I was the perfect parent with clear ideas of what I wanted and how it would all be. Then DD (PFB) came along, and scrapped all that and I found myself winging it/working it out as we went along. All seemed ok, if not perfect, but now 18 months later I feel like what we're doing is just not working anymore and I don't know how to fix it, mostly as I'm not sure what I want.
Difficult pregnancy and awful, medicalised birth, ill DD and long hospital stay but I was determined to breastfeed so did. It wasn't easy - lots of pain/mastitis and not much support but we eventually got there. From birth she would fall asleep at the breast (bad, I know) but to be honest, she didn't do much else other than sleep and feed for a LONG time - never was an 'awake' newborn. We got to the point where she could fall asleep on her own in the moses/cot, but it all went downhill after a holiday and we were back to her falling asleep at the breast. Then she was ill a lot, so waking up a lot at night and somehow ended up both breastfeeding multiple times at night AND taking her into the bed (also bad, I know) with us for the sake of a few hours sleep/sanity. This was all 'ok' while I was on maternity leave (I could nap in the day or lie in with her the next morning), but 6 months into working fulltime and I feel like I'm going to collapse wth exhaustion - its just not working for me anymore.
Problem is I'm not sure what I want/how to change! I think its the combination of still breastfeeding (which DH isn't especially supportive of), multiple wake-ups at night, where she just wants to feed and not just having DD in our bed, but her nighttime clinginess (constantly waking up and 'checking' I'm there or asking for milk) made worse since I was away over easter. Breastfeeding - I wouldn't mind just feeding her at bedtime and in the morning (what I had hoped to aim for once I started work but just isn't happening) but all through the night is exhausting. She has seen a paediatrician for her health problems who recently started treatment for reflux - so I don't know whether she's waking up because it hurts and the milk is soothing that, or if its just a learned behaviour. Sleep - she's never slept through the night. Even when she fell asleep on her own, in the cot and stayed in the cot all night, she did always wake up agitated and take a lot of soothing or a breastfeed to go back to sleep. Being ill messed up that routine (which was the best its ever been) and I don't know if its even possible to go back to that. I don't even mind having her in the bed with us, if she wants comfort and will sleep better - she does settle with cuddles, but wakes up soon after asking for milk. DH says that milk is all she wants me for (DH says many unkind things currently - we're not in a good place), which though partly true (there is a lot of boob grabbing at night, and sometimes in the day) has hit home and is getting me a bit down about it all
Posting for advice/ideas, and open to suggestions or criticism(!) from all points of view really. (This post is probably outing, but I don't really care anymore).
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AIBU?
to be in a muddle about how I want to parent (breastfeeding/sleep)
27 replies
heretomakeupthenumbers · 30/04/2017 14:13
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