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is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

(168 Posts)
Freddofrog1983 Thu 04-May-17 21:51:12

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

ToastDemon Thu 04-May-17 21:53:10

Yes it's young. I lost my dad at 29 and my mum in my 30s. Some of my peers still have grandparents.

NoraCharlesMartiniGlass Thu 04-May-17 21:55:45

Yes, it's hard - I lost one parent at 17 and the other at 31. I felt, rather weirdly, orphaned - being the oldest generation at that age is a heavy feeling.

I'm so sorry you're finding it so hard. I promise it does get easier. flowers

user1493022461 Thu 04-May-17 21:56:44

I don't think particularly young, no.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Thu 04-May-17 21:57:00

I was 28 when I lost my mother and 37 when I lost my father. DH lost both of his in his early 30's. We've not benefited from the practical and emotional support all our peer group have had from parents. It's been a hard road to travel.

SellFridges Thu 04-May-17 21:58:37

If I think about my friends, one group have lost 5/16 parents. The other have lost 2/16. Slightly older than you so I would say that is young to have lost both parents.

BestIsWest Thu 04-May-17 21:59:18

Yes, I do think it's young. flowers to you.

PinguForPresident Thu 04-May-17 21:59:32

It's young to lose both, I think.

I lost my mum when I was 21, but my Dad is still going and I'm now 42. I think it'll hit me hard when he goes,

Freddofrog1983 Thu 04-May-17 22:00:20

Thanks for your reply. I wasn't sure whether it sounded like self pity so i have off posting this for a while. It just seems like a long time ahead and i feel like i have had the anchor pulled from beneath me.

I feel like an orphan too, I saw my mum every day.

PlacidPenelope Thu 04-May-17 22:00:42

Yes, I think it is young to lose your parents.

Please don't feel guilty about the grief for your mum taking over the grief for your dad, it's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Please do also access grief counselling, can you find one who could see you when your dh could look after your children? Or are you able to find a childcare option for your 2 year old one morning/afternoon/day a week that would enable you to access counselling?

I am sorry for your losses.

Fruitboxjury Thu 04-May-17 22:01:19

Yes it is, especially hard when you have young DC and it feels like there is a gaping hole where your parents would have filled the role of DGPs to your DC. I lost my DF in mid 30s and my DM has dementia so in the kindest possible way to her I've lost them both. I feel like I've been struck through the heart every time someone casually asks why my parents can't come and help out a bit more, assuming that my family is like theirs. "Normal". It's not, and it never will be, and I know they would be devastated by that. You learn to cope though, I would say if you have the opportunriy to build up your own support network of people you can leave the children with its incredibly important for your emotional / MH and wellbeing

flowers

summerisleair Thu 04-May-17 22:01:58

Very hard for you, OP. Both my parents died - mother in my teens, father in my early 30s - but in all honesty I had lost my dad years before. He became very peculiar after my mum died.

strongswans Thu 04-May-17 22:02:00

It is young! I am grateful to have mine and I am 30, my mum had last both hers at 29! My dad lost his dad at 34 and luckily had his mum until he was 51.

SuperBeagle Thu 04-May-17 22:02:07

I'm so sorry for your losses. flowers

It is young. I was 9mo when my dad passed (he was 36), but my mum is still here and going strong.

I think you grieve regardless of when it happens, and I do think professional help is beneficial. I'd urge you to try to get to a grief councillor, even if it means getting a sitter to take your DS for an hour or two. Having lost my dad when I was too young to remember him, my grief was delayed until I was 14/15-ish and then it was really awful. Getting some professional help really made a world of difference. I haven't felt upset much since. The odd day, once or twice a year, but I can speak openly about him now, and can joke about him etc. without getting upset or feeling guilty. I have accepted that this is how it is, and that's the most significant thing.

martinsgirl Thu 04-May-17 22:02:30

I lost my dad when I was 22 and my mum at 25. It's absolutely shit. No one understands because they all still have their parents.

I'm quite practical so I tell myself that this is the way it is so I just have to deal with it. I also figure my parents would hate for me to be grief stricken forever. There are still bad days though and the sadness will never go away.

Look after yourself OP xx

Writerwannabe83 Thu 04-May-17 22:02:44

Yes I do think it's young. My DH lost his mom when he was aged 31 and it seemed so wrong.

My dad is 57 and although his dad died when he was mid 30's he has o my just lost his mom.

I'm 33 and both my parents are still alive and well and I can't even imagine losing either of them at this age.

I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope you get counselling that helps flowers

ClarePearBear Thu 04-May-17 22:02:48

My situation is almost identical to yours. Yes, it is young, and it is really tough.

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but obviously your grief is still very raw, especially with regard to your mum.

In case you haven't found it, there is a Bereavement board (look under Body and Soul) where people are really supportive and understand what you are going through flowers

Enidblyton1 Thu 04-May-17 22:03:06

Yes, that's young flowers
Many of my friends had lost one parent by the time they were in their 30s, but I don't have any who have lost both.

Musicaltheatremum Thu 04-May-17 22:03:45

It is young these days. I'm 54 nearly and my dad and mum nearly 85 and 81 are still around. My husband died 5 years ago when my children were 16 and 18 so horribly young for them. I lost my grandma when I was 35, she was 90. My late husband's mum is still alive aged 94. She is miserable with arthritis though.

khajiit13 Thu 04-May-17 22:04:46

I lost my dad at 18. My mum is my world, I'd be lost without her. Sorry Op flowers

Beerwench Thu 04-May-17 22:05:28

"Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over."

I haven't lost my parents, but I lost my grandparents (who me and DM lived with and essentially raised me) a few years apart. Ggf passed first followed by DGM 10/years later. I felt this way after DGM died - I spoke to a grief councillor and his view was that I was grieving for both. While DGM was alive I still had a part of DGF, once both passed I had truly lost both, and marked the end of a part of my life. I hope that makes a bit of sense to you, it took me a little while but I got there.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, and wish I could help you more.
You are very young to lose both parents, you're not U to feel this way, allow yourself to grieve.
I hope you can find a way to attend a grief councillor, could a child minder or nursery work for you?
Thinking of you OP flowers

DumbledoresApprentice Thu 04-May-17 22:06:29

It seems young and I understand how you feel. I'm 30 and can't imagine losing my parents any time soon but I do know that it happens. My cousin is in her early 20s and her younger sister, my other cousin, is not quite 15. Their dad is still alive but lost the ability to speak, walk, feed himself and toilet himself 9 years ago (aged 32) , my aunt died 4 years ago (aged 37). They still have 3/4 grandparents alive and even have 2 great-grandparents still living which feels so unfair sometimes. Even knowing all of that though in your position I think I'd still feel the same, even though I know full well that I'm very lucky to have reached adulthood with both parents alive I think I'd feel it was unfair if I had no parents left in 6 years time. I'd probably feel angry at the world too. I'm really sorry for your loss. flowers

U2HasTheEdge Thu 04-May-17 22:07:08

I think it is very young to lose both parents.

I am sorry OP thanks I can only imagine the pain of losing both parents at a young age sad

Three of my children lost their dad at aged 14, 12 and 10.

bibbitybobbityyhat Thu 04-May-17 22:07:10

Yes, very young. I'm so sorry op flowers. One of my grandparents was still alive when I was 40.

Only one of my friends has lost both parents. She is 54 and her parents died when she was 48 and 50. The rest of us (similar age) still have at least one parent alive.

GoldStars3 Thu 04-May-17 22:08:08

Yes, it's young. I lost one in late teens and the other in late twenties. They never met my husband or my children (and would have been amazing grandparents), and as a pp said, the lack of emotional and practical support in young adulthood - the kind that only loving, supportive parents can really give - is hard to swallow. They were cheated, I was cheated, dh and dc were cheated out of what most people expect and get to experience. It sucks.

You were cheated too, OP. flowers I'm sorry for your losses.

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