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To think there's nothing wrong with leaving your wife and kids

(299 Posts)
Fuzzybuzzybeebee Thu 27-Apr-17 13:54:17

As long as you support your children and continue to be an active part of their lives.

I'm not talking about men or women who have affairs and leave their partners after cheating on them.

What I mean is a man or woman, who has fallen out of love with their partner or spouse and leaves them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually think it's more cruel to stay with someone you don't love anymore.

My cousin's husband has left her and they have a 1 year and 3 year old. Everyone is saying he's the devil incarnate. I just don't feel that way. He obviously stopped loving her, so had to leave her.

He is still a good Dad to his children and supports both of them and she has said this.

I left my Sons Dad when my son was a toddler. I tried very very hard to stay together but I didn't love him and couldn't stay. I don't think that makes me evil.

You should try and make a relationship work. You should try everything. But when you truly stop loving someone, the right thing to do is leave. And that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you support your children.

AIBU?

GreatFuckability Thu 27-Apr-17 13:56:03

YABU, but things are rarely that simple and straightforward in relationship breakups IME. There is often hurt and anger and blame.

Trifleorbust Thu 27-Apr-17 13:56:17

I don't know about should. I couldn't leave my baby any more than I could chop off my leg.

GreatFuckability Thu 27-Apr-17 13:56:27

oh ffs....I mean, you are NOT being unreasonable...

PeaFaceMcgee Thu 27-Apr-17 13:56:36

Yanbu

ProudBadMum Thu 27-Apr-17 13:57:30

YANBU

I wouldn't stay in a relationship just for ten sake of the kids. I'd rather they see happy separated parents than sad parents that live together

Fuzzybuzzybeebee Thu 27-Apr-17 13:58:36

You're not leaving your children. You're leaving your partner or spouse.

If you're a Mother this usually means you get custody. If you're a Father you cease to live with your children but still play a consistent and regular part of their lives. It's wrong to abandon your children of course. But that's not what this thread is about.

bluediamonds Thu 27-Apr-17 14:04:46

YANBU! 😃

Widehorizen Thu 27-Apr-17 14:05:46

You're not leaving your children

You're breaking up your DC's family though. That's not something to do lightly.

I know that if DH and I ever came close to splitting, I would try very much harder to fix it now that we have DCs than I would have done beforehand.

DorotheaHomeAlone Thu 27-Apr-17 14:06:08

I think you're oversimplifying massively here. Yes, if you've really made every effort and are in a loveless marriage you should leave. But I think very few people do make every possible effort. In the case you mention I would consider every effort to include hours of discussion probably with the support of a counsellor, individual therapy to explore his own responsibility for his unhappiness, paying for extra help, considering a big change in job or lifestyle in case the causes of discontent are there and if still unhappy possibly just sitting out the tiny baby stage for a couple of years to see if things improve.

Bar abuse I would need to fully engage in at least the above before I'd consider breaking up my kids home. If all of that failed I'd leave DH but I'd never leave my kids.

stitchglitched Thu 27-Apr-17 14:08:28

Depends really. I see many people call someone paying the bare minimum CMS and having their kids once a fortnight 'being a great, involved Dad.' More often than not it is the mother left juggling everything to try to fit around work, childcare etc often in poverty and sacrificing their own career prospects. Whilst the great Dad's social life and career are pretty much uninterrupted except for EOW. It is also important to remember that a spouse who has left may initially keep providing support through guilt but that doesn't always last long as many threads on here will tell you.

No one should be forced to stay in any relationship against their will but it would be pretty disengenuous to prevent that the one left holding the baby, usually the mother, isn't adversely effected.

GoatsFeet Thu 27-Apr-17 14:08:37

Hmmmm, but I don't think it's ever as simple as "husband falls out of love with wife." The more common story is "Manchild can't cope with pressures of being a grown up" - particularly if there are children.

And it's entirely different if a man leaves a woman and their children together. While the adults may understand and be amicable, to the children, their father is leaving them - particularly if there's an OW in the picture (and frankly, there usually is).

I'm not saying that couples should stay together for the children, but I don't think a man leaving his family is as simple as you say in the OP.

Widehorizen Thu 27-Apr-17 14:09:05

There is solid evidence that DCs from a family unit, with parents living together in a relationship fare better in life on almost all fronts.

Not at all convinced that 'stopping loving someone' is a good enough reason to tear the life of a child apart.

Why have you started this thread OP? Has public reaction to your DCousin's situation given you a pause for thought about how lightly you left your own marriage?

stitchglitched Thu 27-Apr-17 14:10:04

*pretend not prevent!

User1635974 Thu 27-Apr-17 14:10:24

The example you give - your cousin - left when his younger DC was 1. WTF was he doing having a child and shortly after deciding that he'd fallen out of love with the mother. I don't think that short space of time is "trying everything" to make it work; life with small children is hard and it sounds like he couldn't hack it so walked away.

I'm with "everyone" else - I think utter selfish bastard.

BloodyEatSomething Thu 27-Apr-17 14:12:41

I think op has a very simplistic overly romantic idea of what 'falling in - and therefore out - of love'. I also notice the close linkage of 'wife and kids'. Naturally the kids stay with the woman, and the man is free to rove.

A man moving out of the family hone is leaving his kids. It may be necessary sometimes. It's not a good situation to be in.

BeyondThePage Thu 27-Apr-17 14:13:10

I think a lot of people see it as an escape - do you think your cousins wife REALLY wants to be taking care of 2 under 4s 24-7 on her own?

Or does he have the kids for one week/month and then she has them the next?

Being an active part of your kids lives means taking on the day to day/night after night drudge bits too - but ON YOUR OWN instead of in a partnership. I find there are not many parents-who-leave that want to do that - because if they are totally honest, they are NOT simply leaving their partner - they are leaving the whole-of-life-situation.

GreatFuckability Thu 27-Apr-17 14:13:31

I would consider every effort to include hours of discussion probably with the support of a counsellor, individual therapy to explore his own responsibility for his unhappiness, paying for extra help, considering a big change in job or lifestyle in case the causes of discontent are there and if still unhappy possibly just sitting out the tiny baby stage for a couple of years to see if things improve

In all fairness, most of those are predicated on the family being able to afford them. which many many many can't.

CassandraAusten Thu 27-Apr-17 14:13:38

I think that if you have DC aged 1 and 3 (like the example in your OP) you are still deep in the throes of the baby years. You and your spouse are probably sleep deprived and have little quality time together. If you stay for another year or two and give it a proper chance, things may well become much, much better.

So I think it is selfish to break up a family without giving it that chance.

MovingtoParadise Thu 27-Apr-17 14:14:00

I don't think most people try at all. And I also think people mean 'romantic infatuation or sexual attraction' fades instead of 'love'.

And I'm damn sure statistically most men don't do 50/50 share when they leave.

I bet it's greater than 80% of men who leave only have intermittent parenting.

So on balance he's probably an utter shit.

MyCalmX Thu 27-Apr-17 14:16:34

I was just discussing this with my cousin whose parents split when she was 2 as 2 of her SILs are separating from her BILs.

I said I didn't think it was fair on dc to have 2 homes - how can they ever feel settled? They should visit the other parents often, days/nights over but 4 days on 4 days off type thing I just don't think it's fair. It's more about the parent imo in that situation.

I also think you're projecting because you left your partner and are hoping that people don't see you as the 'devil incarnate'. They probably don't OP.

Pallisers Thu 27-Apr-17 14:16:36

No one should have to stay in a relationship which is making them miserable. But I agree with this:

The example you give - your cousin - left when his younger DC was 1. WTF was he doing having a child and shortly after deciding that he'd fallen out of love with the mother. I don't think that short space of time is "trying everything" to make it work; life with small children is hard and it sounds like he couldn't hack it so walked away.

Also seeing your kids every other weekend and on a wednesday and paying what CMS recommends isn't necessarily being a good father.

Pallisers Thu 27-Apr-17 14:17:22

In all fairness, most of those are predicated on the family being able to afford them. which many many many can't.

Still cheaper than running two households which is what will happen in a divorce.

stitchglitched Thu 27-Apr-17 14:19:58

I also hope, OP, that you aren't defending him to your cousin who has had her entire world and what she thought her life would be, taken away from her, only a year after giving birth to her second child. I doubt being a lone parent to 2 kids under 4 was her dream. Not to mention no doubt fearing what the future will bring. Those close to her are entitled to think he is an utter shit and so is she.

Fuzzybuzzybeebee Thu 27-Apr-17 14:20:36

I've never regretted or doubted my decision to leave. I have absolutely no romantic attraction to my sons dad and never could.

I love him as a person, but I could never be happy with him romantically.

I'm so so much happier as a single mum.

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