Need honest opinions please(29 Posts)
Growing up my father was abusive and wrecked our childhood.
My brother is a drug addict and an alcoholic , he has a drug and alcohol addicted girlfriend.
Long story short, my brother moved back with my mum about 5 years ago and my dad has moved back with her for 2 years now.
My brothers girlfriend also lives there and her and my brother have a baby together.
Before they all moved back, my mum was happy just living on her own with her dog.
I'd pop round and sometimes she'd have my daughter to stay or go on a bike ride with her, it was lovely, Innocent and I finally saw my mum happy and at peace, after years of stress.
Shes now back to where she was, nervous wreck etc, dog has passed away and due to my brother and her girlfriend and my dad being there I can no longer visit.
My nephew has a child protection order, he's not supposed to be living there, but his mum isn't 'well' to put it mildly.
Since she moved in she has stolen from my mum, first money, then her phone, and god knows what else that my mum hasn't told me about!.
My brother works, but gets pissed regularly and is just a mess, my dad is a chain smoker, just sits in his room all day and works very little.
Basically Iv lost patience supporting my mum through this, she could get rid of them all if she took my advice, but I refuse to be involved anymore.
I would often desert my partner and take my mum out on a Sunday to cheer her up, sacrificing my family life. I just can't do it any more!
Am I being unreasonable?
What does your mum want to happen? Does she want them to leave? Had they convinced her they had changed?
It must be so frustrating seeing this until but only she can put a stop to it.
Aaah honest opinion? I don't know. No help I know!
By supporting what exactly do you mean? Do you mean emotionally by listening and taking her out and generally having contact? Or are you physically/financially supporting?
It's your mum's choice ultimately, but I can see that she's maybe been pushed into this over time and feels responsible for the situation and doesn't have the strength to do it all again.
I don't think in your shoes I'd just stop all contact and support, but withdraw and explain why. And (of course if you're able to) offer her help and support in getting out if that's what she wants. Would/could she leave and let them all get on with it?
My mum wants them to leave.
My mums not the most stable of people, she's quite an aloof sort of person and will bury things and it effects her mentally, she becomes forgetful and jittery.
I sound harsh on my mum, but it's true. She's not getting any younger and I fear she'll die off young if it carries on.
I just can't bare to watch it happen.
She lives in a housing association home, so it's her on the tenancy.
She works full time but not great pay, so she couldn't leave.
Iv supported her by just generally being there on the end of the phone, taking her out having her round to dinner and to stay over.
Iv just had enough of seeing her gradually decline mentally and to see her home get wrecked by 3 alcoholics.
A very wise recovering addict friend of mine once told me, "sometimes when you support people you are actually taking away their rock bottom". That is what your DM is doing for all these people. But it also might be what you are doing; making it just bearable for her to stay.
If she wants them to leave, she can get them out. You could offer to help with that but nothing else.
Can see your hurt and frustration OP, think I'd feel the same. You're not being unreasonable to feel like that at all IMO.
But, you sound like the only one that your mum can rely on in the family, and it sounds like she needs that especially at the moment, and she's your mum. In your shoes I'd probably withdraw a bit, and spend time with my mum when I could but maintain some support so she knows you're behind her and will help when/if the day comes that she stands up to them. She must feel intense pressure in that house by herself, with 3 ppl like that using her, especially as one is her son and she maybe feels some responsibility towards her grandson too.
So your answer is to walk away and isolate her? I get its hard but yeah, yabu to abandon her.
If nephew isn't meant to be living things, where should he be? Have you notified SS?
If your mom wants them to leave have you talked about what she can do to make it happen?
If the property is being damaged could you report it anonymously to the housing provider as a push for your mom?
She wants them out so what's stopping her or you getting them out?
If the child has a protection order and isn't supposed to be there, why on earth haven't you phoned SS?
I think part of me wants to walk away because she never protected us as children from all this this.
Now she's allowing her grandson to be exposed to really damaging behaviour as well, so I resent her for that.
Ss have been informed of the truth, but besides putting my nephew on a child protection order, nothing has been done.
She's still drinking leaving cider cans everywhere, falling asleep leaving her son to fend for himself on the floor at 6 months old.
I just thought that after years of pure hell growing up, that those days were over and I finally had my mum as a normal mum.
Feels like it's all gone backwards.
Iv taken a step back on advice from my sister and my partner, who felt it wasn't doing me any good seeing her as much as I did, because I started to have ptsd symptoms when I visited.
My sister has mentioned maybe getting her help as a 'vulnerable person'I don't exactly know what that entails, my sister works in mental health, which is why she suggested it.
If the child has a protection order and isn't supposed to be there, why on earth haven't you phoned SS?
Iv phoned ss and so has my sister. We've done everything we can, dobbed her up for everything. Taken our nephew away for the day/night.
we have children ourselves, my sister works ft and I have a disabled daughters so it's hard.
this sounds immensely difficult and stressful for you OP
Ultimately if your mum refuses to help herself then you will have to protect yourself from the damage that this could do to you.
I suppose the question is at what point do you draw the line and say that's it I've done all I can.
And then to what degree do you take yourself out of harms way
I started to have ptsd symptoms when I visited
it's sounding like a toxic situation ilovechoc1987
my thoughts are that perhaps you will at some point need to accept that there is nothing you can do
It might be that if you continue to try and 'save' them you'll just end up being harmed/poisoned and they wont get any better either.
Maybe decide how much you are prepared to do, how much of yourself you are prepared to give
Ultimately you may just have to save yourself.
I think you have been a victim of all this....certainly not a cause
I had a heart to heart with my mum, told her that I didn't want to speak with her until the situation is resolved, because it got to the point I was (like I said before) abandoning my own family to help her.
She just got tearful and said ok.
She likes to make excuses and put a sweetener on things and say "well I haven't smelt alcohol on her for 2 days..so that's good"
But recently she lost her card and I asked her to be honest and tell me if she felt it had been stolen from her purse at home, and to tell me if any money went missing.
She won't ever tell me the truth, because she's always been scared of confronting issues.
I think she's scared of them tbh.
Thank you peaceout I think you're right, since Iv withdrawn, Iv spent every weekend with my dp and our children and our relationship and family life has improved.
I just hate the guilt and have always felt an obligation towards my mum.
To the point that I feel we can't even go on holiday without her. I have even held off making new friends, because I use all my spare time up on my mum.
Why don't you and your mum attend Al-Anon? It might help you both with the toxic nature of your family relations and it might just help her to take the necessary decisions.
ilovechoc1987 you poor thing you really are between a rock and a hard place.
I have children your age (assuming 1987 is the year you were born in) I wouldnt want them to be using their spare time to prop me up, I want them to go out into the world and do things with hardly a backward glance at me.
You deserve your own life.
I hope you can find a way through this
I wouldn't desert your mum. Sounds like she needs you right now, such a horrible situation for you all and I understand why you're pissed off, but you only get one mum and life is very fragile and short, you'll only be adding to her misery. I'd try and see her outside of her home, sounds like she could use the respite too. Good luck, genuinely hope this, somehow, gets better for you and your family.
ilovechoc1987 I am really sorry but your mum failed to protect you and your brother. She is now failing to protect her grandson.
You need to have it out with her.
She needs to take steps to get them all removed from her home. She could then get a dog and get her life back on track.
If she chooses not to do that, then you are not responsible for her. Parents are responsible for their kids. I think you need to lay it on the line with your mum, your fears of an early demise, and then accept she is not strong enough to break away.
Please can you try again with social services to get them to investigate what is happening with your nephew. My son is adopted and came from a home where drink and drugs were the norm. Maybe you can stop the cycle.
Perhaps, in an awful situation like this, you (one) has to consider your own survival and the others in your life that also love and depend on you..
You have to always be careful to remind yourself that it's not your fault.
Good luck x
Agree with user1476382353 you did not make this situation.
What an awful position to be in. I can totally understand your loyalty to your mum and that you feel guilt. Your mum knew that when you were growing up that you weren't being treated as you should, she chose to keep you in the environment. I understand the difficulties and struggles associated with those choices however her own insecurities and issues have subsequently affected you and your brother. He has gone down the route he has and you have taken a different direction, I'm assuming(?).
Your mum is repeating the same behavior as she did when you were a kid and as you say your grandson is affected now.
She may feel like she's obligated to your son and grandson because if they are in the house, she can "control" it at some point.
I would continue to hound ss and keep trying to get help for your nephew, it's seems the people in the house don't care enough. If they did, they would sort themselves out.
I wasn't at all abused growing up but my mum never ever stood up to my dad when he drank and drove us kids home pissed as a fart and crashing the car once. Never once did she stand up to him, she ended succumbed to alcohol herself.
I love my mum to bits but I've always wondered why she didn't " grow a pair" and stick up for us.
You have some level of control to stop the cycle of drinking and abuse for that little boy, try as hard as you can to get him out of there.
It sounds harsh but you only get one life and your mum has chosen the easy way, don't rock the boat way. She is an adult who can choose who lives in her house and the man she is married to.
Keep being supportive to your mum however you're an adult now and can choose what you take.
This stuff is really hard when you love the people involved, I wish you all the best and I hope this helps you not upset you, you did ask for honesty xx
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.