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Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

(175 Posts)
silkpyjamasallday Wed 26-Apr-17 09:51:30

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

ILookedintheWater Wed 26-Apr-17 09:54:25

YWNBU.
..It's up to your DH though, as it's his family taking advantage of him.

DeliciouslyHella Wed 26-Apr-17 09:54:29

It sounds like DP needs to have words with his Dad and tell him he won't be paying.

MuchasSmoochas Wed 26-Apr-17 09:55:05

Oh you poor thing he sounds awful. It's too late now though I think.

Write this off as a loss, book a hotel for you, DH and your child, be polite but vow never to give them another penny.

Singyourheartout Wed 26-Apr-17 09:55:36

I'd cancel! That is outrageous! I'd definitely tell them were to stick it.

WellErrr Wed 26-Apr-17 09:56:11

Why didn't you just say no?

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Wed 26-Apr-17 09:56:54

How about instead of refusing to go, you just refuse to pay for anyone else?

Chloe84 Wed 26-Apr-17 09:56:58

YANBU. I would get tough and stick to original plan - FIL and his mum stay behind unless they can pay for themselves.

Stripyhoglets Wed 26-Apr-17 09:57:47

Yanbu - they are taking the piss! But you and dh and Dr should go just say the Mr silkpj bank is closed to the greedy relatives! You need to stand firm or they will bleed you dry of that money before you know it!

scaryteacher Wed 26-Apr-17 09:57:50

No is a complete sentence. Were your fil and his Mum even invited to the wedding, or are they just coming along for the ride? Don't book the flights, just go to the wedding on your own with DD.

WannaBe Wed 26-Apr-17 09:59:04

Your dh needs to grow a backbone. He's been paying deposits and rent for his family? Wtf is that about?

CoraPirbright Wed 26-Apr-17 10:00:12

Who the hell does your fil think he is, telling this other relative that you will pay?? I think it's utterly disgusting, the way your Dh's family are treating home like a cash machine. I would go back to your original plan, go to the wedding/holiday & have a lovely time. It's not up to your poor Dh to fund his other relatives lifestyles.

mrsBeverleygoldberg Wed 26-Apr-17 10:00:17

What a bloody cheek! They're all adults they should pay for themselves. Why should you have to cut your holiday short to pay for them because they didn't bother to save up. They must have had warning this wedding was coming... they should have saved for it.

whogivesaratzass Wed 26-Apr-17 10:02:06

Omg this is hideous behaviour!

I would not be cancelling but you need to put your foot down, or at least DH does otherwise the entire amount will be blown and you will both be no better off! I assume whoever left your DH the money intended it for him, if they wanted it to go anywhere else then they would have arranged for that.

Depending on the value, I would 'gift' a small amount to each direct family member (sister, mum & dad etc) and say that is your lot, the rest is not liquid and has been invested so sod off.
If it isn't that much to be able to do that then you need to speak to your DH, maybe pay for FILs flights and 2 nights accommodation. Then you stay on and shift hotels for your holiday. That way you paid for him to go to the wedding as he expected, but he needs to understand that is it. You are extending your stay as a family holiday for the kids, not for everyone.

As far the long haul - wtf?!

Your DH needs to get this sorted or just give in and split every penny up and give it away, might as well if he is going to keep spending it all on them anyway.

Good luck! flowers

RuggerHug Wed 26-Apr-17 10:02:48

But do you want to go to the actual wedding? It would be a shame to miss that because of the other people. Your DH needs to say no. No we won't pay for your flights, no we won't be staying with you we have already organised accommodation, no we won't be sorting any of it.

whogivesaratzass Wed 26-Apr-17 10:06:14

When I say don't cancel I meant you and DH, you are looking forward to it go enjoy!!

If you tell everyone else to GTF you WNBU at all! They are grown adults who knew this was coming, they need to live within their own means not yours!

Spadequeen Wed 26-Apr-17 10:07:17

Why the hell should you be paying for fil and his mother. Your fil shouldn't have said that dh will pay for flights or accommodation.

When he asked about accommodation, that's when you should have said no. Helping out family is fine but this is massively taking the piss and he knows this.

arethereanyleftatall Wed 26-Apr-17 10:09:23

THis is insane. It would have been a no from me from the beginning.

MidnightAura Wed 26-Apr-17 10:11:36

Are you close to the bride and groom? Is your DP close to them? Just seems a shame to punish them by not going because of your father in law. Also if the bride and groom are paying per head it will have cost them money.

Your father in law sounds incredibly cheeky inviting his mother to the UK and then on to Italy at your expense!

If you don't go, though I think your DP's family requests will start up again at some point in the future will they not? What if they decide they want to visit your DP's gran at new year and expect you to pay?!

Your DP needs to talk to his Dad and tell him he has no right to be dishing out invites for family members and expecting him to pay for it.
Easier said than done I know but give people an inch and they take a mile.

And before anyone says it's "nice to help family out" it is if you and your DP are offering, from what you have said there's an assumption there that your DP will pick up the bill and that needs nipped in the bud.
It's nice your DP wants to help his family, but he also needs to look out for you and his DD first and foremost.

Bantanddec Wed 26-Apr-17 10:14:07

Who does fil think he is?! Tell him to fuck off! Don't let it ruin your plans though, book your nice hotel and your own flights and enjoy the wedding.

livefornaps Wed 26-Apr-17 10:15:10

He sounds like an utter twat. Just tell him you're not paying for either him or the other relative. Book yourselves into the hotel and forget about it; you can cancel airbnb. Life is too short for this kind of shit. Believe me, it wouldn't stop there, you'd be feeding & watering them the entire time and just resent it. Please, just say no!!! It's not worth it. And if they want to sulk, bloody well let them! Because you know it wouldn't stop there, and that money you'd want for your daughter would just dwindle. Draw the line in the sand now.

Jaxhog Wed 26-Apr-17 10:15:33

Your DH (DP?) needs to say no he isn't paying for Tom, Dick and Harry to come to the wedding.

It wouldn't be so bad if they had actually asked. But to assume? No way.

I would rewind and go back to your original plan.

Doublemint Wed 26-Apr-17 10:16:45

YANBU but I just want to say it is DHs inheritance and if he chooses to spend it on his parents unreasonable demands then that is his business.

BUT your holiday and attendance to a wedding shouldn't get changed to this extent- if DH wants to spend his money on a weeks holidays for him, you and DCs then that is exactly what he should do.

FritzDonovan Wed 26-Apr-17 10:17:15

I stopped reading halfway through because I couldn't understand why you were paying all that money for FIL and his mother, just because FIL told you to. In the nicest possible way, grow a backbone. He is not your dependant, and certainly shouldn't be inviting other people along on your money confused

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Wed 26-Apr-17 10:17:21

Of course you're not BU. But before you get into decisions about cancelling the wedding and holiday you need a long serious talk with DH to make sure you're both on the same page wrt the inheritance and what it's going to be spent on.

DH appears to be feeling guilted into paying for all sorts for his family. There may be long standing reasons for that, we don't know. But if the two of you stick together, it will help him find the strength to say no to future requests if he wants to. If he doesn't want to, then you need a plan going forward that doesn't end up in lots of instances of you feeling resentful as you do now.

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