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Not to want to do 'family' with ex and his new wife

(52 Posts)
Hurtmumoffour Tue 25-Apr-17 22:38:08

Today 22:35 Hurtmumoffour

Married for 20 years, divorced for 3. Two sons in their twenties, two teenage daughters. Ex left me as he said he didn't love me or our life anymore. He's been awful to me throughout. He recently remarried. I haven't met her and I don't think I can face it, nor will I for a long time. But the children say I'm selfish and I need to get over it and move on. They want joint family meals, birthdays etc. They say if I don't go they will go with him and her and not invite me. What should I do? I can't face him all happy and newly wed but I don't want to lose the children either.

elevenclips Tue 25-Apr-17 22:41:20

Just see the children separately? I can't imagine insisting my mother and step mother (or father and step father) attend the same events. How selfish of your kids.

gleam Tue 25-Apr-17 22:42:29

Selfish? Have they no empathy?

mummydarkling Tue 25-Apr-17 22:42:36

No advice. Just a bump and flowers I would not want to either.

NellieFiveBellies Tue 25-Apr-17 22:45:14

thanks i think your children are being thoughtless. if he has treated you badly it will be hard to play happy families with him.

i do understand that to your children you are both family and equal and they should not be expected to choose. but they should understand that this is currently hard for you.

i wouldnt worry about 'family meals'. they arent important.
but you may need to find a way to cope with biggies as they come up - marriage, babies etc. and yes, birthdays too. in the end.
but for now it wouldnt kill them to see you seperately. they can go out for dinner with them and seperately with you . not the same night obv 😁 or week even. but they really dont have to pick which one of you to have a meal with.

they want to pretend its all happy families but they arent acknowledging that youve been crapped on and are struggling.

if you were my mum id book us a meal somewhere on a different day thanks

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 25-Apr-17 22:46:07

Let me give you a massive ((((((((((((((())))))))))))))) and flowers.
Children can be very bloody strange. Their father left you, yet you are the
'Selfish' one. I hope you don't mind me saying so, but. I don't think they're being a bit fair or understanding to you.
You don't wish your ex and his partner well and You don't have to either. WTF should you. I don't think many women would want to see their ex all loved up with someone else.
Of course YANBU.

Sabistick Tue 25-Apr-17 22:47:26

Yanbu, but your kids sound like they have decided to choose him over you. Im very sorry, they are very very unreasonable.

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Apr-17 22:48:38

So they'd be OK with you inviting their ex girlfriends along, too, would they? And would their new girlfriends be happy with that?

They'll be very hard pushed to find anyone who goes out to dinner with their ex and his new wife - ask them who they're basing their opinions on.

Ledkr Tue 25-Apr-17 22:48:40

Your children sound very unfeeling. Surely at their ages they can empathise a bit. Have any of them had serious relationships yet? Have you asked them if they'd be able to act the way they are expecting you to? I'm really quite shocked at their lack of empathy.

ChasedByBees Tue 25-Apr-17 22:51:28

Did your needs generally come last in the family? I wonder if hey think they can do what they want and you'll facilitate it. They don't seem to be able to consider you, I was just wondering where that's come from.

If that's right, sacrificing your needs further now is not going to help.

GinSwigmore Tue 25-Apr-17 23:02:07

Your kids are being twats. Yes there are some events where sadly paths may cross (dcs' weddings, future dgc christenings) even then, place settings;arrangements should be handled with sensitivity. To expect "family" meals is ludicrous and insensitive of them. I would say that even if you were remarried. Coparenting when small is important but these are grown children...for any extended family celebrations you would need to be at a place where you were no longer hurt/had moved on but even then who necessarily wants to spend time with their ex? confused

FrancisCrawford Tue 25-Apr-17 23:10:28

My goodness your DC are selfish and insular.

You don't "get over" something like this; it is always there. You learn to live with what has happened, to move on, but the hurt and betrayal never disappears.

Oh well, next time they have a trauma in their lives, you have an answer.

Only you won't. Because you love them and hate seeing them hurt.

I think all you can do is to say you are sorry they cannot accept you are struggling and that you would appreciate a little consideration.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 25-Apr-17 23:14:09

Let me guess that df has been a Disney Dad since the spilt?!!

ThouShallNotPass Tue 25-Apr-17 23:21:31

@ImperialBlether is right. They wouldn't be okay with their exes being invited to a social gathering so why would you want to go and sit like a spare wheel with your ex and his wife?
Now if it's a wedding or large family event of high importance however (like your grandkid's Christenings and such) then unfortunately you may need to suck it up. It's not like they can have two weddings, one for each parent to attend and I can understand how they would happily have the parent who ISN'T issuing ultimatums attend (like "I'm not going to your wedding if HE is!") but for family dinners and social gatherings? Definitely not. Kids of divorced parents often get two Christmas dinners, two birthday dinners and so on. You can have the smaller events with each parent.

Zoflorabore Tue 25-Apr-17 23:26:47

I think your kids are being very unreasonable. The same happened to my mum and dad and my mum doesn't even know that we have met the new wife, she said she would disown me if i ever didconfused
However I have a pretty bad relationship with my mum but it's about respect and I would never mention my dad to her as it just drags up bad times even ten years on.

My dd is 6 and still not baptised as my mum would refuse to go if I invited my dad, I cancelled my wedding which I booked just before the split as I wanted my dad to give me away and there was murder.

My mum is hurting but life does go on, I could never imagine my dad and his dw in the same room as my mum and I think given the circumstances of your split I don't think your dc should expect you to eitherflowers

Startoftheyear2017 Tue 25-Apr-17 23:34:40

Hey hurtmum I'm sorry for you. I'm 3 years behind you. Same story though. I'm so sad and cross. I'm also scared about what comes next. We haven't told our DC yet. I'd really value any wise words from your experiences of the first few weeks of the misery becoming public. Sorry for your pain, you've had some good advice from pp. I hope your children see how they should help you, not add to the pain 💐

Hurtmumoffour Tue 25-Apr-17 23:49:41

Thank you all for your support. It realy helps. I'll try to get them to see how I feel and why I can't do this right now. But not holding out hope.

Startoftheyear2017 ExH is military so he told me and then buggered off for three months. Easier in some ways as DC were used to him being away, just this time he never came back. I didn't tell many people at first, so I didn't have to deal with them. It has got better with time but I don't think I could cope with his new woman. Sending you hugs and flowers.

Diplomum Tue 25-Apr-17 23:54:33

I have a friend in exactly the same situation, even her married children don't get why she won't play happy families. It seems such an unreasonable thing to expect of someone. I hope you find a solution that holds everything together while being good to yourself. flowers

MrsJayy Tue 25-Apr-17 23:56:40

Your children are adults and nearlys they are old enough to realise this isnt what you want you dont have to do family dinners you have moved on it doesnt involve their dad dc might have the romantic notion you can all be pally pally and civillised if it isn't for you then that is ok

burdog Wed 26-Apr-17 00:08:15

Your children are struggling to come to terms with the fact that your relationship with their father is over, as is their family unit. So they are trying to make you act like the family unit still exists... and simply expanded. It hasn't, their father ended the relationship and started a new one.
I agree with other posters, you will have to go to significant events like weddings and maybe milestone birthdays if there is a big party, but I don't know anyone who is divorced and has family meals together.

Beeziekn33ze Wed 26-Apr-17 00:20:10

Oh dear, is the new wife being very very nice to your DC. So sorry for you. Not surprised you don't want to meet her. DC are incredibly insensitive to your feelings.

Ihaveabloodyheadache Wed 26-Apr-17 00:41:38

Oh Hurtmum what an awful situation to be put it!
I was in the same position as your children, if older, and I'd not have dreamed of putting this onto my mum. Not even now many years later.
My mum seemed to cope fine until my dad got married again and then lost it and said she would be very hurt if we went to the wedding. I respected that, even though I did feel it was unfair, because she had every reason to be unreasonable about it in my opinion. My dad wasn't happy but he also accepted that it would cause a massive rift between us and our mum, and we were in this situation through no fault of ours or hers. He's never held it against us. New wife however, she has, and we've not seen her since (her choice not ours).
We've had family get togthers for special occasions, and my mum and dad have both been there, new wife has not. Could something like that work for you all?
I think that as your children are teens and twenties, they are being incredibly insensitive towards you and maybe a sit down and explaining a few things in no uncertain terms may be in order. Telling them you're still hurt, and it will cause you more hurt to be forced to spend time with them, and you're not prepared to do this, don't bend on it OP, be firm and straight about it.
Is there a family member who can be with you and support you so you don't feel outnumbered? Someone the children respect and can maybe put your point across with you but less emotionally? (I'm not saying you shouldn't be emotional, but it will give them less chance to dismiss you if you have back up)
I hope you can come to some agreement with your children over this, I feel for you flowers

UppityHumpty Wed 26-Apr-17 00:42:39

Have you told your kids how you feel explicitly about it? If you have then fair enough -
Let them do family stuff with your ex and his new wife. I'm sure she'll soon get sick of losing her free time to them every Sunday etc.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Wed 26-Apr-17 00:48:52

They seem very unfair to you. Did you all still do family dinners/birthdays before your ex remarried, after the divorce?

ilovechoc1987 Wed 26-Apr-17 00:51:19

Sorry op no you're not being unreasonable.
Your children at their age should know better!.

It's too soon for all that it's only been 3 years.

winecakeflowers

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