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AIBU?

Feeling hurt by old friend. AIBU/WWYD?

121 replies

Beaubeagle · 29/04/2017 15:20

Bit of background. My exh and I split up after 16 years together (9 years married) when I found he was sleeping with a work colleague (prior to this we had a very good marriage and everyone, including myself, was shocked) We subsequently divorced and he is still with OW. They have our 3DC EOW & 4 weeks per year hols, and although I know the importance of having their father in their lives, the fact that the OW who distroyed my family gets to play happy families with my DC absolutely kills me.

DF is someone I have known since nursery (30+ years). We lost touch during our teens but got back in touch around 9 years ago. We don't see each other that often but have 3 or 4 days out together every year, plus occasional nights out with partners (I'm now remarried) and we frequently FB message. She is my oldest and one of my closest friends.

DF only knew Exh through me. A couple of years before we split, Exh got DF's partner a job in his firm. They didn't work directly with each other but saw each other in passing and we would have occasional nights out as a foursome. Neither my Exh or DF's partner work for the same company anymore as both left some time ago now.

It has come to light recently, via FB, that DF and her partner have being seeing ExH and his OW socially. OW is now listed as a 'friend' of DF and frequently comments on DF's posts, making it obvious that they are more than just acquaintances.

I feel very hurt that DF of years saw everything I went through because of this woman but now she is friends with her. I've not said anything to her because I can't obviously tell someone who they can and can't be friends with, but aibu to feel betrayed and upset? DF has messaged me to ask to arrange a night out with our partners but I haven't replied because I don't know what to say. The OW took my husband, plays 'mum' to my children and now has taken my friend too. Sad

Would you lose an old friend because of OW or should I just accept that she can be friends with whoever she likes, even if it does hurt?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 29/04/2017 15:23

Nah, that's shit. I would feel pretty betrayed if I were you. Even if she did have the occasional social meeting with her you think she's have the tact not to "friend" her on FB where you would obviously see it.

insideoutoutsidein · 29/04/2017 15:26

Apologies, no advice here but didn't want to read and run. Sorry you're going through this, I know I'd feel exactly the same if I was in your position.

SorrelSoup · 29/04/2017 15:26

I would expect her loyalty too. I would remain polite but wouldn't socialise with her. She's very naive if she doesn't see the problem.

WashingMatilda · 29/04/2017 15:29

Oh OP that's so shit. I think you should have a quiet and calm word with her, let her see how hurt you are. It was clearly a little while ago now, so maybe she has some misjudged notion that as it has been so long you wouldn't be bothered?
You're right, you can't tell her who to be friends with but DF is clearly important to you.
With regards to your comments about OW 'Playing mum', do you know this to be the case?
I only ask because i am a stepmum to four wonderful children, (and not the OW so that might make a difference) and I have always said to them how I am not their mummy, how they have a lovely mummy who loves them, and if they want to be, I am happy just to be their friend. That was two years ago now and, whilst it may look to others on the outside that I'm 'Playing mum' because of the fun we all have, I know I will never, nor would I want to, ever replace their mum.
Is it something your DC's have mentioned to you or is it just that they have a good time with her? (Even though I understand that in itself would be tough)

Sexykitten2005 · 29/04/2017 15:30

Nah fuck that. My moral code wouldn't allow me to be friends with someone who had done that to anyone, let alone a friend. I would tell her how you feel, after all I would consider her "lost" anyway.

R2G · 29/04/2017 15:30

I'd let her know that you know they are socialising and so you feel you have to distance yourself socially as that's incongruent to maintaining a close friendship. YANBU.

Chloe84 · 29/04/2017 15:30

I would have to tell her how much it feels like a betrayal and how it hurts. Sorry OP Flowers

MusicToMyEars800 · 29/04/2017 15:30

I would be feeling betrayed and hurt too, I wouldn't be able to continue a friendship purely down to my own paranoid thoughts, but that's me. Have you spoke to your DF about how you feel?

Corneliusmurphy · 29/04/2017 15:33

I can't imagine someone I love doing this to me. I know you have to be grown up where the kids are concerned but when it comes down to friends it should be a safe place to vent - and how can she be if she's friends with the ow??
What's the point without loyalty and imagine she knows better than most how you felt/feel.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 29/04/2017 15:38

Mmmm tricky. My now ExH cheated on me and I think in your shoes it would feel weird and almost like a betrayal of our friendship to be so pally with her, however if her husband is good friends with your ExH and they do things as couples I suppose a friendship would grow.

Did it happen years ago if you're all re-married?

It is painful she took your husband and now she's getting on with your friend.

You need to talk to your friend or it will eat you up inside. And maybe block the ow on fb so nothing appears in your newsfeed with your mutual friend or it'll be too raw.

Honeybee79 · 29/04/2017 15:49

I would feel the same in your shoes op. I think you have to be honest with your friend and explain how you feel.

mmgirish · 29/04/2017 16:03

I would feel exactly the same. That's really shitty of her.

kittybiscuits · 29/04/2017 16:05

I would just reply 'no thanks' and block her. Life is too short to deal with this shit.

Mrscaindingle · 29/04/2017 16:07

Sorry op I don't think she's a good friend of yours, where's her loyalty ? And if she thinks this is OK why hasn't she said to you that she sees your ex and OW socially? Clearly the fact she's been secretive about it shows she knows it's not OK.

abbsisspartacus · 29/04/2017 16:11

When my ex and I split up my friends stayed friendly to a point then he began shagging me off and the loyal friends put him straight and cut him off

MakeItRain · 29/04/2017 16:13

I agree that I couldn't really consider her to be a close friend after that and wouldn't feel able to socialise with her. I had a similar situation with an old friend remaining friends with and socialising with my ex after a horrible break up. I tried to stay friends and have the attitude of 'she can be friends with whoever she likes', but it was just too difficult (for me) and I haven't seen her now for a couple of years.

Maudlinmaud · 29/04/2017 16:15

That would be it for me. I would cut her off without an explanation.

RhiWrites · 29/04/2017 16:16

You know sometimes one does just click with people.

But she's been a crap friend to you by making friends with the OW. I'm so sorry.

JaneEyre70 · 29/04/2017 16:16

OP she is no friend by behaving in this way. I'd feel horribly betrayed too, and don't think I would want to carry things on any further. She knows what your ex and OW did to you, and to see them socially is vile. What a nasty thing to do to you Flowers.

DirtyChaiLatte · 29/04/2017 16:18

I think you should tell her you would never tell her who she can and cannot be friends with because you don't have the right to do that, but you cannot just switch off your feelings of hurt and betrayal.

I myself would feel the same as you do, and I'm not sure how I'd get over it either.

user1471530109 · 29/04/2017 16:20

I have a similar situation. My df still works with my xh. He had an affair and left me and the dcs three years ago (youngest had just turned one).
I met up with df only last week and she repeatedly kept talking about xh and the ow. She even retold funny stories he had told df about the ow. And I don't mean in a way that meant she was bitching about him. It felt like she had thrown a glass o water over me hearing her name drop the ow like it was an old acquaintance.
She genuinely sees xh as her friend. And I'm completely fine with that (I have no choice). But I felt uncomfortable, upset and betrayed by the whole conversation over lunch.

OP, I think I'd leave it until she makes contact again. Then say you feel uncomfortable about her new 'friend'. Her reaction after would make me decide how to go from there.
I've been too much of a wimp to bring it up. But I will be keeping my distance (which really hurts as I don't have many friends).
I totally get how you feel Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 29/04/2017 16:21

Cut her off.

I could not consider her to be a good friend after this.

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pringlecat · 29/04/2017 16:28

I lost some very close friends to the OW too. It took much less time getting over the ex than it did getting over the friends' betrayal. I'm sorry you feel so let down. Your feelings are valid and this is shitty.

SabineUndine · 29/04/2017 16:32

I wouldn't want anything more to do with her, and if she tries to get in touch with you I would tell her how you feel. At the very least, she has been exceptionally insensitive.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2017 16:32

I am sorry, she is not a friend of yours, you just don't do that to a friend, her loyalty is not with you unfortunately.

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