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EXH wants to talk to me but I don't want too.

(148 Posts)
Idontwanthimhere Fri 05-May-17 21:24:32

Namechanged because this has a lot of backstory which could be identifying.
EXH was an abusive arsehole who left me and our twin boys with nothing for his OW. He was barely in any contact, he never payed maintenance and the boys never saw him again. I remarried to DH and Ex gave up all his parental rights and let DH adopt the DCs.
The DCs are now 8 and they don't remember Ex and refer to DH as their dad.

Ex then contacted me a few months ago to tell me that he got a woman pregnant and now has a daughter. At the time I was heavily pregnant with DD so I didn't tell the boys straight away as they were only just coming to terms and getting excited for DD.

So I told the boys a few weeks after DD was born that Ex had a daughter. They were upset and confused that he had another family but didn't want to see them.

So to today, Ex got in contact with me again to say he wants to meet me to talk. He won't tell me why. He doesn't want the boys or DH to come. I don't want to meet him but I feel like I should hear him out in case it's important for the boys. I'm not sure what to do. My friend thinks I should go because ex has asked nicely and it might be important and I should just forget the past because ex has obviously moved on. DH really doesn't want me to go but he will support whatever decision I make.

So AIBU to not go or should I just go because it might be important for the boys.

Eeeeek2 Fri 05-May-17 21:26:49

Tell him he can talk on the phone to you or your dh will be present if he wants to meet. Those are the options he can pick

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Fri 05-May-17 21:27:35

Don't go. He have up his parental rights and let your DH adopt his sons, that's it, nothing to discuss.

Fl0ellafunbags Fri 05-May-17 21:28:25

Oh that's tricky. I'd be tempted to tell him to email you with whatever he has to say. It will give you time to digest it before responding and won't put you in a potentially vulnerable position.

Wando1986 Fri 05-May-17 21:28:34

None of what you wrote makes sense. They don't remember him but were upset when you spoke about him having another family? He gave up parental rights so your DH could adopt them but you want to meet him as it might be something important to do with the kids (that he has no parental rights or legal connections to anymore?)

Unless it's about an unknown inherited genetic condition then I really wouldn't bother.

Maybe he wants a kidney?

Lottie991 Fri 05-May-17 21:28:36

Can he email you to tell you whatever he's got to tell you? Or ring you?
I can't say I would meet an abusive ex I hadn't seen for years on my own..

cestlavielife Fri 05-May-17 21:29:44

He tells youbwhat it us about or you don't go.
You go with someone else
You meet in public place

If it's important enough he can inform you by letter first

ADayGivingMeHope Fri 05-May-17 21:30:07

Agree with Eeeeek2
Tell him he can talk via phone or your DH is going to be there. No reason whatsoever for your DH not to go!

RandomMess Fri 05-May-17 21:31:26

I'd tell him if he has anything important to say he is welcome to email you.

Justanothernameonthepage Fri 05-May-17 21:32:33

If you can't control your curiosity, then agree to meet - but point out that if you want your DH/friend/giant cut out of Chewbacca there, then they will be. He lost any right to make demands you're not comfortable with a long time ago. And if he doesn't want you to have support there, then you know he's still a selfish dick and don't need to give up a moment of your time at his request

ChiefClerkDrumknott Fri 05-May-17 21:33:12

He abused you and abandoned his boys. If he was genuine he would tell you why he wants to meet. The fact he won't is him still trying to exercise some control over you. Fuck politeness and fuck his being nice now. Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck then when he gets there fuck off some more

ChiefClerkDrumknott Fri 05-May-17 21:34:37

I missed that he doesn't want DH to come. That only strengthens my position that you should tell him to fuck the fuck off

DJBaggySmalls Fri 05-May-17 21:35:12

No, no, no do not meet him. Talk to him over the phone if you feel you must. You have no reason to believe or trust him. Stay safe.

HildaOg Fri 05-May-17 21:36:08

Why did you say anything to the children? Your husband is their dad now. The only dad they have as he has legally adopted them. Ex is just a sperm donor who abandoned them.

You were very wrong to upset your children by telling them about this 'other family' and you're very wrong to have anything to do with ex. Respect the fact that your dh is their father and don't let this ex cause trouble in your family and marriage. Cut him out.

FuckingSausageFingers Fri 05-May-17 21:38:16

Tell him to say it in an email or don't say it at all. Prick.

Figglesticks Fri 05-May-17 21:39:06

He is no longer their legal father. He doesn't need to have anything to do with you any more although I guess nothing is that black and white in reality.

GoldfishCrackers Fri 05-May-17 21:39:45

He's still being controlling. Doesn't sound much like he's changed.
Why all the conditions? He doesn't have the right to make these demands.

CauliflowerSqueeze Fri 05-May-17 21:42:26

Agree with Goldfish. He doesn't get to call the shots. Tell him the options you're comfortable with and don't include meeting him alone as one of them.

happypoobum Fri 05-May-17 21:42:58

Fuck that no I would not.

Anything he has to communicate to you he can communicate over the phone or by email. Why on earth would he need to actually see you?

You owe him nothing. There is no reason whatsoever why you should agree to this unless you actually secretly want to see him.

conserveisposhforjam Fri 05-May-17 21:44:37

You were very wrong to upset your children by telling them about this 'other family'

I'm an adopter and I'd challenge that. Children need to know about their pasts and about their birth families. Anything else just encourages them to fantasise to fill in the blanks. Honesty is absolutely the best policy.

FellOutOfBed2wice Fri 05-May-17 21:45:20

I would go in case it is something important concerning your children, but I'd make it very clear to him I will be bringing whoever the hell I want. I wouldn't go alone.

dataandspot Fri 05-May-17 21:47:00

Why should he dictate what he wants?!

He should be begging you for an opportunity to speak to you!

What a pig!

BarbarianMum Fri 05-May-17 21:47:45

If he's got something important to say he can email it. I think he's just tryingbto jerk your string.

Fruitcorner123 Fri 05-May-17 21:47:54

I agree go but take someone with you. A friend?

ENFJ Fri 05-May-17 21:48:01

You don't have to.

My x wanted to re-write history I felt. I didn't want to talk to him. I don't.

Tbh I'd get your husband to go. Find out if there's anything he needs to tell you. Let him go via the man who's stepped up. That'll take the bluster out of his sails but if he has any real message to convey then he won't be prevented from doing so.

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