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Please tell me I'm not

(101 Posts)
Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 19:30:49

I've spent my life being conditioned by my mother to think I am constantly unreasonable and I can't take it any more! The constant digs and off hand comments about my life, my friends and how I raise my child. The current thing is that she's unhappy that I'm having a party for my 5 year old instead of having a family dinner with her. She's been invited to the party (that is the weekend after) but wanted to make him a cake for his actual birthday (I asked he not to as I plan on putting a lot of effort into his birthday cake) I'm taking him round after school on his actual birthday to see her (last year she had him the day before his birthday and made him a cake with candles to get it in before I could) She's now declared she's not coming on the party day as it will be all parents (who I don't know either) and accused me of ringing because I feel guilty about how I've treated her! She has said in a very PA way that we do things our own way so she's not getting involved (my husband is not him until after 6 so any family thing as she has planned would be without him). Sorry it's such a huge post but as I now have friends who are normal (found this hard for a long time as such low self esteem) I realise she's NOT normal and though when she is nice she is very nice I just don't like her anymore sad.

Whatsername17 Sun 30-Apr-17 19:33:03

Yanbu. Practice saying 'suit your self, mother. We are having a party, come and be nice or don't come at all'. Then do not engage in her crap!

NellieFiveBellies Sun 30-Apr-17 19:33:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoyceDivision Sun 30-Apr-17 19:33:16

High maintence! Avoid calling before birthday! Avoid calling for a couple of weeks and let her get in touch with you.

There is no need for people to be such hard work.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 30-Apr-17 19:35:19

Remember you are a dm now not just a dd to be bossed around!! How you handle your dc and their birthday, upbringing etc is up to you. . Not her. Stand your ground. .

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 19:40:19

She is such hard work! I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells - I never know which version of her I'm going to get! Then there's the - don't worry about doing XYZ then if I don't do it she goes bat shit crazy!

Trb17 Sun 30-Apr-17 19:41:27

YANBU. She is. She needs to accept being invited when you choose to invite her and to understand that you have the right to do things without her for your own family and without her consent.

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 19:43:29

She looked after DS for a year while I worked (I paid her quite a lot) and she constantly refers to her having raised him. I'm expecting another one and the thoughtless things she has said about it has really chipped away at our relationship - I don't even like spending time with her anymore and though I do love her, I don't really like her.

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 19:46:20

I just really need some hand holding - this is so hard for me. I always feel like it's my fault, even when the rational side of me sees she is the unreasonable one.

Wolfiefan Sun 30-Apr-17 19:49:37

Why can't she make a cake? I don't understand. Cake for actual birthday?
She doesn't have to come to the party. It's not for her. It's for the birthday child!

Quickieat2 Sun 30-Apr-17 19:55:12

She sounds awful.

What is she saying about your baby?

Yellowcups Sun 30-Apr-17 19:59:48

I remember your previous post about her doing cake and present day before birthday. Glad to hear you've found the strength to stick up to her.

justkeepswimmingg Sun 30-Apr-17 20:01:29

Sounds very similar to my own mother. You need to be firm 'thanks for the offer of the cake, but I will be making DS cake this year and I've already started prep for it'. That's the end of the conversation. Don't let her guilt you in any way, move on from the topic and ignore the sulking in the background. Cut visits short if she continues. She will soon learn that your way goes, and she needs to respect that or she's isolating herself - and missing out on DS growing up. It needs to be nipped in the bud before she starts interfering with DC2 flowers

PhyllisNights Sun 30-Apr-17 20:01:59

Sounds like your mother emotionally blackmails you. My father is a nightmare for trying to tell me what to do and making snide remarks. I try to see as little as possible of him. I'm an adult, I run my life & that's just how you have to be.

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 20:02:01

An actual cake with candles - it's what she did last year the day before his birthday too when I wasn't there.

Wolfiefan Sun 30-Apr-17 20:03:28

I don't understand why her making a cake takes anything from you? It's about his birthday and what he would like.

Hassled Sun 30-Apr-17 20:05:59

It's good that you can rationalise it - that you love her, but you don't really like her. That's pretty common, and absolutely fair enough - but lots of people find it hard to identify, IYSWIM,, and you've done it. Now you just need to work on the self-doubt - if you think/know you're being reasonable, stick to your guns.

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 20:06:30

When I'd just come out of hospital after being on an IV for severe morning sickness she told me I should have just stuck with the child I have, telling me she has to have the baby at least one day a week or she would have no bond with the baby,I shouldn't have another child as she couldn't love another as much as DS, I'm only having another baby to take a year off work, I'm having another one to erase memories of DS as a baby (he had horrendous reflux which she blamed on me taking too many antacids when pregnant) The list goes on.

SavoyCabbage Sun 30-Apr-17 20:07:38

I do. With a little child like that it's going to take the excitement of his real birthday away somewhat if he has just had a cake the day before.

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 20:10:20

The cake thing is because she is always trying to 'win' I mentioned what I was getting for DS from baby as a gift after scan - please don't buy that particular thing mum - she goes out and gets it with him the next day. I tell her what I'm getting him for this birthday - she goes out the next time she has him and buys him it. She tried desperately for my DS to like her more than me, she completely undermines me at every opportunity. I only want him to have one birthday cake, the one I make for him.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 30-Apr-17 20:10:46

so you don''t think that the op should have anything at all to do with he own son's birthday then Wolfie? Of course it takes away from the OP ....Op's mother had her turn to do cakes and be in charge with her own children

fair enough if op cannot bake or would like her mother to take over but she plainly does not

You know what OP...I would most certainly NOT be taking him round after school on his birthday either...you KNOW she will try and pip you to the post with another cake

FairytalesAreBullshit Sun 30-Apr-17 20:12:17

I'm sorry about this, it sounds like she's having a strop because she can't get her own way. Would you be better NC?

Elphaba99 Sun 30-Apr-17 20:13:12

YANBU. Your Mother sounds a bit narcissistic. Your Son, your boundaries. She sounds like she tries her best to undermine you and that's not acceptable.

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sun 30-Apr-17 20:17:03

I don't have any useful advice. Just hand holding and brew from me. She sounds exhausting.

Just remember it's not you. It's her.

And this is your son. You're allowed to bloody celebrate his birthday! Take care X

Jellymuffin Sun 30-Apr-17 20:17:18

I really appreciate the support. My husband has despaired for years about the hold she has over me and I finally feel I can see it now. there has been so much over the years ots exhausting to think about.

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