when we found out about her pregnancy with DN1, by just bursting into tears at the Announcement whilst sat at a Toby carvery over our puddings!

It's just feels really hard.

FlamingoPrincess1212 Sun 07-May-17 22:14:42

Maybe I will pass it on. I just feel like it's going to be an assumed betrayal of DSil, I don't understand why some people don't understand that prioritising yourself doesn't actually mean you're fundamentally against someone else. sad

notanevilstepmother Sun 07-May-17 22:17:44

I wouldn't do it. It's just going to upset you.

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 07-May-17 22:19:09

God don't go and don't organise it - just send a massive present with a lovely card explaining how pleased you are for them but you are struggling with infertility and find it so hard to be around pregnant people -anyone half decent would understand.

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 07-May-17 22:23:01

Your oh is a tricky one but maybe just say you think might end up crying again and what would spoil her party so it'd be best if you didn't go !

justbinthefeckinbyebyebox Sun 07-May-17 22:24:13

So sorry for all of this, happened to me too!
Tears at the drop of hat, I just couldn't cope with anything.
Please don't think that you made a fool of yourself, it is very difficult
and many just don't understand. Babies are just everywhere that you look.
You are a bigger person than me if you can plan this awful party.
Can you make excuses to get out of this?

TFPsa Sun 07-May-17 22:28:39

You could tell her no and even teIl her why. It'll be a poor event anyway if she can't rustle up a friend or relative of her own to organise.

InThisTogether Sun 07-May-17 22:29:27

Oh OP i know this situation well. I can say very strongly that you should politely but firmly bow out of this.

Maybe this is an opportunity to have a good honest chat about your situation?

It's going to be a stressful event even if you weren't having fertility struggles, but even more so with that added pressure.

Prioritise yourself and don't minimise the very real pain of ttc for a long time when others seemingly instadiff left, right and centre! flowers

Kaybush Sun 07-May-17 23:10:06

OP I really feel for you flowers.

If your SIL saw you crying when she announced her first pregnancy then she's being monstrously selfish and cruel asking you to organise a shower for her twins.

I would gracefully and diplomatically decline and focus on you for the foreseeable future.

Best of luck with TTC - it took me many hiccups in my late 30s but I got there in the end...

emmyrose2000 Mon 08-May-17 00:21:24

Absolutely say no. Who is expecting you to organise it? Anyone who knows you're battling infertility and yet still thinks you should organise a baby shower of all things is a complete dickhead and not worth your time.

I've been through infertility too, and there's no way I'd have organised a baby shower for someone at that time.

I don't mind baby showers, but if SIL thinks she's "entitled" to one, then she's wrong. That alone would make me dig my heels in and refuse to get involved in one for her on principle.

RuggerHug Mon 08-May-17 00:46:25

Oh OP it's a shit position to be in (for want of a better expression!). Can you say you won't organise it and someone else can? It's not your responsibility to do this. You're not being selfish at all!!

KC225 Mon 08-May-17 01:16:57

I am another one for saying 'no'. If you burst into tears at the announcement and you say you do love her, then perhaps she thinks she is trying to involve you by arranging the baby shower. Some people do not get infertility. I had to go through ivf and only told two friends both gave me the 'stop thinking about it' 'if you become obsessed, it won't happen' talks. It was quite disappointing. Meet her privately, you don't have to go into massive detail. Just say you are feeling a little bit fragile and you don't want to spoil her baby shower.

WaitingYetAgain Mon 08-May-17 01:36:51

I wouldn't do it, if I were you. I couldn't face it either. Why put yourself through more sadness when you don't have to?

Also, I thought that in the US women generally had a baby shower for their first baby only. Maybe that's changed now or perhaps in the UK we do it differently now we've adopted the custom. If she really wants one then someone else can organise it such as her mum.

FlamingoPrincess1212 Mon 08-May-17 08:50:41

Thanks all.
I think it's weighing up wether six hours of sadness or six months of condenmnation from MiL and SILs friends is better.
But as you've said. If they really do want her to have this fantastic celebration maybe they should organise it for her?
I've ruled out having it at our house, I vocalised that it would destroy me and that went down like a lead balloon. making me a spoilt brat, because Oh flamingo, you do have such a lovely kitchen and garden, it really wouldn't be fair to be cramped in X/Y/Z location.

Supersoaryflappypigeon Mon 08-May-17 08:55:43

flowers for you. They sound very insensitive to me.

rightwhine Mon 08-May-17 08:57:14

It's spectacularly selfish of anyone who knows you are struggling, to ask you to do it or host it. Don't feel guilty saying no.

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