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AIBU?

To not be sure what to do?

32 replies

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 08:32

OH and I have been together about three years, lived together for two. He travels for work every week, and I commute. I recently changed jobs to the other side of London so cannot commute from where we are so we are looking to move.

We had agreed a location (let's call it X) based on the properties around there. Earlier this week I expressed my concern that 1) would he be happy there as I know he wasn't keen on the move anyway and 2) money. He makes more than me, we split household costs down the middle (which I am fine with) but I can't always afford to do xyz and don't have as much disposable cash. I have taken a pay cut in my current job for longer term prospects. I told him I was really concerned about money and being able to know that he would be there if I needed him as otherwise I didn't feel it would work. He told me that if I didn't think he would I didn't know him at all etc etc. BUT there have been instances in the past which have led me to think he might be like this.

Anyway, he has now said to me that he doesn't want to live in X because of my "behaviour" and he thinks it is too remote (it's zone 4) and he must be closer to his friends for when he sees them once a month. I suggested place Y which was somewhere we liked and looked at to start but Y is out of our price range and it is only 10 minutes away from X!

There have been times in the past where I have thought about leaving. I've stayed because I have wanted it to work and we want the same things long term. AIBU to be pissed off? Should I just go?

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FritzDonovan · 29/04/2017 09:52

Sounds like he doesn't really want to move because it inconveniences him for no personal benefit. If he's not thinking about sorting things out as a couple, he doesn't sound like he's in it for the long haul. As you can't commute from your current home maybe you should look at living apart again for a bit? If you both want it to work you will both be putting effort into staying together as a couple iyswim. If not, better to find out earlier than later.

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 09:59

Thanks, FritzDonovan. I'm just upset about this change of heart - we found a property we liked and were waiting on confirmation of dates. I have actually started the other job. It is closer to both of our families than where we are now and I am staying with mine during the work week and coming home at weekends. I know I didn't talk to him about taking the job - yesterday he told
Me I didn't think about the consequences before taking it - but I said that if I get it, I would take it. I want to be closer to family but also (and more importantly for me imo), it has good prospects. I was desperately unhappy in my last job by the end and he knew that. I guess i figured given how much he is away for his job it wouldn't be that big a deal as I have picked locations factoring his work travel in also.

Lately I have felt that he needs to grow up a bit more and I am getting fed up of waiting.

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MrsTwix · 29/04/2017 10:11

It sounds to me like it's pretty much over. You didn't discuss it with him, you took a job and then expected him to move, he doesn't want to, you don't appear bothered about what he wants, you don't talk about loving him, you talk about wanting the same thing in the long term almost as though it's a work arrangement.

I'd be having a conversation with my DH about his behaviour too if he took a job that involved moving house without consulting me.

Chloe84 · 29/04/2017 10:12

Sounds like he doesn't want to share finances with you and is deflecting this on you saying it's due to to your behaviour.

How much more does he earn than you? Does he have the potential to be financially abusive? Maybe this is what you are sensing?

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 10:27

We did talk about it but not in as much detail as we probably ought to have. I just reread my previous post and realised that I missed the "as much as I should". He said he was happy for me to take it at the time if I was offered it, which I thought was sufficient.

When we first started living together our salaries were very similar, then his jumped up about £10k and mine stayed the same. Mine went up significantly and there was slightly less disparity and now there's is difference of about £15k.

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boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 10:28

Mrs Twix - of course I love him, I figured that was implied by writing this! If I didn't love him I wouldn't stay with him.

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PaperdollCartoon · 29/04/2017 10:33

If he earns more why are costs split 50/50? They should be split based on the percentage each partner brings in. Equality doesn't mean the same.

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 10:36

Paperdoll - his argument is that it's only
More recently that he has started earning more money and he is away for most of the week. We pay equal amounts into the joint account which pay for food, bills, rent etc.

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NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 10:49

So, he works away all week but wants to dictate where you live which only affects him at weekends (once a month when he sees his friends); you took a job without enough discussion (but feel he's going back on his word); he earns more and has more disposable income (and you're not happy with status quo now you've taken a pay cut); you feel he's immature/not looking to the future.

It rather sounds as if you're at different life stages - you want more commitment and assurance about the future (being nearer family, long-term career progression, shared equal finances) and he's still at party-at-the-weekend mode.

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 12:10

Thank you NoSquirrels. I think you have put down all the things swirling around in my head. I took the job as I had worked there before ages ago, it is a small company and if things go well it could one day be mine. In my profession it's not that common to be in this position. We have talked about buying outside of London before, on the side that's this new job is on but are still saving and the type of lifestyle we want to lead, which was most certainly a factor in my decision. Perhaps now he thinks it's happening much quicker than he wants it to.

After telling me all in my initial post, he is being really affectionate which kind of adds to feeling all over the place. I think I will likely tell him I don't think we should continue living together, we only have a few weeks to be out of our flat and have nowhere to go as yet. I don't know where that leaves us but it all makes me quite anxious.

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NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 12:18

Can you continue to stay with family, or is that not possible more permanently?

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 12:34

NoSquirrels - yes I can move back in with family full time. I have talked to my parents about it a bit and they've said I have to do whatever is right for me and I can always move back.

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NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 12:45

In that case, in your position I would definitely not rush into sorting a flat together if he can't decide he's happy with the area you need to live in. You have secure accommodation, you can still see each other weekends - so he needs to sort out his accommodation (as I assume your family wouldn't be happy with an extra weekend lodger?) and then you can go from there when you both have a chance to think things through.

It's better to have a bit of breathing space than either of you to resent the other by compromising a step too far. And absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say, so he may decide after a while that he's come around!

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 12:59

Thank you. That sounds like the right thing to do

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19lottie82 · 29/04/2017 15:07

What is he talking about when he says he doesn't want to move because of your "behaviour"?

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 16:57

19lottie82 - he has he doesn't want to live in location X because I questioned our attitude to money as a couple, how we go about splitting things as his salary continues to rise and mine will take a while to. In all he will pull in at least £15k more than me this year. I don't have an issue about splitting household costs down the middle but it was more if we are out it would be nice if you offered / didn't make a big deal out of it when you did. Obviously if couples aren't compatible about money then it's probably not going to work... and as a PP mentioned we are now at a stage where I am thinking more about the future and assurance.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2017 18:11

"There have been times in the past where I have thought about leaving. I've stayed because I have wanted it to work and we want the same things long term. AIBU to be pissed off? Should I just go?"
I'm afraid this struck me most. I think you may have fallen victim to the Sunk Costs Fallacy, where people stay in relationships that they know aren't working, because to leave invalidates the time they spent in it. You anted it to work? That means it wasn't working when you thought that.

Personally, I would cut your losses - don't sink more of your life and energy into this man. I know you said you want the same things long-term, but I suspect anything he told you to make you think that may turn out to not be true. He wants to live where suits him, even though he's only there weekends, your needs don't register. That's what he wants long-term - his preferences to override your needs. Not good.

You're in a better position than most. You have somewhere to go, somewhere supportive.

19lottie82 · 29/04/2017 18:22

He doesn't sound a great long term prospect OP. Stingy and selfish.

It may be hard but from an outsiders point of view, I'd use this opportunity to make a clean break. I'm sure you deserve someone better than him.

MrsBobDylan · 29/04/2017 18:35

Leave. You have had serious doubts for a while. There is a better man out there for you. I chose not to compromise on a six year relationship in my late 20s. In retrospect, he was a twat although at the time I felt I was being too picky and asking for too much. After leaving him, I met the most wonderful man in the world and 15 years later we are truely happy and very compatible. I sometimes shudder to think how awful my life would have been if I'd stayed.

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 18:47

Thank you for your responses. You're probably all right and I haven't quite brought myself to do it. Question now is how?

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19lottie82 · 29/04/2017 18:57

If you can't afford your own place, can you get a flat share near your job?

boffin9207 · 29/04/2017 19:09

19lottie82 - I can stay with family, that's not a problem.

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boffin9207 · 30/04/2017 10:15

Update: he doesn't seem to think things are bad between us

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Wedrine4me · 30/04/2017 10:21

But you do! You need to decide what you want for yourself.

boffin9207 · 30/04/2017 10:27

I know! I just couldn't believe that he felt that way! I am going to talk to him tonight.

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