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AIBU?

bullying, school refusal

34 replies

sfw121006 · 29/04/2017 17:58

following bullying my daughter is refusing to go to school, we have been told we have to get her there every day, so we push her in after a lot off stress and upset for us all, she is loosing her trust in me and comes out every day just as up set which makes the next morning even worse, the school tell my they are working with her but she seems to spend some of the day in isolation which is the schools punishment, They are now telling me she has anxiety and we have to go to gp, she wasn't upset before she was bullied!!! I see lots of pupils going to school and feel isolated myself, would help to find another family going through the same!!!!

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FaintlyHopeful · 29/04/2017 18:02

How old is she?

Italiangreyhound · 29/04/2017 18:24

.sfw121006 this sounds really awful for your dd. and also for you.

I have not been through this but have read and heard a lot about bullying.

There is an anti-bullying section of Mumsnet for advice.

There are also anti bullying charities that you can contact for advice.

How old is dd?

How long has this been going on?

Please take your dd through the steps to get a referral for anxiety via GP. Whatever has started it she needs help. Could this be used as a reason to keep her off school for her to have some build herself up time or would this make it worse?

Bullying can diminish a person so do all you can to build her up. Let her have her say about what you should do and say. You may not give her, or be able to give her, full autonomy but you can give her some autonomy. Work out what choices you can allow her before speaking about this, I suggest.

In your shoes, I would make an appointment with teacher or head of year or head (whoever you feel will be most sympathetic/understanding/ get most done.

Ask for this appointment as a matter of urgency.

Get the full picture from your dd about what is happening. Take your husband/ partner or a trusted friend or relative to the meeting, take a pad and pen and make notes. Whether your dd comes to meeting or part of meeting is really dependent on her age, IMHO.
Ask school for their take on situation, what they are doing, what the plan is etc? Then say how you would like things handled and see what they suggest.
Government information and guidelines on anti bullying are available on line.print these off, read them. Print of school anti bullying guidelines and read them too.

Is your dd in physical danger?

If this confines I would be prepared to move school.

Good luck, stay strong. Your dd beds you to be strong and not overwhelmed by this

Italiangreyhound · 29/04/2017 18:30

If this continues not confines

Your dd needs you to be strong...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/04/2017 19:23

I don't blame your poor dd for not wanting to go to school. What are they doing about the bullying. Reading between the lines they don't seem very supportive. Of course your dd has anxiety. Caused by cunting bullies and victims blaming staff.
Have you spoken to the safe guarding officer.
The school would not accept bullying for their own children.

Wolfiefan · 29/04/2017 19:26

Is the bullying ongoing or has it been dealt with? That's the first thing.
The isolation thing may be their attempt to take her out of lessons she finds stressful.
Arrange a meeting with the school. What are they doing and what can they do to make things less stressful for your poor DD?
I would visit GP or ask for help with anxiety. Whatever the cause that's an awful thing to suffer with.

LornaD40 · 29/04/2017 19:37

Why is she being placed in isolation - are there behaviour concerns?

I would definitely take her to the GP, even if the cause is bullying.

What have the school done/said/put in place re the bullying? (And what is actually happening - is it friendship issues? One particular child? A group?)

sfw121006 · 30/04/2017 09:44

Thank you for all you massages, the bullies have been spoken too, she is in isolation because she isn't happy in lessons, she is 12

The school are helping once she is in school I just have to keep getting her there! was hoping to find a mum in same situation so could get some tips for the stressful mornings.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 30/04/2017 16:27

OP I'm not in the same boat as you but do have a 12 year old girl (Year6) who is having some 'issues' with a so-called-friend.

witsender · 30/04/2017 16:34

What have the school done with the bully? Are they still there? Maybe she needs a break, some time at home

Eeeeek2 · 30/04/2017 16:40

Go to the gp and get her signed off with stress due to bullying.

Then get a meeting with her head of year and work out what measures they can put in place to sort it. Isolation should not be the answer in any way! Another classroom that she can work in with older children in close to the lesson? Library as an escape if her she becomes overwhelmed in her class?

Where is this bullying coming from? Can she be moved classes so she is no longer with the bullies? School is not doing enough if she is this resistant to school that it's causing anxiety.

Talk to her and see if she can suggest some solutions. Don't agree to any measures that school suggest unless your daughter feels they will help or she is willing to try and see if they help.

LornaD40 · 30/04/2017 16:45

School is not doing enough if she is this resistant to school that it's causing anxiety.
Not sure that's necessarily true. We don't know the whole picture or what other factors are involved.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/04/2017 17:36

School is not doing enough if she is this resistant to school that it's causing anxiety.

You are to a certain extent correct, but the school are doing what they can. And they are pretty much tied up in red tape over what they can do.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2017 11:50

OP can you give your dd some choices that will empower?

Eg
Does she arrive at school early or on time?

Does she go by his, walk, cycle or bus?

Does she come straight home after school? Or go out? Or meet you somewhere if that is possible?

Does she want to meet with the class teacher or other to assess how things, or does she want you to do that for her?

Just ideas.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2017 11:51

Does she go by lift I mean.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2017 11:52

...how things are going....

Astro55 · 01/05/2017 12:06

School refusal is a set 'mark' on the regeisters - so not marked as asbsent!

You need a paper trail

You need to find out why she's unhappy in lessons - particular child?

Can she move forms?

Is she autistic?

Email every incident - even if it's every day

Listen to your daughter -

Get copies of the complaints procedure and read it

Start fighting your daughters right to feel safe in school

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/05/2017 12:47

Is changing schools, or home schooling an option? If she is suffering genuinely from anxiety, the GP can get her assigned for home tutoring from the local childrens hospitals school, if you live near one.

I was bullied to the point i wasn't sleeping til gone 4am every night, up at half 7, school, home and nap between 3-5pm, by 8pm i was having panic attacks as i knew the next day was coming and i'd have to go back.
It got to the point i was walking out into the main road every day hoping to get hit, i'd get a tiny wave of relief from the final home time bell, but half way home the rising panic would start again i had to go back.
When i did tell my parents after 18 months my mum went in, they refused to even suspend the bully as it was my word against theirs with no proof and they wouldn't jeopardise the education of the bully on my say so in case i was lying!

Please, don't force her to go if she's that scared and anxious, it will affect her for life. Ask her what she wants to do, change school etc, and properly talk through all options, not just "you have to go"!

Astro55 · 01/05/2017 12:49

and properly talk through all options, not just "you have to go"!

Totally agree with this - your DD needs you to be on her side - at the moment you are siding with the school - she needs help

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2017 12:55

Totally agree with Jill that is so tragic for you Jill, I hope you have found help as an adult.

Children really do need to feel safe. I agree with changing schools or home schooling if you cannot gr this resolved quickly. Fp.listen to your dd. Do get GP help for anxiety too. no matter how it started.

Charlie97 · 01/05/2017 12:59

I could've written this post, my son was 11, it was horrific.

I conformed, it was damaging for many years. He was my eldest and I was led by the school.

I nor he will never get over it, it took years to mend.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am you're experiencing this,

Please PM me to get more details if you wish!

Charlie97 · 01/05/2017 13:01

My son would run away, jump out of the car .... horrific memories

ChickenBhuna · 01/05/2017 13:10

I don't know enough about you situation to make a judgement OP , so I won't. What I will say though is that I've been in a similar situation with my child.

Having spoken to the school several times and made my child go to school I got to a point where all I saw was a miserable child that cried every night and was having their confidence torn to shreds daily.

I decided to homeschool my child , it's far from ideal but it's better than having them torn to pieces daily by peers. I'm waiting on a new school place to become available.

helpimitchy · 01/05/2017 13:13

There are alternatives to school.

We've removed ds2 from school due to bullying and he's being educated at Interhigh now.

Italiangreyhound · 01/05/2017 13:50

Could you give your dd a choice about changing school or home schooling? It really depends how difficult this is for her.

If it is like the situation Jill describes then I think changing schools would 've a really good idea. But really important to listen to your dd and hear what she feels. Even if you cannot find a place straight away or give her exactly what she wants straight away.

It is very important for her to feel listened to. If the situation is as bad as Jill's then ignore my earlier comments about empowering choices. Those were for situations where something is a little bit wrong and children just need to feel more empowered.

If the situation is as Charlie and others describe then she doesn't just need to feel empowered but to be rescued from the difficult situation and also to be genuinely be empowered, IMHO.

Good luck.

sfw121006 · 02/05/2017 13:32

Taking all of your messages on board thank you, my d went in a bit better this morning, she goes in after 9 and goes to a room where a lady works with her, to calm her i had a call she attended 3 lessons and her friend sat with her in a quiet room at lunch time, im feeling more posative at the moment just hope she feels stronger tomorrow! Im pleased with the lady helping her so far

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