AIBU or is my DP(56 Posts)
DP is doing a sponsored 25 mile (flat) walk in a few weeks and has been doing practice walks for a few weekends while I have the kids. It's a long way but is not significantly outside their comfort zone.
We've relative recently moved and I don't have any local close friends. I don't see many people in my day to day life.
A very good friend has announced a possibility of a rare visit starting the evening DP finishes the walk. They will stay that night and the following day. They have offered to assist me with childcare if DP is unable to due to fatigue, but otherwise the intention would be for us to go out (without kids) the day after the walk to take part in a sport we both enjoy.
I have not had a visit from this friend since last year.
Good friend is very busy so next chance of doing this again is not for a few months.
Apparently IABU, selfish, aggressive, argumentative, not listening etc because I am don't want to put it off until the next slot and not make the evening after the event 'about the achievement' instead of about me and my friend etc.
I don' think AIBU as such but I would have seen that as DP's weekend. It's bad timing isn't it really. I would put DP first in that situation.
YANBU at all.
In any event surely you, DP and your friend could celebrate his achievement in the evening, and you and your friend can go off and do your thing the day after.
'Sponsored' and '25 miles' hmmm... he'll probably have blisters and won't be up to doing more sport. Sadly, I think your other half needs your support this time.
Sorry not commenting about his reaction as that may be a different issue.
Sponsored' and '25 miles' hmmm... he'll probably have blisters and won't be up to doing more sport. Sadly, I think your other half needs your support this time
He wouldn't be the one doing more sport. It says that in the OP.
Is DP male or female? Do they have the children most of the time?
Personally I would have run it past DP but if this is the first time you've checked he's OK with it and this is the response then he's being OTT.
I wouldn't say it's being aggressive or argumentative.
I'd hate to miss the chance of seeing a good friend because of something like this.
Are you sure he's not just annoyed he'll have to look after the kids the following day when he will be tired?
I think my DH would happily have my friend over and use it as an excuse to get a takeaway and
get pissed have some drinks.
Why can't the evening of the walk be about dp and the following day about your friend?
See your friend, he's being dreadfully precious. Tell him he's lucky he doesn't have to walk miles every day with a pot of water on his head.
I think he is being unreasonable - it's only 25 miles flat walking, so unless there's something else going on (eg he was in an accident & had to learn to walk again etc), I really don't think it's that much of an achievement that warrants not seeing your friend for such a long time when you've been so on your own for so long. . Hope you get sorted.
He wants the evening after the walk to be "about the achievement?" What does that even mean?
If he was hoping to go out to celebrate then I suppose I sort of get it. If you have no actual plans but he expects you to pass up the rare opportunity to see a dear friend so you can just sit at home and bask in how amazing he is for having done a long walk then he's a twat.
It's a long walk, big deal. If he runs it in under 3 hours he can make it about the achievement. Other than that, I would ignore DP.
If this is a challenge for your dp and he has had to work towards being able to complete it, then of course it will be an achievement when he's done it. People in loving relationships generally like to celebrate the others achievements, so that night should be about it. Is there a reason your friend can't join in with celebrating the achievement?
Chipped So he's he's doing a 25 mile sponsored walk and you think op should ignore it.
I am DH. OH is DW.
Was trying to avoid giving that away because I don't think it makes a difference really... but I guess it does.
She is the main carer for the children.
My friend can definitely join in the celebrations. He's not my wife's favourite person in the world but I don't think she hates him.
She's seen this thread and wants me to point out that she doesn't want to feel she has to clean the house in preparation for his arrival (I said I would do it while I have the kids while she walks) or be a 'host' the evening (she really doesn't have to be).... if only it was any other day...
But it can't be any other day - not for a couple of months anyway.
She wants me to point out that in August last year and in August this year I went/will go away for 1.5 weeks to do the sport with the friend in another country.
I was accused of gas-lighting when I said I hadn't been cross, or aggressive, I'd just (calmly) said it was ironic she was accusing me of the things I actually felt she was doing (selfishness, aggressiveness, childishness, abusiveness).
... I think there's too much back story and complication on reflection to expect an informed response from MN.
I just didn't want to be made to feel guilty or be accused of abusiveness, aggressiveness, gas-lighting, selfishness or childishness... I wanted her to say "of course he should come, how nice for you."
Which is a bit selfish of me. But it's what I think I'd have said if she had a good friend coming to stay on any day, ever.
I'm going to have a glass or two of wine.
Thanks for the thoughts and the space to vent.
An important question is, how much of an achievement will this be for your DP?
I read '25 mile flat walk' and think, yeah and? But I used to run and hike a lot and a long flat walk just sounds - boring. For someone who was previously unfit and/or overweight and isn't used to walking more than a mile or two at a time, that would be a huge achievement and a great thing to be doing, health and lifestyle-wise.
Btw, has your DP been going away for entire weekends training? I'm guessing not, rather a day at a time at most, so am not sure why you've felt the need to say 'while I have the kids' as if this is a big deal, rather than just you doing your share of weekend parenting. Is it that you are a SAHP with pre-schoolers and barely get a moment away from them? Is it that you usually do a lot of family activities all together at the weekend and feel that everyone has been missing out? Otherwise, what's the issue with you having the kids for part of the weekend?
Whether you have been 'aggressive, argumentative, not listening etc' depends on whether you have been aggressive, argumentative, not listening etc when discussing the issue. We weren't there, so we cannot know.
Would your friend be happy to join in with your family's celebration of DP's achievement that evening? Or will the pair of you inevitably focus on catching up? If the latter (and especially if this has been a real achievement for DP), then perhaps this isn't the best time.
Why do you two need to go off and do the sporting activity the next day? Couldn't you all do something as a family that friend can join in with? Then DP won't be left in sole charge of the DCs while blistered and sore. 'They' were probably hoping for breakfast in bed and a morning off, I suspect.
Well knock me down with a feather, what a surprise that you are DH and the mysterious not plural 'they' are your DW.
If you make good on your promise to clean the house so she doesn't have to, then YANBU.
You gave it away with 'while I have the kids' btw.
I suspect you have been away more than you admit and that your DP has missed out in other ways too.
So she's the main carer and when she has a big achievement you fuck off with your friend and leave her with the kids? A friend you will be seeing for 1.5 weeks later on anyway. YABVU.
I think yabu she has worked hard for this and wants to be made a fuss of the evening after. She probably also wants a rest from childcare the day after. A compromise could be for you and your friend to take the kids somewhere on the Sunday so she can have a lie in and a quiet relaxing day. As you've said you also need to make sure you do all the preparations for the friend and cook etc while he's there. Much better to find a different weekend though imo.
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