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Not sure what to do about my marriage

(15 Posts)
Mumof234 Wed 26-Apr-17 09:47:55

Last week I took my two dd's to stay at my mums after H and I had an argument which resulted in him throwing some things (one of which nearly hit dd1). This is not the first time he has thrown things and I was scared about our safety. I also think he has been emotionally abusing me.

He said his was scared by his anger and actions and saw a therapist and I then agreed to go with him for a session. The session went OK and I agreed to go again. However I don't know if I should bring up the abuse in the session or whether I should contact the therapist and speak to her seperately. I don't want to give up on our marriage (hence why I agreed to therapy with him) but I do wonder if he will try to change or is this just a ploy to get us back home.

I'm not sure how much longer I can be at mums - she is getting stressed, dd's are acting up and I can't keep dd1 in preschool (it's a 50 mins drive). But not sure I want to go back home yet.

Sorry, but just needed to rant as I'm feeling lost and don't know which way to turn.

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 26-Apr-17 09:51:46

You should never, ever attend therapy with your abuser. This is a golden rule and if she doesn't know about the abuse then what the hell is the point?

He needs to move out if the home for a prolonged period whilst you both receive PROPER counselling. Do give Women's Aid a call x

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 26-Apr-17 09:53:34

If SS knew he had almost assaulted her by throwing something then they would certainly want him removed from the family home.

HerOtherHalf Wed 26-Apr-17 09:53:47

I'm not sure seeing the same therapist individually would be optimal and it sounds ethically dubious so she may well decline anyway. I think you would be best seeing a different counsellor on your own. It sounds like you need help clarifying the extent of the possible abuse and deciding what you want in the best interests of yourself and your kids.

Pinkheart5915 Wed 26-Apr-17 09:54:54

Why go to marriage therapy if you don't tell the full story? Sounds like a waste of money to me.

Isn't the idea of therapy is you say what's honestly wrong and you speak about it in a controlled environment?

user1493022461 Wed 26-Apr-17 09:55:00

If SS knew he had almost assaulted her by throwing something then they would certainly want him removed from the family home

SS don't remove people from their own homes for "almost" doing things.

Musereader Wed 26-Apr-17 10:04:28

SS gently 'suggested' that i move out from my ex for a while and one of the things my social woker emphasised is that he had a habit of throwing things and punching walls and what if a rebound or shard hit me or my baby? So yes they would try to remove one or the other for something he 'almost' did in order to prevent an escalation.

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 26-Apr-17 10:05:59

This thread may be better off in relationships OP? x

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Wed 26-Apr-17 10:43:34

Attending therapy together is only (a) ethical and (b) beneficial if both parties want things to change, both want the same result from the therapy, and both are prepared to be honest.

Maybe attend the next session but be open about the abuse at the start, and then say that because of that you don't feel comfortable about being there and leave. Or if you don't want to go that far, tell DH you won't be going again and tell him why.

Whilst it may be early days, and clients often do take several sessions to admit just how bad things are, if DH doesn't engage fully with the therapy it won't address the true extent of the problem and create the necessary lasting change. It will just smooth over a few of the cracks for a bit.

Mumof234 Wed 26-Apr-17 10:52:33

I did try to post in relationships but it wouldn't work. How do I move it?

Thanks for your replies. I want to make things work but not sure if he will understand why his issues have affected us and if he will change. I see it as a positive step he has gone to therapy but not sure if moving back with him will make him think things are back on track even when they are not (yet, hopefully).

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 26-Apr-17 11:25:37

I think you report your first post and leave a request?

peachgreen Wed 26-Apr-17 16:06:04

I think if he's serious about saving your marriage, OP, he will move out while he gets therapy so that your children can be in your home.

Vroomster Wed 26-Apr-17 16:09:37

OP, it's not recommended to go to therapy with someone who is abusive as they can manipulate the therapist and they take their side. Definitely go on your own though but to someone different.

Mumof234 Wed 26-Apr-17 16:33:59

How do I tell him though that it is not a good idea to do therapy together? Do I need to try and tell him that his behaviour is abusive (I have said it before, but in the heat of an argument and he just dismisses it). Does the fact that I'm worried about his reaction, show that there is no hope for our relationship?
Do I need to tell the therapist before or during the next appointment that I've been advised not to proceed with couples therapy due to emotional abuse?

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 26-Apr-17 17:14:35

I really think you would benefit from calling Women's Aid to help you decide what to do and how to approach him.

It's free and they are so, so helpful x

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

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