To feel hurt my mum uses her stroke against me?

[Nonky]

Hello
My mum and I have always had a tricky relationship. She is a very hard lady, not at all tactile and could often say very hurtful things to me throughout my childhood about being fat, too shy, too loud etc etc. She's recently had a stroke but has made a good recovery. In the past, conversations with her would be very tense and she would go out of her way to disagree with me. I used to try and try to get her acceptance and would try and build some sort of 'normal' mother/daughter relationship but as I got older I realised the only person I was hurting was myself but trying to do this. Since her stroke, if I ever disagree with her or dare to try and justify my thoughts and behaviours she tells me that having the conversation with me is making her ill again. I basically have the threat that I either go along with what she says or if I disagree/argue/confront then I'm at risk of her having another stroke. I understand having a stroke can change people but she was like this before. My father and sister enable this behaviour but she doesn't say anything like this to them. Just to me. Aibu for wanting to distance myself? How can I protect myself around her as for various reasons (inc I love the rest of my family) I can't go NC

[Iflyaway]

Your mother sounds hugely manipulative.

And the family dynamics are screwed.

Please go and get some counselling.

You sound lovely and do not deserve this at all.

[Nonky]

Thank you for such a lovely reply. I'm actually having solution based hypnotherapy which is really helping and I am starting to respect myself
Much more. I still have this niggling doubt that it's me that's taking this the wrong way and her behaviour is normal. The fact my dad and sister make excuses for her makes it harder. Thank you for taking the time to reply

[LostSight]

Argggggh! You have my sympathies. I hate when people pull the 'you're making me ill' card. It's highly manipulative. A specially unpleasant lie to send you on a guilt trip. Hope your hypnotherapy helps.

[helpimitchy]

The tyranny of the sick methinks.

I suppose if you have to maintain contact then you'll just have to keep communication to a largely superficial level and just nod and smile as much as you can.

Your dad and sister are just doing it because it's the path of least resistance and not likely to lead to conflict or feelings of discomfort. Annoying, but the only way they know how to cope I suppose.

[Nonky]

Thanks. Yes that's exactly why they are doing this and I understand why as my dad has to live with her. Hard though as I can't imagine ever letting my husband talk to my children in the way she has to me but everyone is different. I wish i could go NC but I can't. I will try to imagine I have a ball the floats around me bouncing off all the negative comments! I dread what will happen though if she has another stroke and blames it on me

[LostSight]

Sorry, I realise I didn't suggest a reply to your question. I suspect that in your situation, every single time she pulled the 'you're making me ill' stunt, I would quite literally walk away.

'Sorry if I'm making you feel unwell. I'd better head off now.'

However as a first line, if you really don't want to go NC, I'd probably try to avoid discussing anything with her, other than wholly bland subjects like the weather. Or what she's done this week. Just don't let her in to your inner life at all. My MiL is highly passive aggressive. I encourage her to talk and just nod along, even if it's bullshit.

[Ceto]

Tell her that if she seriously believes that, she needs to go back to her doctors, because for her to feel ill over something so minor it must be that her blood pressure medication is ineffective.

[helpimitchy]

It's not your fault that she had a stroke, not at all. She is probably at increased risk of having another one, that wouldn't be your fault either.

Try to minimise contact. She's made the decision to act the way she does. They all sound quite avoidant people. It's a defence mechanism.

[Nonky]

Ceto if I said that to her she would start to claim I was making her even worse! She's even recently stated to 'pretend' (I hope) that talking to me makes her speech slurry and ends up having to stop talking (at a point where I try to stand up for myself). If it were down to me I would go NC but without outing myself there are other factors involved. But you are all right - at 40 I'm not suddenly going to start getting the mum I've been trying to have for 40 years. I'm not sure why there is always some hope that she might 'like' me. Distance and bland conversation is the way forwards. Thank you

[Iflyaway]

I dread what will happen though if she has another stroke and blames it on me

You do not have the power over another's health. Another stroke, it is nothing to do with you. Our health situations are usually beyond our own control, never mind someone else's.

I'm glad to hear you are having therapy to deal with this. I feel for you. Must be awful to live in this kind of family dynamics. I hope you can find your inner strength.

[chastenedButStillSmiling]

My DSis did this to me.

It all remains my fault.

It's horrible. And there's literally nothing I can do to change it.

[Nonky]

Sorry to hear that chastened. It's tough but you are not alone. I'm just sad I've tried so hard for 40 years but need to look to the next 40 + and live life to the full. On a postive note I feel I have a very loving, open and caring relationship with my children. Everything she's not I've tried to be with them.

[Lunde]

If she says that you are making her ill/have a stroke - tell her that you are calling an ambulance as every second counts - and see how she reacts

[Nonky]

Lunde that's made me laugh! Irony is that when she did have a stroke she and my family were convinced she hadn't and got cross with me for making her friend take her to hospital!!

[mrwalkensir]

Nonky - if I was being lighthearted I'd say call her bluff and tell your Dad and sister that you can't go near her as the stress of your company is too stressful for her and makes her slur her words. Lots of us on here (have you looked at the Stately Homes thread?) have similar parents and have only started surfacing in their 40s. It's hideous and very bad for your own health. But it does help knowing that other people have been there and understand...

[TinselTwins]

Yup, definitely call her bluff, "I am free but since having company strained your health so much last time it's probably best if I let you rest"

[TinselTwins]

Ceto if I said that to her she would start to claim I was making her even worse! She's even recently stated to 'pretend' (I hope) that talking to me makes her speech slurry and ends up having to stop talking

Second calling her out and asking her if she needs an ambulance

Or, if you must see her, go OTT and make a performance of agreeing with everything :

"yes mother, yes mother, you're absolutely right mother"
and whisper to other family members that "we mustn't upset mother, incase, you know, the stroke"

[tararabumdeay]

A friend had a headache I had Paracetamol on me, not Aspirin. She had a stroke when I was miles away days later. She was seriously affected by her stroke and always blamed me. That's too much to live with.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Unfortunately a stroke changes people and their frustration it's often taken out on their nearest and dearest.

It can manifest in plausible delusions that the stroke victim can't overcome. My OH, different sort of stroke, still maintains that the doctor took him racing on the Top Gear track. It can get better as real life fills the time and erases the misconceptions. Though, if I mentioned Top Gear track today he'd probably almost convince me it was true.

It's not true and none of is your fault.

[OnTheRise]

My mother has been in hospital a few times because of her "strokes", which the hospitals have never been able to find a trace of. (She's also had numerous "heart attacks" and "complete nervous breakdowns" which have all also been impossible for doctors to find or treat.)

If I ever disagreed with her she would make an odd face: eyes half-closed and eyelids flickering, her mouth pulled down at the corners, chin all slack, that sort of thing; and when she used this face she would talk in an odd slurred way, all slowed down and missing out words. I asked her what on earth she was doing and she stopped it. My sister and I call it her Stroke Voice and Stroke Face.

I haven't seen her for a few years now, but apparently she still does Stroke Voice/Face if people disagree with her and she can't convince them they are wrong.

It's ridiculous. You have my sympathy. The only way I managed to deal with it was to treat it like a joke, and then a few years ago I went no-contact with my parents. It's been so much better not having to deal with them. I strongly recommend it.

[Nonky]

Thanks everyone. I feel I have to allow her to behave like this as she and my father gave me quite a bit of money ten years ago to buy my first flat - and I took it. At the time I remember thinking yes this was very generous but if I could've stopped it for a few kind words or help emotionally when things went wrong I would've jumped at the chance.!I wlll always have the 'we have Always helped you out and this is how you repay us' line thrown at me which coupled with childhood catholic guilt isn't great!!! I'm sorry for all of you who have/are experiencing this. It's not nice at all but in a way it's good to know I'm not the only one who 'causes' a near stroke just by having an opinion!!!

[Mu123]

My fil is like this, had a massive heart attack 9 years ago and if you argue with him(funnily enough that only happens when hes pissed) he goes into a melodramatic rant about chest pains to get his own way

I just tell him hes being a dick and ignore the theatrics.

[Goosewings]

Turn the responsibility back on her.

"Then for the sake of your own health don't bring up conversations which you know will cause us to argue."

[Nonky]

Interesting about the pissed bit Mu123. She's certainly harsher after alcohol

[Wibblywobblyfoo]

tara that is a horrible thing to attempt to blame you for.