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AIBU?

To be upset for DS

60 replies

Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:09

DS (18) has being seeing a girl for about 6 months. She treats him like crap and im sick of having him come home in bits over her.
An example of this is he works, she does not, she asked him to get her a dress tp which he said she cant afford. She broke up with him stating she will find someone who can afford to buy her nice things.
Anyway. Last night he comes home in bits telling me shes cheating on him, they have got in a arguments and shes attacked him his face and neck are full of scratch marks. He goes to bed in bits.
Tonight they go out for a drink to talk about things and it end in a argument. My son who is trying to get home is getting abused by her when a passer by decides to get involved and starts ganging up on my son.
The woman was telling my son how disgusting he is for leaving a woman crying, how ashamed he should be for treating her this way and so on.
Again my son comes home in bits being made to feel like the bad guy.
The girl turned up at my house claiming she has been raped and telling my son its his fault for leaving her to walk here alone.
I said ill call the police and she is telling me not to bother. I tell her to sit down, tell my son to put the kettle on and I begin to ring the police. Shes screaming at me not to and I tell her its the only way to catch the guy who did this to her.
I get through to the police and they come to my house, take her clothes (I gave her some of my pyjamas) and get a sample of her wee as she refused point blank to go with them claiming she just wants to sleep. The police get a description and say they will get a statement tomorrow what she is calmer

I got a number for her parents from her and her parents came to collect her her mother calmly told me at the door this wasnt the first time shes claimed this has happened and shes sorry for the trouble!

My son is a mess and doesnt know what to think!
Aibu to be annoyed at this girl? I dont know if whats happened is true but the way her mum shrugged it off im inclined to think its highly possible its not! But if it is true I feel utterly awful to be so angry

OP posts:
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:11

Im so angry for my son!!

OP posts:
edwinbear · 27/04/2017 00:16

I think I'd ask your DS to think long and hard about whether he wants to be with her.

Patriciathestripper1 · 27/04/2017 00:18

So you should be. She sounds like a fucking nutter.
Best case - she ends it.
Better case - he ends it.
Ffs I hope he sees(or you convince him) that she is s fucking nutter and runs the other way,

Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:31

Hes in bits at the moment now isnt the time to talk about him ending things. I just have such mixed emotions I feel like I shouldnt be angry given the nature of her claim but if she lying! Im mortified
Im laying in bed and I can here my poor lad sobbing next door and feel completely hopeless

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PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2017 00:36

He doesn't have to stay with her just because he feels sorry for her or guilty about her being attacked by someone else, that isn't the basis for a good relationship. He can offer to support her as a friend, but not as a partner. Honestly, I think it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and he should end it. I can understand why you are so upset.

gettinfedduppathis · 27/04/2017 00:39

Leaving the claim to one side for a moment.

He has to split up with her - she sounds like a nasty manipulative nightmare.

ExplodedCloud · 27/04/2017 00:41

Can you go and let him cry on you?

Grilledaubergines · 27/04/2017 00:42

Your poor son. It must be breaking your heart to see him in this state.

In the cold light of day, and if he seems in the mood to talk, try to have a chat with him about what a good and healthy relationship looks like. Hopefully in time he will see that he is in an abusive relationship and realise he needs to walk away.

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 00:42

Go and talk to him. Give him a hug, poor lads going through the mill. So sorry I'm no help but he needs your support. I wouldn't mention him breaking up with her or even let him know you want him to bin her, it will only make him more determined to stay with her IME. Go and hug him. There's nothing better for teens than a warm milky drink and a mummy cuddle.

Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:42

Before all this I told him but all I get is "I love her" or some other comment. She is a nasty little so and so and is making him miserable but how do I make his see things differently?

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Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:44

Iv knocked and all hes telling me is he wants to be alone. I dont know what to do

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Seren85 · 27/04/2017 00:47

Setting aside the rape allegation (I entirely understand that you do not want to disbelieve her and why but you can't do anything further there than what you have done already), this girl appears to be financially, emotionally and physically abusing your son. No, now is not the time to approach it but hopefully over the coming days you can chat to him about boundaries and remind him about healthy relationships to help him make a choice. He make stick with her now but knowing you are on his side will be much better once he realises the truth. As for the other blokes comments, I'd probably say that it goes both ways so if he would entirely disagree with anyone saying that a random bloke in the pub smacking his GF/DW and saying she deserved it for talking to someone else then he should disregard that man's comments as entirely worthless because they are of equal worth and pointlessness when one party is being abused.

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 00:50

Tell him you NEED to speak to him. I wouldn't let it go tonight until he's more calm. Others will have better advice. On the other hand, he's probably in a conversation, text, app etc with his girlfriend

Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:52

Iv took him a cup of tea in but he hasnt said anything.
It was a woman who started to get involved and helped with the bullying. Iv tried for months to help him see how she is but he just tells me hell tell me it his choice which it completely is. He is completely besotted with this girl and to he sees other wise I feel like I just have to deal with it. I hate that I an powerless in all this

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PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2017 00:55

I don't think you can try and convince him to do anything about her tonight or any time too soon. First plan of action may be a cup of tea, or a goodnight hug that would get him to open his door for a moment so you can see he is OK and give him a hug and a little comfort?
Longer term, over the next day or two is to get him to open up and start talking to you, or someone else he trusts and who has his best interests at heart. Listen to him more than you talk to him. Ask him open questions about how he feels and what he is looking for in his relationship. Nod, acknowledge what he is saying, probe very, very gently for extra information. Ask him what he would like you to do to help him, what support does he need from you?

You could also have a look at this leaflet, maybe print off or order a copy so you can share it with him if and when you think he might be open to looking at it.
www.mensadviceline.org.uk/data/files/mens_advice_line_booklet_for_male_victims.pdf

PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2017 00:56

x-post with the cups of tea.Now you have an excuse to collect the cup.

Catherinebee85 · 27/04/2017 00:56

She's manipulative and abusive. She also sounds very emotionally unstable and probably has a very poor sense of identity.

Your son I'm sure is lovely and for that reason he's got sucked in. Hopefully he will see it soon but I suppose if you try to talk him out of being with her you might push him to her. What a horrible situation OP!

ExplodedCloud · 27/04/2017 00:58

Can you just sit next to him. Don't say anything. Just be there waiting. If he'll hold your hand that's great but just be there. You love him. Be near.

highinthesky · 27/04/2017 01:01

Let DS get some sleep.

Some things are best left until the morning.

Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 01:02

Hes told me he wants to be alone for now I have to respect that. Iv took him a cup of tea and told him im here when he needs me but right now I think hes trying to make sense of everything.
My boy would give the world to anyone and I feel this girl has abused that. Hes has girls fall over him through the years but has never bothered with relationships hes always been about work and rugby. Im so upset the first girl hes decided to commit to has turned out to treat him so badly.

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Cakedoesntjudge · 27/04/2017 01:22

Have you tried explaining to him that just because you might love someone it doesn't always mean it's enough? I know you probably have I just remember when I was that age thinking love conquered everything and if you loved someone you stayed with them whatever. Took me far too long to learn that lesson! I'd also try the tack of "if this was happening to your best friend what would advice would you give to them?"

She sounds awful and it must be horrid listening to him cry without being able to do anything. Hope he sees the light with it soon and you can both be shot of her!

WyfOfBathe · 27/04/2017 01:24

Get some sleep for now. Maybe wake him up with a cooked breakfast in the morning and try to have a chat then?

I don't envy teenage relationships at the best of times, but this is more than a normal spat between young lovers. I agree with Pers about giving him a leaflet about domestic abuse to digest in his own time.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2017 02:42

Does he have any mates who know what a bitch this girl is? Might they try to talk some sense into him?

claraschu · 27/04/2017 05:12

My son was in an abusive relationship with a very unstable, manipulative girl, and I was completely unable to say anything to bring him to his senses. If I had said anything, it would have made him more determined to cling to her. It was torture.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but try to make sure your ds is using condoms. One of my biggest fears was that my son's girlfriend would get pregnant and decide to keep the baby.

faithinthesound · 27/04/2017 05:14

Agree with claraschu. It would be so easy to inadvertently say the wrong thing (though clearly well meaning, you sound lovely) and end up pushing him into her arms, so to speak.

Let him have tonight - you've made it clear you're here for him, and I'll bet he's heard you and is grateful. He'll come out when he's ready, and when he does, you'll be ready with a cuppa, an ear, and a shoulder, and it will be on his terms, which will make it that much easier for him to cope with.

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