to not support my husband(30 Posts)
My dh is currently suggesting he apply for a new job. He loves his current job- he is good at it, highly respected at work, it offers challenge, it's close for him to walk, he gets great time off holiday-wise and the pay is good. He knows all this and is open about it. It's just a personal itch he wants to scratch- feels he should try something new. This new job however would mean fewer holidays and no pay difference. The main worry for me is that it is so far removed from the type of person that I think he is- I cannot see how this job would suit him, nor would be have relevant experience and therefore would find the role very challenging, at first at least. We have just had our third baby and now have 3 children under 5. I just can't find it in myself to feel ok about him doing this- our current set up works great, he is happy at work, he is fairly close to home, he can be home for teatime everyday and gets good holiays which means we get great family time together. I can't see why he would want to cause such an upheaval whilst our children are so young. He worries he is getting old- 40- and feels the need to try something different. He is getting upset by my lack of support
Sounds like he's having a middle age crisis - can you direct his need to 'find himself' to another area of his life like a hobby?
I agree with you. I think that when you have serious commitments, you can't just indulge your whims. I wouldn't support any change that meant my life would be harder and I would have to take on his responsibilities as well as my own, unless there were financial benefits.
And to be completely honest - support him in applying - just safe in the knowledge he'll never get it as you say he doesn't have the skills... win win you've supported him but he doesn't move jobs! Unless of course he gets it!
I think he would be daft to do this. If it's not broke, then don't fix it.
He needs to scratch that itch in another way.
Thank you you are making me feel much better. I genuinely feel awful... I like the idea of encouraging him to fulfil through a hobby- I know he has felt a loss of a few things he used to do, like music
i think im like your dh, im the main breadwinner, my job is good, decent money, can walk to work, good hours etc but i do feel the need to try something new, i know in my head i wont be able to get anything as good as ive got now but i still feel that i want to try something new.
A new job is a family desicion IMO as it affects you both. Especially initially - establishing oneself in a new company generally necessitates putting in lots of extra hours to give the appearance of hitting the ground running.
And the point at which he has 3 children aged under 5 really doesn't sound great.
It might be worth considering putting a time or date on when you think it could work for the family, if he still felt the same? It's not that he can never change jobs, but needs to wait until youngest goes to nursery (or whatever).
I understand the financial concerns, but if my partner was unhappy in his job I'd absolutely support him in looking for something else. I wouldn't ask him to continue being unhappy because it would 'make my life harder' if he changed jobs, as a PP suggested.
I may be biased, as up until a few years ago I was in a very secure, well paid job... but I was miserable. I quit and went back to uni to pursue my 'dream job' and I am now so happy I feel like a whole different person. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of anyone else having that chance.
Perhaps you can ask him to stick it out for another year or so, and then if he's still feeling restless after that you'll support him in looking for something else?
Agree with pp, it doesn't sound like a sensible move for the family as a whole right now, but support him (don't have to be completely enthusiastic and make sure you're clear why) and keep your fingers crossed that he doesn't get it. If you don't support him he is likely to feel resentful of that, which could reappear further down the line in other situations too.
If there are other things he would enjoy getting back into it might curtail the mid life crisis need for change.
Does he options for promotion in his current job or is he forever going to be stuck at that level? Does the new job offer new challenges in a new career that might be more beneficial financially and intellectually?
If he is doing it for a career change you could suggest something like studying at the Open University first to aid a future move. This will take some time so it gets you beyond the stage of the children being so young. Of course, if you have another then this debate will come up again so you need to plan ahead on that issue as well.
In fact you probably need to plan ahead on that regardless of any study as if you have another then you wont want him to move then either. Which would be a shame.
And then, if he holds off now, what about your return to work. I assume 3 kids under 5 has meant little or no time in a workplace for a few years now so what about your career aspirations? Will you be want to return to work when the kids go to primary school and view his current set-up as ideal to facilitate your career as well? In that case I would tell him that and ask him to not move and give up the idea of moving for the next decade or so. Of course, if you are planning to be a SAHP for the next decade or so I would really think about how much of a hold you want to put on your husbands work aspirations.
IMO a job is just a job nowadays, and if you have one which ticks all the boxes you are very lucky..but your job doesn't define you, it is not your life. As pp's have said encouraging him to make the most of his free time would help to break the mundanity of his work life. Music is great, and easy to get back into. Groupon is also a winner.. having myself just been up in a helicopter, an experience I wouldn't have even contemplated until I saw the ad. Obviously yourself and DC should be thought of, and all do something interesting and different together aswell.
If his job was making him miserable then I would say YABU, but if he is fine at work and just has an itch to scratch then it's a little bit selfish to do it with a young family in tow.... he isnt young, free and single anymore and sometime we do things we dont want to for the good of our families.
Is this job age dependant? Like it's probably better if you start your career as a surfing instructor before your 40s or is it more he thinks he is running out of time to make a change before he gets stuck?
Also is it because he has been offered this job or is it just something he wants to persue?
Maybe a good thing to do would be say....I support you in XYZ but can we save a bit more of a financial buffer etc and you actually get a job offer/some experience before we jump in feet first so just in case it doesn't work out we are not all hung out to dry along with you.
His happiness and career fulfilment is important but not more important than your children and their stability.
I swear it was easier when they had a mid life crisis and the worst that came out of it was an awful sports car, bad highlights and a half arsed gym membership....
Frieda909, OP says he loves his current job though.
Your current arrangements are perfect for you but not for him. Maybe he can find something that will improve his life enormously at only small cost to you, at which point the word "compromise" becomes available.
If he misses music, ask him if he would be interested in challenging himself that way. Have him set himself a very ambitious goal, one out of his comfort zone.
Never learned guitar? A Zeppelin solo in 12 months. Piano? A Mozart sonata in 12 months. Although you might want to get an electric keyboard with headphones!
A challenge like that can be so satisfying and fulfilling and an achievement that makes you feel rounded to boot. Use that restless creative energy for something interesting.
Learn 3 languages in a year! Use those holidays to test his new skills!
Frieda, op has said her she is happy in his job, he's not miserable. If that were the case I'm sure she'd support him.
He's just looking for a change. I agree, now is not the right time to do.that. encourage a hobby, try to get him intersested/ active in his music again.
I would love a change of job at the moment. I don't enjoy work but I won't get anything that pays as well for the little hours I do and be as flexible with the hours . I'm accepting this while the kids are young but hoping to find something more challenging / more to my liking when they get older. Here's hoping
Supporting someone is about more than just blindly agreeing to whatever they want to do. Why don't you make a pros and cons list together?
That said, you sound a bit as though you know what he would like better than him. Surely that can't be right.
Despite what the OP says about him being happy in his current job, the fact that he wants a career change clearly indicates otherwise.
My suspicion is that it is the OP that is content about her husband's current job and the security it provides.
To me, it reads like his job suits you.
If he is the main, or likely only, breadwinner then he should be free to choose his own job. It's not your decision, it's his as an adult.
We only get such a short time on the planet, why should he ignore his wants and desires just because it suits you?
An ex of mine did this - left a stable job to go to another that I absolutely KNEW he wasn't right for. And I was right, he got thrown off the training course for being shit at it.
So was left with no training, no job...and then left the marriage (because the stress had caused a breakdown). So I was left with no husband.
Be careful that this doesn't signal a whole new lot of 'changes', OP (possibly I am projecting there, but I know other men who've done the 'change job, change partners' thing too).
Rainbows and unicorns it reads as if it suits the whole family just like her being a stay at home mum does. The new jobs puts his needs ahead of the family at a loss deficit. I stay at my part time job for that very reasons.
Truthfully though he is applying for it, if as you say it does not suit his skill set he is unlikely to get it so I think you are creating an issue where one in not likely to exist
I can't get past his he is upset by my lack of support.
What about the support he is supposed to be giving you and his 3 small children? By doing something like this, he will be actively withdrawing support from you and his children! He will spend less time in the evenings with them. He will have less holiday to spend time with them or even just cover childcare when/if you are working and can't cover all their school holidays, etc. And there will be no increase in income to make up for any of it!
Tell him to find a hobby that he enjoys.
With three children under five and all four of you totally financially dependent on him, now is not the time for a radical career-change, most especially a role which offers no increase in salary. I think he's daft.
This decision needs to be put off for a while. Jobs come up all the time, so this is not a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I think he's contemplating something which is far too risky given your current circumstances.
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