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AIBU?

To think this is between SiL and MiL? Or do I intervene?

64 replies

RooKangaroo · 30/04/2017 22:46

This is partly an AIBU, and partly a WWYD. I don't know what my role is here, and don't want to upset anyone. Apologies for length.

I'm currently on mat leave with my first child. My SiL is now back at work after having her first child, who is 18 months old and goes to nursery/stays with relatives, etc. for childcare.

One day each week, SiL's child (my niece) is looked after by MiL (who is also SiL's MiL - our DHs are brothers). As I'm on mat leave, I often meet up with MiL on the day she has my niece. We often spend these days at my house as I have more space.

Anyway, I've recently been contacted by my SiL about these days. She's had some questions, and wants me to make sure MiL does certain things:

  • not watch TV (doesn't want niece watching TV, I mean)
  • make sure niece sits in a high chair for all snacks and meals (and wears the harness)
  • make sure niece eats all her lunch and in the right way (SiL has rules about eating)
  • spend a certain amount of time with niece looking at books, etc.


SiL has asked me to make sure MiL does these things, as she doesn't think she does at the moment. This is true, actually, as when I take my baby for a nap, MiL puts the TV on (CBeebies or something). She also lets my niece eat her snacks in the living room, while playing. I don't entirely understand the eating rules, but perhaps they're not completely followed either.

However, I don't think this is my business. Surely it's up to SiL to talk to MiL about it, and tell her how important it is to her that she does these things? I'm not the one responsible for my niece on those days (though obviously love her and help look after her), and I don't want to spy on MiL.

SiL has gotten a bit shirty with me, and started saying I'm should be more understanding about her rules, and would have my own when I go back to work. (I guess this is true). I've tried to play it all down and encourage her to talk to MiL, but it's all starting to get a bit aggressive.

For what it's worth, MiL is lovely and isn't doing anything 'wrong'. She might not be following all the rules, but a) they're not my rules, and b) she doesn't want my niece to get upset so perhaps lets her do things that SiL wouldn't allow (like eating while playing, having lunch at the time she wants, etc.).

I have actually tried to give my own opinion to MiL, as I also don't want the TV on, and I've tried to make sure we ALL sit and have meals together, but I don't want to go much further. It's not my place to tell her what to do.

I'm starting to be put in the middle, and I worry I'm going to end up upsetting someone. AIBU to try and stay out of it completely? Or will it backfire on me?
OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 30/04/2017 22:52

Oh God. Avoid like the fucking plague, if you can!! Your attitude sounds very sensible (her house her rules), whereas your SIL's attitude really doesn't.

You may need to make a blunt statement of 'I accept that it's her house and her rules - if you don't then there are some great childminders/nurseries about'. Rinse and repeat.

Trills · 30/04/2017 22:54

Ugh.

If SIL wants these things policed she can do it herself or get her DH to do it - it's his mother.

Wando1986 · 30/04/2017 22:55

Agree with LaContessa, tell her if she doesn't like it to pay for nursery. Also children are supposed to be spoilt a little by their grandparents. That's half the fun of having grandkids isn't it?

dinosaursandtea · 30/04/2017 22:55

Yes it's her house, her rules - but if she couldn't go along with what SIL asked, maybe she shouldn't have agreed!

LottieDoubtie · 30/04/2017 22:56

Don't whatever you do intervene!

SIL sounds like she needs a lot of control. For that to work she needs a more biddable MIL or paid childcare. Neither is your issue!

I would intervene in matters of safety but definitely not before then!

Piratefairy78 · 30/04/2017 22:56

If I was you I would try to stay out of it like you have been. SIL will have to discover that if she wants everything done her way then she will have to pay for childcare.

I was lucky enough that MIL had our dc for 2 days a week. We weighed up the fact that she may give them extra snacks/tv time occasionally and she may do some things differently to us. It was a price we were willing to pay.

TaliDiNozzo · 30/04/2017 22:57

Oh dear, definitely don't get involved. SIL sounds batshit tbh. I need to know what the food rules are though!

khajiit13 · 30/04/2017 22:58

Stay out of it. Tell SIL she's putting you in an awkward position and if she had issues she needs to address MIL.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2017 23:00

Stay out of it. Tell SiL that you don't want to get involved or get your DH to tell his brother.

Fwiw she should cut the woman some slack. It's only one day per week and she is being showered will love and care by granny

NoArmaniNoPunani · 30/04/2017 23:02

If sil wants to dictate how things are done she needs to use paid for child care. I turned down the offer of help from MIL because I knew she wouldn't do as we asked

PavlovianLunge · 30/04/2017 23:02

But isnt it the OP's house, not the MIL's, or have I misunderstood?

I'd be telling suggesting the brothers speak with their mother and get it sorted. And however aggrieved SIL might feel - justifiably or not - she's BVU to be aggressive towards you in any way.

nutbrownhare15 · 30/04/2017 23:03

Can you be very honest with sil and say I understand its very important to you but I simply cannot get involved in issues that are between you and mil. I have a relationship with her that I value (just as I value my rship with you) and I am.worried that answering your qs directly might be seem as going behind her back by her. I value my rship with both of you and so can't get involved in issues that are between you.

Tenerife2015 · 30/04/2017 23:05

Stay well out of it OP!

I hugely disagree with posters who have the 'gran's house, gran's rules' attitude! If you can't respect the parents wishes, don't agree to have the child! Rules may be batshit crazy but that's not grans choice.

The high chair suggestion isn't crazy.. If child uses a high chair at home but gets to eat and play on the floor at grans, it's going to make life difficult for parents at home.

RooKangaroo · 30/04/2017 23:09

Thank you all! Appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Your responses seem pretty unanimous, and quite reassuring! It's good to know I'm not doing something stupid (I was worried that by effectively sticking my fingers in my ears and going 'la la la, I can't hear you', I was creating trouble for myself).

I was also worried that, having not (yet) been in SiL's position, I wasn't being reasonable to her and her concerns.

The brothers (my DH and her DH) don't have the best relationship. It's not a bad relationship, but they're not close. It's because of me, SiL, and MiL that we see each other as much as we do (we all live very close as well).

I'll see how things go and practice some of your lines for SiL in case they're needed.

OP posts:
RooKangaroo · 30/04/2017 23:14

Pavlovian - true, it's my house usually, not MiL's. I do wonder if that makes it trickier, as it looks to SiL as if I sanction MiL's actions.....

OP posts:
annandale · 30/04/2017 23:17

Agree with other posters. Don't get pulled into this.

I would also say that SIL might struggle to find even paid childcare that will do things exactly as she likes.

GinSwigmore · 30/04/2017 23:25

If MIL and DN are at your house OP, then I guess it's your rulesWink
Seriously, don't touch this with a 40 foot pole. It's up to BIL to moan about the quality of free childcare he's getting.
Your niece is 1 1/2 and am assuming yours is younger? Do you have a high chair/belt?
That one I would go with. For all babies everywhere. I have learnt this to my cost. Grin Food/play separate.
Not sure what "in the right way" means. Order of food does not bother me nor whether it's finger food or not.
Books you can do easily. Just sit with yours and DN and buy some That's not my... books or buy the usual classics (rainbow fish/gruffalo/bear hunt/poppy cat/hungry caterpillar). Keep them at yours and do "cousin bonding" with them whilst MIL makes you a brew.
TV. Half an hour of cbeebies once a week, big whoop. But if she has this really set in stone, all you can do is either:
Turn a blind eye (it's not on your watch if you're napping so you can honestly say TV is not on when you're present and you wouldn't be lying)
Grass her up (but not your place)
Hide the remote
Put your DN to nap at the same time
Distract/divert DN with basket of pegs or saucepan/spoon when you are out the room

Your DH should have a word with his brother if SIL is getting aggressive about it. You're neither the paid help nor the Stasi ffs.
Eating together is nice. Time of lunch for me is not rigid because I think kids should only eat when they're hungry, but hey ho, your SIL would probably hate me.

But yes
Steer clear
Don't touch with a 40 foot pole
Make your BIL deal
It WILL backfire if you are involved

PavlovianLunge · 30/04/2017 23:34

I think being at your house does makes it trickier for you, so I'd be inclined to start going to MIL's house, and to really press your SIL and BIL to iron this out with your MIL, rather than her expecting you to be her enforcer.

GinSwigmore · 30/04/2017 23:34

Ah just read the brothers aren't close.
Are you close to MIL?
Are you close to SIL?
Who are you most allied with?
Is SIL close to MIL? Could she be Envy of your relationship with her?
As for the "You'll be in the same boat soon" lecture/threat all you can say to that is...
Yep, you can take revenge then if you ever have mine
Yep, I guess I'll be at the mercy of whoever has them, won't I?
Yep, I will be using a nursery full-time for that reason
Well, as long as I am consistent at what happens at home, then [child] will behave accordingly depending on where they are (surprisingly, a lot of kids do change behaviours/routines between different places: they know what they get away with where!)
Shamrock

Siwdmae · 30/04/2017 23:40

I wouldn't be letting an 18 month old eat in the lounge, too messy and potential for ruining stuff. If you don't want the tv on, then I would insist on that. As for the rest, it's up to you, your house, you do as you like!

SparkyBlue · 30/04/2017 23:45

Oh god whatever you do don't get involved. Your sister in law should be very grateful to be getting a day of free childcare every week. If she wants to lay down rules then she needs to pay someone to do the minding.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/04/2017 23:49

I wouldn't spy but I also wouldn't be very impressed with someone who wouldn't follow fairly mainstream parental instruction without openly being clear about that.
It's not at all unusual to expect a harness to be used in a high chair nor to expect Tv to be limited nor to expect food to be eaten at a table.

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/04/2017 23:54

Don't get involved. You're not there to police mil.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 30/04/2017 23:55

I do get that it's a MN 'thing' to say that if you're getting free childcare you shouldn't gripe about it. But unless your rules are batshit, why wouldn't your parent go along with them?
My DM used to have DD once a week. I asked her not to give DD chocolate or sweets, and instead gave her fruit bars to give her instead. DM gave her chocolate. Just why?

caroldecker · 01/05/2017 00:07

Are you planning on using MIL as childcare? Does she do anything you would object to with your DC? Are you creating a precedent?

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